Ok so I've had a great couple of weeks. A good fortnight of feeling happy, joyous and free. It was almost as though SIF had left the building. I say almost!...
Although I believe I am in full acceptance that I cannot conceive another biological child (or as close to as I am likely to get to that for now) - I feel I have a way to go around recovering from SIF. Like any other loss or heartbreak in life; it's going to take time. Perhaps already the good patches of the aftermath of SIF are more frequent and obvious as they seem to last for a decent period of time - but there are still going to be rough days and days in which I get triggered.
Today has been one such day purely because it has been the first day of the school holidays. During term time my daughter and I have a pretty busy week. With Kindy in the morning and then stuff on in the afternoon a few days a week; there is a lot of socialising. I would say during term time my daughter doesn't get a chance to get lonely!! But during the holidays - our one-child family status is painfully obvious. I kept today free so we could have a mother-daughter day together. I've been working all weekend and her Dad kept her pretty busy so I thought a down day would be a great idea.
Of course she's an ASD child; so there are other complications to the mix apart from being an only-child. Yet I could tell she was missing Kindy today and it took her a while to get into the swing of playing just with Mum. She didn't ask like she sometimes does (Which friend is coming round?) but the thought was kind of dangling in the air.
I have been thinking how SIF was the worst kind of heart-break I ever experienced. Before SIF I thought only love and loss (as in the death of a loved one) could break my heart! SIF has woken me up to there being many other forms of heartbreak in life.
When it came to men - in my dating years before being married - as painful as it was at the time to experience yet another heartbreak - I knew there would be another fish in the sea eventually. However experiencing infidelity was something that completely changed me. Even when I was "over" the cheater, I had the cross to bear of a cheatee - I was vulnerable, overly cautious and not trusting of men for quite some time. To this day there is a part of me that remembers what it was like to lose trust and so much more because a man decided to sleep with someone else.
I suppose I am in a similar phase with SIF. I'm over it but I am still carrying the burdens of this painful period in my life. I feel less-than as a woman and I still don't feel like a "proper" Mum because I could only conceive one child - and therefore feel disconnected from most of the MOTs I know. In these school holidays; I know I have to be careful how many playdates I set up with families of more than one child. The sibling dynamic still hurts.
I haven't yet made peace with my body. But I have a minor back injury (a twisted lower spine) which seems to be reoccuring. It means I can probably no longer do what used to be my favourite class at the gym - a hip-hop dance class. But I am powerless over my health; my back, my reproductive system and anything else that chooses to give up the ghost!! I am starting to see that it was not my fault that my body did what it did - it was a freak of nature losing an ovary when my daughter arrived. There was nothing I could have done to prevent that from happening.
With accepting there isn't going to be another biological child, I obviously need to accept that this could be it as far as our wee family goes. The adoption option could work out for us; but it might not. Once we're in the perspective parents pool all we can do is hand it over to God. Yet with so little notice of being picked (under two weeks) - I cannot help but think our life will somewhat be on hold still - for the two years we plan to be in the perspective parents pool. For example, would I retrain/do a course knowing I might possibly have to stop it at any time? I guess the answer would be, I could return at a later date to a course if that happened. But still.
As I slowly work the (twelve) steps around SIF; I am now sitting on Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Well I am ready to be free of all the shitty SIF feelings I've carried around the last three years, that's for sure! I know my self-esteem and self-worth has been affected greatly thorough-out all this and ever-so-slowly I am rediscovering who I am and what I am actually worth after enduring this rather long personal tragedy.
I did some brainstorming around my SIF book and have decided to write my book in parts - basically year by year followed by the SIF aftermath. Within each part there will be chapters - and subheadings within each chapter. The book will be a mix of relevant writing to each chapter and actual excerpts from my blog! Watch this space; I will reveal more as I get further into things. I am very determined to do this and officially start writing/editing Oct 1st!
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