A new maturity

I have been waiting for this point in my life for what feels like a very long time - the time when I felt like I was truly done and dusted with SIF. The time when SIF started fading into my past. I believe it is happening right now!

This is an exciting phase for me to be in as I can honestly say I no longer feel consumed or overwhelmed by SIF. But I'm still affected by it. Where I'm at now is about facing the aftermath of SIF - putting all the pieces together that got blown apart over the last three years. And you know what; I have this new acceptance emerging that perhaps the pieces will never fit again like they did pre-SIF. Life has changed. I am in the process of integrating what was an incredibly period of my life into my life today.

With this integration, the penny is starting to drop. The clouds are lifting. The SIF blinkers are no longer on. A new maturity has arrived in my being. I have changed in some very deep ways and am still figuring out how exactly I have been altered.

Life throws us some lemons. I get that. I've had my share of lemons - like we all have. Pre-SIF every major lemon was deemed the greatest tragedy I'd ever been through. As an adult tragedies such as the death of a close friend, parents divorcing and being the victim of infidelity in a series of relationships in my twenties resulted in devastation. Every single personal tragedy rocked my world. Looking back - I couldn't imagine a pain that was any worse.

With SIF I went through the same emotions all over again. But this time they were deeper - somehow being infertile touched me in ways that no other personal tragedy did. I believe SIF was my cancer. This is the thing that God sent my way to teach me many lessons; which I'm still unraveling! We don't get to pick what tragedies enter our lives. Some families seem to be given cancer. And I cannot imagine having to deal with that as I have never dealt with it. But I have certainly known people who have been affected by it - acquaintainces who currently have it even.

But I am going to make a stand for all those that will suffer from IF or SIF behind me - and who are currently in the midst of it. These women should be treated as if they are going through cancer as they need exactly the same support and understanding, as far as I am concerned.

I just went for a lovely long walk around the airport and did lots of thinking about my SIF journey and felt very in touch with the God of my understanding. I am currently on a two-day cleanse - just fruit and veggies for two days and it feels quite timely with my recent Step Five. I feel the strings of SIF are slowly being cut - it's almost as though I can feel the balloons I have been carrying for so long breaking free one by one and blowing away into the distance.

I spoke to our official social worker this morning and we have our first couple-to-social-worker chat next Thursday! (October 1). Basically it's a debrief of The Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption). I was really nervous when I phoned the social worker and left a message on her answering machine. Probably because it is feeling a lot more real as we progress through the adoption process!

I love this sentence I read today from the book I just finished for my book-club: "There are such moments in life, when, in order for heaven to open, it is necessary for a door to close." from The Cave" by Jose Saramago, p.288.

Also in the letterbox today was this flyer today with: No matter how long the winter...Spring will always follow...Says it all, really!