Frick. I'm in (yet another) SIF slump. Though this time it isn't about the old I-can't-believe-I-can't-have-another-biological-child; it is more about facing the aftermath of SIF. I guess until I got to that point of turning away from SIF and calling it a bad day (or a bad year or three!!); I could not face the mixed bag of emotions fully that have been brewing away for what feels like a very long time.
I'm so over feeling stuck, lost, out of touch with my dreams and even worse - at a constant arms length from my dreams. I have felt directionless for the last three years and it's not like I haven't tried to move forward - I just can't seem to. Or at least, I can't seem to move forward very far.
I'm waiting to hear back from a job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. I got an interview and am hoping to make it to second-interview stage. It's only 11 hours a week. But I would really like to get it. I need something new to happen. I need to put my energy into something else. I am desperate to move on from the aftermath of SIF.
I accept there is still a tangled web of unpleasant feelings I need to sort out after a decent spell of SIF. If only it was so simple; that it was obvious my TTC days were over and I could just say "Oh well. That's that then. What's next?"
I feel like I have been affected by SIF in more ways than I know. Every single relationship I have in my life has been touched by SIF - and mainly in the sense that it has created some emotional distance between myself and others. Sometimes this distance has been spoken of - but mainly it hasn't been acknowledged. I wonder if these relationships will ever recover fully.
I've realised that SIF is not a universal loss. People do not get it. It's not like a relationship ending or dealing with a death - most people have dealt with those losses or will eventually face them in their lifetimes. They are expected losses so the masses are somewhat prepared for them. But infertility - particularly secondary infertility - that is not something the average Joe can get his head around.
I'm just sick of feeling like I've had to keep this big part of my life secret. I have tried sharing about it over the years but one too many misunderstandings or judgments caused me to really shut down in my greater world out there. Thank God I had my blog and my on-line support groups.
I say I want to walk away from SIF yet there is a small part of me that wants the explanation - as in what was wrong with me - what is wrong? Just why exactly it was that I couldn't conceive. Is it POF or premature menopause?
I have a letter from the gyno who delivered my daughter which clearly says contact with her should be made if I had trouble conceiving. But it never was. I am toying with the idea of writing a letter to her via my Dr as I can't see her directly. I guess I want closure, if possible. That seems to be the thing that is holding me back from not quite being able to shut the SIF door behind me - the niggling feeling that an explanation could be given - I just might have to push to get one.
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