The last week has been a tough one. Without a doubt I got triggered on the SIF front in a chain of events that left me feeling quite deflated. To top it all off: today would have been our second child's second birthday (had the chemical pregnancy Dec '07 lasted). The main reason I remember this date is because it is three days out from my own birthday (yep, I will be 41 on Wednesday). I don't do the "if the baby had made it, it would be such-and-such age" thing purposefully. Somehow the what-might-have-beens creep up on me every now and then.
Today a MOT who I met originally through our antenatal class came into work. She was there with her two kids. Yet her mother is dying and I know things are pretty rough for her right now. I have to remember that MOTs have their own struggles in life. Life is not completely rosey for them just because their families are complete.
Yet, my jealousy prevails. When I am in the midst of my SIF grief, like I have been this last week, I cannot deal with the MOT friends in my life. I really need the emotional space to have the freedom to grieve the way I need to. I feel I have to hold it in (my SIF pain) when around MOT friends. I have to pretend that all the second child milestones they naturally share with me don't break my heart. I have to pretend that I'm happy for them when most of the time I'm not.
So rather than feeling like a total SI b**tch; I distance myself from these friends. This comes at a price, however. It means I end up feeling even more alone in my grief.
I really hate the way SIF has caused such rifts between myself and my friends and family. I hate the way my pain is so intense and deep that it has become part of who I am these days. I almost feel as though I have infertile stamped across my chest. I wish people knew what to do - how to act, what to say. It is so very tiring swinging between holding it together and falling apart. How I wish it was socially acceptable to fall apart because my empty womb is aching. How I wish I could describe my intolerable pain for a second child feels to friends and family in a way they could understand it.
I feel immense pressure to be more sorted out than I am. Thankfully, when I read other people's journals and comments on line in Dailystrength and RESOLVE; I know that I am not alone. I know that my feelings are so very real and normal for someone experiencing SIF. I am not exaggerating my pain.
I know last week was a rough one and pray for lightness and relief this coming week. I sincerely hope I feel more hope as we get closer to the next step in the adoption process.
I don't want to be miserable. I want to be happy and involved in my life - excited about my future and motivated by my dreams and aspirations. At the moment SIF seems to have cast a dark enormous shadow over my being. I look forward to the day when SIF becomes a distant memory.
But for now I have to keep on fighting, holding my head up high as much as possible and not allowing myself to be beaten by the intensity of SIF.
1 comment:
I stumbled across your blog about a week ago and I am grateful for this find. I'm also infertile - mother of two cats - and have been on my struggle for over two years now. It's a comfort to me to know that other people do have the same emotions about this that I do.
I am just to the point where I can start to express myself with this and your words have hit me, straight into my heart. There is someone else out there who gets it - the bouncing between being in control and falling apart, the feelings of isolation from friends who think I should be over this now, etc. I just had another BFN and felt like such a fool for believing that it could be possible; it helps to know that someone else out there understands that pain.
I wish you luck on your journey, whether it be through conception or adoption. Know that your bravery in putting this blog up for the world to see your pain has helped an infertile woman in the USA.
Blessings,
~Amanda
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