Merry Christmas!

I've had a pretty good day today. Very Christmassy - delivering little bags of goodies compiled of Christmas mince pies and Lebkuchen (German cookies) to my daughter's friends. We ended up having an impromptu lunch with one of my MOT friends. Her seven/eight month old was asleep the whole time so it was nice to just chat over a cuppa while our three years old played. She shared a bit about how difficult it is to have two children and I was able to hear it. It helps I suppose to have a couple of MOT friends I'm in regular contact with as I get to see the reality of what life is like parenting two young children. I certainly don't think it is all a bed of roses.

I read a few journals on Dailystrength last night written by infertiles - as in women who don't have any children. And even sadder - women who have miscarried and have never carried to term - and still have no children. I really felt for them. Because I have been given the gift of parenthood. I have been able to rejoice in Christmas this year with my daughter. It has been so lovely starting a simple Christmas tradition with her of baking homemade Christmas goodies and then handing them out to her friends.

I am about to have a cup of tea and a home-made Christmas mince pie. This will be my last post for a while. I'll be away for a month. I will have access to the internet while away but it's dial-up (too slow for me) and I think a break from blogging and thinking about SIF wouldn't hurt.

But I'll be back round 20 Jan 2009. Have a wonderful Christmas and see you in cyberspace next year.

SIF stuff right up there

I've had a mixed bag of a day emotionally. On one hand I've had lots of fun making homemade Christmas mince pies and Lebkuchen (German gingerbread) with my daughter. Yet my Christmas spirit has been dampened by SIF overwhelm.

I went for my third counselling session today. I had a cry in there - the first time I've cried in front of that particular counsellor. All those awful SIF feelings are flying around right now - envy and resentment towards MOTs, MOTHS and MOFs. And some very big grief is going on.

What I've established with my counsellor is I need to accept that there is no "answer" right now to what is going on with me hormonally. I have to learn how to live in the grey. Which is what I have been trying to do these last few months. But I did want a clear-cut answer at the Dr's yesterday - I really did. I guess I really wanted to move on from the SIF chapter of my life. Now I'm back to living in the unknown a bit, with a few What if's? thrown in. I hate living in limbo land!

I'm just going to be for the next month while on holiday. No analysing of what a period after six months of no period means. No rushing off to seek medical advice "just in case" I may be able to TTC again. I need to continue to look after me right now. There is still grief to be processed. It wasn't hard for the tears to roll today when I received two photos from families of four showcasing their two kids. Don't get me wrong; I want to see what their children look like as they grow. But at the same time it is like a knife going in. It is very hard to celebrate their complete families while mine is still very much incomplete in my heart.

Yesterday a neighbour commented that she wanted to spend more time with her youngest child of three children who was growing up fast. She said it was sad as it was the last time she got to mother a toddler (words to that extent). Although I could feel her pain I thought well that's what infertility is like, isn't it - always wanting and hoping for another shot at motherhood while fighting the odds. At least this women has a third child to be sad about!

SIF brings out the Christmas grinch in me a bit. Which isn't fair as the un-SIF side of me likes to have fun and to celebrate all that Christmas means. I look forward to a Christmas in the future in which SIF isn't casting a shadow of grief. Even my counsellor today stated how few children there were adopted out in New Zealand - how slight the chances are of that happening. I disagree with her. I have hope that the adoption path might just work out for us. Let's see what 2009 has to bring.

Clueless Doctors

I had an appointment with my Dr today around my recent blood tests. She basically didn't know what to make of where things are at overall. So I didn't get the final diagnosis I was kind of hoping for. As I had researched, a FSH of 18 indicates a very poor likelihood of ovulation occuring. However, since I got a period this month, she seemed to think I must have ovulated this month. I guess I've kind of thought this all along, that ovulation was likely to be spontaeous now. Apparently my oestradiol levels are "good." She doesn't think I'm in menopause (yet) but believes I'm heading that way.

My Dr basically encouraged me to go back to my gyno or see a fertility specialist from Wellington who comes to Nelson once a month. The thing is, I feel rather strongly that the medical way isn't the way to proceed for me. I do still believe it's POF that I have and from what I've read, Clomid only messes up the hormones even more when they are imbalanced. I am going to stick to the natural route and stay on the herbs and pills. I'm doing this for me - my mind, body and soul - not for another baby. At this point if another baby came along naturally it wouldn't be a small miracle - it would be a bloody big one.

