Oh my, it has been quite the week of processing since we did Part 1 of the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) - highs, lows and everything in-between.
I chatted about the aftermath of this first session with my husband briefly this morning - he agrees it has been full-on processing it all.
I feel a mix of so many things - vulnerable, scared, excited, worried - and hopeful.
I've shared with a handful of people around last weeks session. I'm not sure if it makes things better or worse disclosing things with people who have no understanding of how open adoption works. I certainly feel churned up around the whole open adoption deal right now.
I feel I am having to let go of several things that encompassed becoming a Mum the first time round - a BFP, nine months of pregnancy, childbirth (though our daughter arrived via an emergency c-section and I had a general, so I was hardly a witness to her birth!), the first few precious hours (so, so absolutely mind-blowing), the first night, the first week together, and breastfeeding (I breastfed my daughter til she was three though for the last eighteen months or year it was only once a day). I felt like a superstar when our daughter had arrived - like I had done something really amazing. The miracle of life and all that - it took my breath away.
Perhaps there is a part of me (okay a big part) that wants to re-live all that. What Mum doesn't?! And I know with adoption things will start quite differently with an adopted child.
The "paper pregnancy" is our time for making the space in our minds and hearts for another child, that wasn't born biologically to us, into our lives. It's the time for making space for another family. Obviously we won't know until an adoption is finalised how an open adoption might work between the parties involved. But for now, it is an important part of the adoption process to understand that the birth family exists in our perspective adoptive child's life.
The other side of the whole open adoption process that has me churned up is meeting the birth mother - and then essentially taking her baby away!! Obviously I understand that all involved would have agreed to and carefully considered things before that happens. But still! Woman to woman, mother to mother, I cannot help but feel as though I would be stealing her baby! I think after seeing the videos last Friday of the birth Mums who had experienced both open and closed adoption; it was hard to see the reality of the birth mother's side of the story. The fact that giving up a child is not easy for any mother. They don't switch off their feelings and simply hand the baby over. Not at all.
Therefore, knowing that the birth mother has sacrified motherhood for me, and the adopted child has missed out on having a close relationship with it's natural Mum; causes me to be open-minded around open adoption. From the child's perspective; I am totally for it.
What a complicated triad: the birth parents, the adopted child and the adoptive parents! All relationships come with challenges but this particular dynamic is one that is both fascinating and scarey all at once.
I feel alone within the adoption process itself. One part of me craves for someone to ask how I'm doing, someone to understand how I'm feeling - another part wants to shut everyone out - especially MOTs! It is too much, once again, to surround myself with The Completed Families when I feel as though I really am putting myself out on a limb. I mean if adoption fails, that's the end of the road for us. So this is it for us - we either end up adopting a child - or we don't.
If anything, in a way going through the adoption process causes me to feel much more vulnerable and exposed than when I did when dealing with just SIF. Instead of appearing from the outside that I was trying for another child, I've now obviously stepped it up a notch. I am serious people when I say I want to add to our family! The adoption process is no walk in the park! You cannot help but be faced with your SIF crap as you go through this.
Phew! My husband and I are going on our Friday night date tonight - ten pin bowling!. I feel we really need this time to have fun and relax!
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