Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) debrief

Yesterday morning my husband and I had a debrief with our social worker about the two day course we attended in September - the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption). The debrief was about forty-five minutes long and was good - gave us an opportunity to indicate where we are at with our own thinking around the adoption process.

One of the things I mentioned in the debrief was how going through the domestic adoption process here in New Zealand where the emphasis is on open adoption; my thinking had shifted around children belonging to us. Open adoption is all about the child - it isn't about fulfilling the parents needs or ownership. It isn't about replacing the biological child we couldn't have. It is very different. Really you are helping another family who isn't able to raise a child and therefore are helping a child.

We have been given an application assessment to fill out where we are to write in bullet-point form about the following topics: family history, extended family, education, health and wellbeing, family and household, home, current employment, adult work history, income and assets, safety, parenthood, adoption (type of) and an information update.

Once this is sent off to our social worker, we will have at least two sessions with her to talk about any issues that have come up along the way about our case as well as one home visit. The social worker asked yesterday if I was still on the antidepressants (I went on them for six months when in a very dark phase of SIF) and I said I wasn't. No doubt I will get a chance to explain how things have been since I came off them.

To be honest, after yesterday's appointment I wasn't left with a feeling of Yippee! This is us! It was more like Is this right for us? I suppose because it was the first time we sat down face to face with a social worker; things felt way more serious. And things came up. Like me previously being on anti-depressants. Our daughter's ASD. And our financial situation - it isn't the best. We've had a tough year financially and I fear that could go against us in the adoption process (even though we passed the financial overview in the first assessment). I am feeling quite scrutinised - which I know is part of the adoption process. But it seems so ridiculous in some ways when we are already parents and would have raised a second child if I had gotten pregnant, regardless of how things have been financially and all the other perceived "issues" in our lives.

The social worker brought up considering whether or not we'd be open to adopting a known special needs child. We have already decided no. We have one already - our daughter with our ASD. Of course autism is not something that is known in the prenatal stage or at birth. But some other special needs are - obviously physical ones. We haven't signed any papers yet to say that is what we don't want to do. Yet it stirs me up somewhat having to even think that.

Once again, if I'd gotten pregnant I would have accepted a child however it came to us. But it's about facing reality. We have been quite challenged in our ASD journey with our daugter. I/we don't think it would be fair to our daughter, to us or another child with (known) special needs to have two children with special needs in our family. I would never terminate a baby unless for some medical reason I was forced to. So it feels somewhat odd to almost be requesting a "perfect" baby from someone else. Boy does thinking about some of this stuff play with the heart-strings!!

I guess the adoption process right now is feeling a bit uncomfortable for me. No-one said it was going to be an easy ride. There are no guarantees it will happen for us and it is emotional at times. Still, we want to proceed with things so I will continue to try to take it all one day at a time.

My back is killing me, I have a wee cold and AF arrived yesterday so health-wise I'm all over the place - and I know my mind is the same. AF arriving is quite a big deal for me as I haven't had a period (apart from a light bleed last month) for six months. I really thought AF had gone forever! This morning I am going to try to get hold of my Dr as I'd like to do a day two FSH test and follow it up with an appointment with my Dr to talk about the letter I have from the gyno who delivered my daughter who wanted to be contacted should I have trouble conceiving (and she never was contacted). I just want to shut the door on SIF and to understand it the best I can from the medical perspective; even if it cannot be explained. It's worth a try.

Yesterday my husband said a friend had called him to tell him they were pregnant with their third child. This was on the day of our appointment with the social worker. It was like a punch to the stomach. I certainly don't feel like offering my congrats right away.

I guess within the adoption process I feel as though we are being judged - to see if we are good enough to make the mark as prospective adoptive parents. I understand and know this is necessary yet it plays on my inadequacies as a parent - my whole "stinking thinking" around why I couldn't have another biological child. Sigh.

Another woman phoned about the infertility support group so there will be four of us next Wednesday. They all sound lovely on the phone - intelligent, onto-it women. It feels like the beginning of something really great.