We're still proceeding with the adoption plans next year. I know part of the application involves an explanation of my infertility from my Dr. How far into it we have to go; I'm not sure.

I parked near Adoption Services today and had a good feeling about our adoption plans. When I went to my Dr and she started suggesting fertility help from a specialist - just in case there was a small chance of being able to conceive I cringed. I so don't want to get back on that merry-go-round again.

Still, I have charted this months cycle just to see what might happen with my body. I will discuss it with my herbalist but am really not keen on following the direction of either my Dr or gyno who seem to be completely clueless.

Today my daughter overheard a boy in the playground saying he was going to look for his little brother. My daughter then turned to me and said "I look for my little sister?" I couldn't reply. She repeated it and I had to just hold back the tears. We live in one of New Zealand's holiday destinations so of course there are families of four everywhere, frolicking around in the sunshine. I'm so looking forward to some time out from our everyday lives and not being surrounded by growing families this Christmas. I really just want to chill, to be, and to forget the year that was.

I bought a baby today...

...a baby doll, that is! For my daughter. She's never really been into dolls but two people have recommended a baby doll as a way of teaching her empathy and compassion as it worked for one Mum with a child with ASD. So I spent a good ten minutes or so in The Warehouse today trying to decide which one would work best for her. I ended up choosing one which cries when you remove it's dummy and stops when you either replace the dummy, give her a hug or give her some a bottle. She has a rattle and a change of clothes as well as a carry-cot. My daughter seems to have taken to her even though she enjoys making her cry (pulling out the dummy) at this point!

I joked to my husband today that the baby was for me! It's true; I have enjoyed playing "babies" with my daughter this afternoon. Yet when we got home from a short excursion into town there was a message on our phone announcing the arrival of a friend's first baby - from an acquaintence. All I heard was 8lb then deleted it - I don't even know the sex! It is hard to not think back to the newborn days when I hear birth announcements. I have been quite riddled with jealousy. I won't probably make contact with the new Mum until I hear the news from her directly. I just don't feel like phoning this other person - the one who left the news - and rejoicing in the news with her when in fact I don't really feel like rejoicing. It might sound selfish but I'm sure it's not the end of the world if I don't acknowledge this baby's arrival immediately. I'm not a close friend or anything.

I guess Christmas brings up a whole lot of stuff. I am aware of the good things in my life - very aware. And so I am embracing them. But the maternal ache I have for another child seems to be just below the surface in the silly season. I guess for two Christmases in a row I hoped I'd have baby news to announce. This Christmas I didn't expect to have that news but I have the strong feeling of feeling left behind, once again. I guess Christmas is kind of bitter-sweet in that it reminds of what we've got but also what we haven't got/what we've lost.

Bloods back

I got my recent blood tests back in the mail yesterday. My FSH levels are at 18! They were 86 when last measured back in July. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday so will be able to discuss those plus the rest of the results which I don't know how to translate.

I was rapt to find out my FSH levels had dropped so much. It was almost like receiving a "B" in an exam! Up until now I felt like I had been given a series of "Es". Below 10 is meant to be the ideal for conception. 18 apparently (according to my brief research on the Net) indicates I have eggs of poor quality. It will be interesting to see how this all fits in around my half-diagnosis of POF.

I still am not expecting to be able to conceive again, however. Even so, my mind has spun a few times wondering if I just might be in the TTC stakes again. AF has stuck around all week. Sorry about the TMI but it has been the longest period I've had in a couple of years. It's also being very steady. I have been irritable all week though - as if I am experiencing PMS. I just seem to have a very short fuse. So I guess for my body after six months of no AF, it probably is kind of tiring bleeding for almost a week. No wonder I've been a bit shitty!

It continues to be a busy time. There have been lots of appointments and "homework" (paper-work, photos for social stories etc) for me to do around my daughter's ASD. I have found this exhausting. I'm truly grateful for the help she/we're receiving yet it feels a bit invasive at times - especially when specialists are in our home asking a million and one questions.

I'm looking forward to our Summer holidays. We're off to Ruby Bay (twenty minutes from here) for three weeks as of Christmas day. My Mum and partner have a holiday home there and we'll be staying in the cottage next to their house. It will be good to have no specialists around, and just to relax by the sea for a few weeks. After that my daughter and I are off to Auckland to catch up with my Dad and his family for a week. So we're essentially away and therefore off-line for around a month. I will sneak in a few more posts before we take off though!

