Clueless Doctors

I had an appointment with my Dr today around my recent blood tests. She basically didn't know what to make of where things are at overall. So I didn't get the final diagnosis I was kind of hoping for. As I had researched, a FSH of 18 indicates a very poor likelihood of ovulation occuring. However, since I got a period this month, she seemed to think I must have ovulated this month. I guess I've kind of thought this all along, that ovulation was likely to be spontaeous now. Apparently my oestradiol levels are "good." She doesn't think I'm in menopause (yet) but believes I'm heading that way.

My Dr basically encouraged me to go back to my gyno or see a fertility specialist from Wellington who comes to Nelson once a month. The thing is, I feel rather strongly that the medical way isn't the way to proceed for me. I do still believe it's POF that I have and from what I've read, Clomid only messes up the hormones even more when they are imbalanced. I am going to stick to the natural route and stay on the herbs and pills. I'm doing this for me - my mind, body and soul - not for another baby. At this point if another baby came along naturally it wouldn't be a small miracle - it would be a bloody big one.

We're still proceeding with the adoption plans next year. I know part of the application involves an explanation of my infertility from my Dr. How far into it we have to go; I'm not sure.

I parked near Adoption Services today and had a good feeling about our adoption plans. When I went to my Dr and she started suggesting fertility help from a specialist - just in case there was a small chance of being able to conceive I cringed. I so don't want to get back on that merry-go-round again.

Still, I have charted this months cycle just to see what might happen with my body. I will discuss it with my herbalist but am really not keen on following the direction of either my Dr or gyno who seem to be completely clueless.

Today my daughter overheard a boy in the playground saying he was going to look for his little brother. My daughter then turned to me and said "I look for my little sister?" I couldn't reply. She repeated it and I had to just hold back the tears. We live in one of New Zealand's holiday destinations so of course there are families of four everywhere, frolicking around in the sunshine. I'm so looking forward to some time out from our everyday lives and not being surrounded by growing families this Christmas. I really just want to chill, to be, and to forget the year that was.