My baby-shaped hole

Years ago I was introduced to the concept of a "God-shaped hole." It's that place inside of us that has been conditioned to seek happiness through things outside of ourselves, when underneath it all, it is God and only God who can offer us the peace and serenity we seek.

Around ten years ago God sent me a barrage of stuff to teach me this lesson. It was incredibly, incredibly painful. I remember being unemployed, single, and penniless while living on the other side of the world. I had nothing to define myself by - no job, boyfriend or money. I'd been fired, my boyfriend had cheated on me and the relationship consequently dissolved and I was living in Canada, earning very little money.

It turned out to be both the best and the worst time of my life.

The worst - because of how I had to start all over again. I had to find Lynda amongst the debris of several situations that had failed to work out. It was as though I was blown into a million pieces and had to somehow put myself back together again.

So this at the same time turned out to be one of the best times of my life as I wasn't constrained by anything or anyone. I really could make a fresh start. And I did. I moved back to New Zealand. I retrained. I got a job. Life turned out not only good - it turned out great. I got married. I had a baby.

But then I hit another bump. Really God? I thought I'd dealt with all this crap already! has pretty much been my reaction over the last three years when it became clear that another biological child wasn't coming my way.

I have clicked recently big-time that my God-shaped hole came around this time as a baby-shaped hole. The baby didn't come and I have this huge open wound within me that is desperate to be filled with something. So I can see why I have been in despair for the last few days as it seems likely that I didn't get the job I applied for recently.

God clearly thinks I need some more time to transform this baby-shaped hole of mine into a God-shaped hole. Time to realise and recognise that only He can can fill my aching emptiness. So until I feel filled up again with God's love; I believe the externals in my life won't happen - the job, another baby, the house, other hopes and dreams - they will remain locked away until I fully embrace that this is a time for letting God in.

So I am there. I get it God! It's like my life - this new chapter - will emerge from within. It's an internal process - not an external one. A lot of us get this so wrong out there - life becomes about power, property and prestige - things that make us feel good and complete. But it should be the other way round. Happiness comes from the inside: not the outside.

I can feel a surge of healing about to take place. I needed to really to understand what I was missing - God's love in my heart - before I could allow the healing to begin.

On Sunday at work I was playing some of my old CDs. I put on one of Robbie Williams CD and just love that song Feel. Especially the first two versus! God has so been laughing at my plans these last three years! This song is for me about a relationship with God. I have just played it three times - it's so where I'm at!

Feel by Robbie Williams

I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I�ve been given.

I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language, I don�t understand.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
�cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I don�t wanna die,
But I ain�t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I�m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That�s why I keep on running.
Before I�ve arrived, I can see myself coming.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
�cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

(instrumental)

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There�s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it�s a real big place.

(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I�ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

For the video see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4xNk6gMRdY