I guess I was on an emotional high for a few days after attending the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) on Friday. It really felt like that this was our new dream - that this was the way God intended for us to add to our family.
I do still think the adoption option is a great one for us but I guess there is some new grief emerging as a result of going down this path. I have acceptance going on around not having a biological child. But I suppose I am going through a period of adjustment in getting my head around the fact that if we are successful in adoption; our child will come to us in what feels like at this point in time, an unnatural way.
I have no qualms about loving another child that isn't our blood. Not at all. I know my husband and I are capable of that.
But to bring a child into our home at around two weeks of age (by law in New Zealand the child is with the birth Mum til it is twelve days old) and taking it away from it's birth mother feels almost wrong. Also with adoption there is no pregnancy, no childbirth and you miss out on some of the early days of the baby's life.
Adoption is great but it is not perfect - it's complicated, even, given that in this country open adoption is encouraged. Although I heard some great examples of open adoption working at the Education and Preparation Programme on Friday; I cannot help but feel a little skeptical about it. Many of the adoptive parents shared how initially how open adoption felt strange to them also but now they wouldn't have it any other way. I would say the thought processes I am having round adoption are all perfectly normal.
Although as adoptive parents we'd be the ones raising this adopted child; the birth family would still be part of the child's life. Obviously to what extent they are involved would be determined by both parties. I understand at this point that the parenting decisions will always be up to the adoptive family. I suppose the dynamic with the birth family is not unlike the relationship you'd have with a Aunt or Uncle who perhaps was in touch every now and then.
My daughter and I went round to visit my neighbours newborn again today. My daughter is quite besotted with her. She actually asked me if I had a baby this morning and if she had a little sister! Once again my neighbours Mum was inappropriate with things - she asked my daughter directly if she wanted a baby brother or sister - and she knows I'm infertile and going through the adoption process! What is it, with people?!
I feel a sadness but it's changed. I guess it's do with moving on from SIF and finding another way to add to our family. But it's going to take me a while to get truly comfortable with our new dream, I suppose.
We have a God box (a box decorated with pretty wrapping paper that sits in our wardrobe) and I emptied it the other day to see what was in there. I found "getting pregnant." I ripped it up and will update it to read "to adopt a baby".
I'm feeling quite exhausted at the moment - all these emotional highs and lows really take it out of you! I've said no to a few demands placed on me lately - Kindy committee stuff, ASD related stuff for my daughter - I just really need a lot of downtime at this point in my life. I'm feeling so fat and bloated too - a side affect of my raging hormones. I'm pretty healthy all in all but will watch what I eat a little as I am not enjoying not being able to fit into my clothes! I put on around 4kg pretty fast. I know it's primarily water retention but the vain side of me misses the slim figure I've had for the last couple of years. Not that I've ever being huge. Blah blah blah - going on about weight! I suppose it bugs me because like SIF, this hormonal weight gain just reminds me of how I'm well, getting older. I didn't think I had aging issues but I guess I do!
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