Emotional pain is a personal thing

Even though I feel as though I have my life in perspective and can see SIF as part of the bigger picture, I will never trivalise the experience. No one gets through life without experiencing emotional pain of some sort. And we cannot judge each other by what we each go through. If you look around there will always be someone worse off than yourself.

I'm sure I could list a hundred examples of things that may seem "worse" than SIF. But I am not going to do the comparing game. I think we are all given challenges in our lifetimes and for me SIF has been a major life-changing crisis to face.

We're all different and cope with things in different ways. SIF caused me to fall apart yet that may not be the consequence for every SI. Infidelity was another personal tragedy that was life-changing for me on an emotional level many years ago. It effectively changed my life on many levels once I worked through all the layers that flared up.

I saw a documentary about Britney Spears last night: For the record. It would be easy to trivalise her pain at feeling trapped in the world of show business. Yet it's her pain and it's real for her. Take away the fame and the money and she is simply a young woman who opened up about the personal challenges that come with her lifestyle. I admire her for doing so though I'm sure the point may be lost on some.

I am still determined to write a book about SIF from a personal perspective. This is what God sent my way to experience. I cannot identity deeply with every single possible tragedy out there. But SIF was my tragedy. It has made me stronger, caused me to look at myself and my life more deeply and has given me a new empathy for those enduring long-term emotional pain, particularly centred around loss.

I lost a piece of myself with SIF and am finally feeling as though I am finding me again. I think many of the tragedies we as humans face, whatever they are, have the potential to tear us apart. We're all the same in the end. Pain, loss, change and the unexpected come our way when we least expect it. These times are inevitably opportunites for growth and by sharing our stories and not minimising them, we are able to heal while educating others.

Why not me?

I've asked myself Why me? a lot during my SIF days. I still think that way at times. But I have also been thinking more and more, Why not me? Why shouldn't I be one of the secondary infertile ones on the planet? We all have to deal with pain and loss in life. I guess secondary infertility was something God sent my way to open up a new level of emotional and spiritual growth. It's not like we get to choose our troubled times.

I got to hold a five month old baby at work today. She was one half of a set of twins who were getting their foot-prints done on some ceramics. Both babies were unsettled so her Mum passed me one to hold. There was a time when someone passing me a baby to hold made me want to burst into tears and I would avoid being around them. Today it felt natural but not painful.

AF arrived yesterday. Very odd! I haven't had a period for six months and kind of thought I wasn't going to have another one. Apparently with POF you can still get the odd period - it's not as black and white as menopause where once they stop, they stop. It has unsettled me a bit getting a period. Yesterday I got a bit confused around what this might mean. But I've decided I'm just going to go with my herbalists advice and just let my ovary do what it's meant to do - whatever that is.

The good thing is I can go and get a second FSH test which'll mean I'll get a final/proper diagnosis medically. My gyno wanted me to do another FSH test before determining what the his next step might be. This was a few months back. Of course I'm several steps ahead of him, having started the ball rolling with the adoption process. My period is quite light and I really don't think I've ovulated at all. I'm not putting a huge amount of meaning into having a period at this time.

It might sound strange, but it has been nice having AF visit again. I have even said to my body that I will just go where it wants to go. So if this is my final period for once and for all (as it is very light) then I feel okay about it. I wanted to say goodbye to AF on my terms!

So I'm going in for my Day Three FSH test first thing tomorrow morning and will hopefully have the results back later in the week.

Love this song

I heard this song in the car on the way back from a massage the other night. Boy does it speak to me about infertility. I'm sure it could be about any loss in life - particularly relationships. I love the "stuck in reverse" line in the first verse and the second verse sums up my SIF journey in a nutshell. The whole song holds a lot of meaning for me. It's somehow sad and uplifting at the same time. It's one of those songs I'd never really listened too until recently. It's brilliant.

Fix You by ColdPlay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Click here to see the video.

Back in counselling

When I went to see my GP a few months ago and was prescribed anti-depressants I was also referred for some free counselling. It took a while to get an appointment but I had a session yesterday.

