Well yesterday was the official three year mark of praying for another shot at motherhood. The reason I know the day is because our daughter was eighteen months when we first TTC our second child - and yesterday she turned four and a half years old.
Wow, three years seems like a looooong time. I know others have been in this game for much longer than I - but three years still seems like a decent chunk of time. I was thinking yesterday how in three years I could have obtained a university degree! - which I did in that same time-frame in my twenties.
The main feeling that comes up when I think of putting what often feels like ninety percent of my time and energy into adding to our family all this time is exhausation. I am tired in every way - in mind, body and soul. And so, so sick of this being the focus of my life - wanting to add to our family. It might seem from the outside - from the perspective of those who haven't personally experienced IF or SIF that I have made this my focus on purpose. Well I haven't. I have tried to change tack but it always seems to come back to this...
I am feeling the aftermath of SIF quite strongly right now. Particularly within my relationships. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix all the relationships that have SIF cracks in them but I can't. Perhaps time will heal these fractured relationships - or perhaps they will be changed forever. I feel like I have been changed by SIF. I have been affected. So it makes sense that others around me have been inadvertedly affected by this (unchosen) change in me.
I am still reeling from Part II of the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) on Friday. My husband and I had a date last night - down to one of the locals for a beer and something light to eat. We had a debrief about Friday as we hadn't had a chance until then as it's been a pretty busy weekend. There are fears and concerns. But I think that is very natural given the complications of the adoption triad (as in birth family, adoptive child and adoptive parents). We have agreed we are open to adopting from any culture as New Zealand is afterall multi-cultural. We are both open-minded individuals yet I do wonder how the extended family would be around accepting a child from another culture. I'm not implying anyone is racist - just that a child from another culture in a family of "white" Kiwis would obviously stand out. It is one thing to enter the family via adoption but to have a different ethnic background as well just feels in a way like two strikes against the child right from the word go. (depending on the way you look at it). I do have two half-siblings that are half-Thai from my Dad's current partnership that are just family. They are still my half-sister and half-brother even though we look nothing alike!
I'm grateful that with the end of the school term approaching in New Zealand I am busy - so have other stuff to focus on. I didn't get the job I had an interview for a couple of weeks back. I was quite disappointed by that - but it was nice to be bummed out about something other than SIF!! ;)
I did the rest of my Step five today with a trusted friend. I have been working the steps around SIF for quite a few months. It was really freeing. I really want to move on from this episode in my life and I really think I am starting too. I also had a good chat with a woman just before who phoned up about my new infertility support group - she's keen to come!! Yay! It felt so good to be able to offer support to someone else going through PI, quite early in her journey. Also, today I have decided I will give myself six months to write my SIF book! So by the time my daughter is five years old my book will be written! I'm quite excited by this as it gives me a chance to write SIF well and truly out of my system and will help me to move on, I believe.
Another wee plan I have is, if I can't find extra work this year - I'm just looking for 10 - 15 hours during the week on top of my Sunday job - then I will put myself forth as a teacher's aide next year. With my daughter's ASD and psych/educ degree plus experience working with special needs kids; I think I'd be an asset. I guess I didn't want to do the teacher aiding this year as it has been a busy year getting all the specialists sorted out for my daughter and I wasn't quite ready to do it.
It feels good to have plans! Also, I am starting to mend my fractured relationship with the God of my understanding. I was angry at God for a very long time as I really didn't think He was on my side. Now I can see He is.
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