I have been blessed with the most incredible peace for the last few days. It feels like such a very long time since my moods have felt stable - where I was able to see the bigger picture and not my SIF battle.
Although I am essentially in the calm after the storm; this slightly unsettling feeling remains that life is not as I knew it before. And more than that - I am not who I was before. I can see that the next few months are going to be about reassessing and even perhaps making some big decisions around where I'd like my life to head.
There is no doubt about it; a good handful of my relationships were severely bruised by SIF. My marriage feels as though it is in the recovery phase and I'm not sure things will be righted overnight. I guess I feel as though I have been so greatly affected and changed by SIF that I am different and therefore sit differently within my marriage. The pieces of the jig-saw puzzle don't fit as they did before and it feels a bit uncomfortable.
Because I was out on a limb for so long; I'm not sure I fit quite the same within a few of the relationships I had pre-SIF. Eventually, I would like to have conversations with some of my loved ones about my SIF experience and how that obviously impacted relationships. But for now I am contemplating and reflecting. There is no need to rush this natural step of wanting to make amends within my close relationships.
I feel as though God has healed me miraciously around my desire to have another biological child. It is not stinging so much to see babies and bumps around. In fact, when my eighteen year old neighbour comes round with her newborn; I in fact cannot imagine being back there again - starting all over again with motherhood.
I know I have moved past the stagnant waters of SIF in so many ways. Each time I am in a situation that used to completely crush me and now I feel okay - I smile on the inside. One such scenario was this week when I told a Kindy teacher how my daughter was enjoying our neighbour's newborn baby. A Mum overheard the conversation and blurted out :"Are you having a baby?!" She was obviously excited for me as she knew about my SIF. When I said no and explained why she was visibly embarrassed. And I wasn't peeved at her. I didn't think she should know better etc etc like I once would have. I just thought it was a simple mistake. If anything I was actually flattered that she thought I could be fertile!!
One of my MOT friends has been quite sick this week so I picked up her eldest daughter and took her to Kindy with my daughter then had both girls here one afternoon earlier this week. I could see as a MOT she was struggling with two children at home when feeling quite ill. It saved her a couple of trips out of the house and at least when her youngest went to sleep; she was able to rest. This particular MOT friend has helped me a lot with looking after our daughter when we've attended adoption appointments and courses. I was able to share with her in quite a lot of depth our adoption process story too this week which was great - it is nice to have some friends and family in the loop.
It feels so nice to not be riddled with anger and resentment! There is this new peace in my soul that is just growing by the day.
I got my second phone-call about the infertility support group so now there are three of us attending the first meeting! It was once again so nice to have an open and honest chat - if even for just five minutes - with someone who had been through IF. I shed a few tears after the phone-call as I feel as though I am being validated through this process of setting up a support group - validated that SIF was a very difficult experience to go through with minimal support.
The sun is shining today and I'm off to work - working all weekend. I know I am just at the beginning of happier times ahead - even if I might need to make some changes in my life along the way.
No comments:
Post a Comment