It went well all in all. My counsellor is a trained psychotherapist and I like her. She seems to know what she's talking about. She recognised that I have been/am going through an identity crisis which can be broken into three areas: 1. infertility 2. menopause at an early age 3. a loss of my womanhood because of 1 and 2. We're going to be working through these issues for a few sessions - I have another appointment next week.

I asked about the anti-depressants as I was hoping to get off them after three months (which would be about the end of this month). She said she strongly recommended I stay on them for six to eight months. My herbalist also thought I should be on them for a while as did my GP. Apparently once you've had severe mood swings as I did for a prolonged period of time, your brain chemistry gets messed up and and it's hard to alter it. Anti-depressants essentially reprogramme the brain. (according to my counsellor's theory today). Interesting. I hadn't thought of it like that. I just thought that anti-depressants would put me on an even keel - which they have. I guess they are working. I just didn't want chemicals going into my body in the long-term as it's been a year of many drugs with an operation, and then several doses of provera, and clomid.

I've also been worried that my long-term use of anti-depressants may affect our adoption application - when they do the health checks with our family Dr. But today I was thinking well it's just where I am and so if that is seen as a negative factor; there is not much I can do about it.

This week has been a particularly busy one with my mum-in-law in town. Our daughter only sees her on average about once a year yet I was able to leave her with her Nana and do some grocery shopping this arvo which was great. I have had lots of proud Mummy moments of late as gymnastics and Kindy close down for the year. My daughter's come such a long way and is simply blossoming.

Life feels busy right now but in lots of good, positive ways. I really feel like I am living again and am grateful for the counselling to help me truly move on from SIF and to accept my fate of POF.

Tricky business

Throughout my SIF journey I have been irked frequently by people's comments that have mainly stemmed from a lack of understanding of SIF. But often it has been The Fertiles i.e: women who can conceive easily, that have said and done some of the most hurtful things. This has always amazed me. I still do not understand how a woman who has been pregnant, and has her own child cannot put herself in an infertiles shoes for one minute and imagine how painful it would be to not be able to conceive.

I met a newish MOO friend for coffee on Saturday. All was well til she asked if I knew she was pregnant, while whipping open her loose top to expose a perfectly rounded bump. I had to fight back the tears on the spot. As she announced she was twenty-two weeks pregnant while lovingly stroking her bump I had to take stock of my reeling emotions. I had no idea as she is a slim woman who has probably only just started showing.

I was shocked on several accounts. She knows about my SIF - even if it is in a very general way. Although I was and am really happy for her I was also hurt by the way she told me her news. I ended up telling her our adoption plans but my SIF grief that was simmering in the background took over and from my end it didn't feel like genuine happy news I was sharing.

But is there a right way to tell an infertile woman you are pregnant? I'm not sure there is. It would be nice if there was some kind etiquette when dealing with The Infertile. I do think it is possible to put some thought into telling a infertile friend that you are up the duff. Some of us need to be and appreciate being handled with kid gloves. However some infertiles keep their infertility to themselves so the chances of making a social blunder are particularly high in this situation.

When I fell pregnant with my daughter I was very aware of how a friend who had been struggling with (primary) infertility for years might feel. So I phoned her up. She was one of the first people I told at the twelve week mark and she really appreciated my thoughtfulness. She said at the time one of the worst things was people who avoided telling her they were pregnant and then one day appeared with an obvious bump.

Announcing one's pregnancy to someone struggling with infertility is a tricky business. I know for me direct communication always works. If possible a phone call beats an email or a text every time. It tells me you've taken the time to consider my feelings and it even helps break the ice around a very delicate matter. Obviously how you break the news depends on your relationship with the infertile. But within my circle of friends I don't think that a bit of consideration is too much to ask for.

Laughter is the best medicine

There is a scene in the Sex And The City movie where Carrie, amidst her grief, makes a joke. This is noted by Samantha: "Awww, she made a little joke." It was the beginning of Carrie moving on, after her break-up with Mr Big. (sorry if that was a movie spoiler - but I'm assuming most people have seen the SATC movie by now).

Yesterday a friend and I took our three year olds to a cafe for a couple of hours. (the one connected to the pottery gallery I work in). This friend has a fifteen month old which she left behind with her partner. So it was pretty relaxing for her going out with just her eldest daughter. She doesn't get a lot of one-on-one time with her three year old. This has been pointed out to me a couple of times: the advantage of having just one child and all the time you can give them. I see the point and am lucky I can do a lot of stuff with just myself and my daughter. In the midst of my SIF days I didn't see this as a pro at all.

