Loving an imperfect body

Yesterday I went for a massage my husband had kindly booked me for my birthday. However, I ended up having a back massage combined with a treatment called Chi Nei Tsang.

The reason I had Chi Nei Tsang is because I had been to this masseuse before - the last time being when I was heavily pregnant and explained to her how I'd been through SIF for the last three years and was now on the adoption route. She explained how Chi Nei Tsang is body work and massage on the abdomen which emphasizes moving chi energy to the abdominal organs. It is detoxifying (helps with digestive complaints) and strengthening (releases deep seated tensions and restores vitality).

During the back massage the masseuse descibed a vision she had about me. She said she saw a castle with beautiful coloured flags outside. They were very attractive and inviting and lots of people wanted to come in - friends, family - everybody. Inside though there was an ugly dog that was kept out of sight as it barked and wasn't pleasant. Nobody knew about the dog. The masseuse said the castle was me - how people are attracted to my sparkly personality. But hardly anyone knew about the darkness within me. I had hidden it because I thought it would scare people away. I said to her I felt I was at a point where I thought I wanted to bring the dog out of the darkness and to integrate it with the rest of my being - she totally agreed. Starting an infertility support group and being at the stage of feeling ready to put my SIF book into action feels as though I am coming out of SIF hiding, somehow .

The masseuse also talked about how I was a perfectionist of sorts and how perfection in the past had led to happiness and joy. However, although she wasn't telling me to let go of my perfectionism; she said to being aware of it might help me understand how I felt about my imperfect body.

Now that is interesting though. I really do feel like I am moving on from SIF. I am in acceptance (as much as I will ever be, I feel) around not being able to have another biological child. But I have been damaged by SIF in more ways than I probably even know at this point. Off the top of my head I can tell you that my self-esteem, sexuality, femininity, faith, hope, self-worth, relationships, trust and drive in life have all been affected.

I am now on a journey around healing from SIF and it's not going to happen overnight. I'm really looking forward to the next step in the adoption process for us next Friday: Part II of The Education and Preparation Programme. Yet, there are still residual SIF feelings to deal with. It's not like going down the adoption route has totally wiped all the grief and pain of the last three years.

When I had the Chi Nei Tsang done, the masseuse was actually massaging my organs - intenstine, liver etc. It was kind of bizarre! I've had a bloated stomach for the last couple of months and my Dr thought it was IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). The masseuse thought so too. She explained how our feelings can get trapped in our organs. By grieving silently about SIF for so long; it makes total sense to me why some feelings got a bit blocked - and therefore why that has been reflected in my body!

I was actually looking forward to a one hour aromatherapy massage yesterday but perhaps I just got what I needed. I'm not sure if it's my imagination; but I'm sure the bloating has gone down overnight.

Today when a MOT-to-be at the reception desk at my gym rubbed her stomach; I felt tears welling up a little. I realised it's about more than not being able to have a beautiful round bump of my own again. It's about feeling incomplete, imperfect, less beautiful than, less of a woman than The Fertile Ones out there. That is why I get so resentful and jealous - SIF is a loss on so many levels. It's about so much more than not being able to conceive again.

As we go through the adoption process, which in itself has been intense at times; I find I once again want space from the MOTs I know. I want to feel complete, perfect (with an imperfect body), beautiful, and like a woman again. But the only person who can make me feel like this is me. And only I can give myself the time and space to heal.