My paper pregnancy

I have heard the adoption process being referred to as a "paper pregnancy." It seems to be a very apt term.

Although there are obviously no physical symptoms to be experienced; there are lots of psychological and emotional processes to go through as the paperwork side of things gets done.

I'm finding that I am going through the highs and lows all over again now that we're on the adoption route. Maybe not all over again - I guess the highs and lows never actually stopped!! But the adoption route roller-coaster is perhaps different to the SIF one.

With SIF I was pretty much a lost cause from quite early on. Some SIs have the regular cycles and ovulation on their side - at least the basics to work with, even if they are still have problems TTC. Me, I didn't have the basics. It was like playing cricket without a bat.

With adoption, I believe our stakes are a lot higher. So I feel more hopeful around adoption than I ever did with SIF.

However, fears, doubts and concerns seem to be part of going down the adoption route. I have been sharing my thoughts and processes around open adoption with some friends and family. Naturally people have their opinions on it. I am still trying to get my head around the fact that you lose a sense of "ownership" with open adoption. Not that any of us own our children; but we do naturally tend to think of our kids as - our kids.

I have been feeling a real mix of "this could really work for us" and grief as I make the shift from adding a child to our family biologically to via adoption.

I dropped into Playgroup this morning which is next to Kindy - I took my daughter there for three years. I went in to have a look at their library system as we are replicating a similar one at Kindy. I felt fine, even good this morning and then I saw a couple of MOTs I know. It's like my spirits spiralled right there and then. I guess for so long I thought I was going to be taking my second child there while my daughter was at Kindy. Instead I go in and I feel somewhat haunted by the loss of a former dream.

Sigh. It's a gorgeous day so I am going to go for a walk. I need some quiet time with me and God. I mainly feel pretty optimistic about adoption, but the whole paper pregnancy is all new to me and there are bumps along the road every now and then, it would seem.