It was a hot Summers day at the cafe and we were able to chill for a bit as the girls raced around. We had one of those you-had-to-be-there moments in which we laughed hard after a series of silly incidents that happened at our table like something out of a bad comedy in which I ended up falling forward into my scone. When I sat up my right boob was covered with cream.

Throughout my whole SIF ordeal I was grateful for the lighter moments in life. Being able to laugh with my daughter, at myself as I learnt the Bodyjam dance moves, laughter at chick flick movies, laughter watching Ben-Stiller-type comedies with my husband, and laughter shared on some girlie nights out. Each time I laughed I felt like I was healing my battered heart.

I feel like I am able to laugh more these days. Already I can how I really was in bad place for quite a few months. I felt so serious and down-hearted. But it's just where I was. I am someone who likes to laugh, to joke, to have fun. It's so nice to see that side of me resurfacing again.

Other stuff to focus on

It has been refreshing having some things to focus on outside of SIF. It feels as though things are starting to swing into balance again. For so long I felt consumed by SIF. It was like I had my infertility blinkers on a lot of the time. These days SIF is more in the background than the foreground. My world is widening up again. It became quite small for a while as I battled with SIF.

I have been busy painting for a stall I'm holding with a few other friends at the end of the month. I'd never really painted until a few weeks ago so there has been a lot of experimentation going on. But I'm getting there. It has been nice having an evening hobby- sitting down and painting rather than blobbing in front of the tv or spending time on line.

I've had several dental and peridontal appointments the last few weeks. My mouth is pretty sore right now - very tender still from the molar (two) extractions last week and then an intensive scaling session on Monday. (ouch - not fun.) It is actually nice to be focusing on a health issue quite contrary to infertility/menopause.

I was thinking yesterday, when I was a bit of a grump, that it was nice to feel shitty about small things for a change such as my printer not working, and a wee prang I caused on the back of our car (okay not so wee!). It was a three-point turn accident, in case you're wondering - in a very narrow driveway (not ours). I actually laughed to myself yesterday (on the inside) as I felt "normal" again. For so long I was so down about SIF as it was all I could see. So it's been nice just living day to day and taking it all as it comes.

A new kind of strength

It's only been a matter of weeks since I let go of a former dream. Yet the further I get away from my SIF days, the more I can see how strong I've become as a result of accepting the unacceptable (to me).

A couple of weeks ago I sat a couple of tests for a transcribing job. I failed the english test. I think that's ironic since I consider myself a natural writer. The standard is pretty high to pass and I knew I mucked up some of it. I can try again in a few months when they are next recruiting. The thing is I wasn't bothered by this "failure." It just wasn't meant to be at this point in time. After struggling for two years with SIF; it was a truly insignificant loss to me.

I only have a couple of classes left with my art class. I have been painting a bit as the market myself and a few friends are holding a stall in is in just a few weeks. I am an amateur painter - that is for sure. But I am determined to give the stall a go - just to have a bit of fun and to put myself out there. It has been such a good thing for me to do. To work towards something positive while allowing myself to play a bit creatively.

I have a (free) counselling appointment next week. My Dr referred me for counselling over two months ago when I went on to the anti-depressants. The last time I went for counselling I was in the midst of no-where-land with SIF. It will be good to go to counselling again now the SIF door has been closed. Hopefully it'll give me the opportunity to process some lingering feelings.

We've had some gorgeous weather lately and I've felt quite uplifted by the onset of Summer. I love that we live ten minutes walk from the beach. Luckily my daughter is a beach babe and so we'll be in for lots of swims this Summer.

There has been a bit more happening help-wise around my daughter's ASD. It's great but it's overwhelming at times. An early intervention teacher came to our home last week and then observed my daughter at Kindy last week. The assessment is taking place to see if a teacher's aide is appropriate in the future. I went to a "Mulled wine and massage" evening for parents/caregivers of autistic children on Friday night. The idea was learn some basic hand and foot massage techniques to pass on to the children and to incorporate it as part of their week. The woman I paired up with had a daughter the same age as mine also with mild ASD so it was interesting exchanging stories with her.

All in all it feels like life is settling down a bit - or at least, that I am settling down. I'm still just taking it all One Day At A Time.