...a baby doll, that is! For my daughter. She's never really been into dolls but two people have recommended a baby doll as a way of teaching her empathy and compassion as it worked for one Mum with a child with ASD. So I spent a good ten minutes or so in The Warehouse today trying to decide which one would work best for her. I ended up choosing one which cries when you remove it's dummy and stops when you either replace the dummy, give her a hug or give her some a bottle. She has a rattle and a change of clothes as well as a carry-cot. My daughter seems to have taken to her even though she enjoys making her cry (pulling out the dummy) at this point!
I joked to my husband today that the baby was for me! It's true; I have enjoyed playing "babies" with my daughter this afternoon. Yet when we got home from a short excursion into town there was a message on our phone announcing the arrival of a friend's first baby - from an acquaintence. All I heard was 8lb then deleted it - I don't even know the sex! It is hard to not think back to the newborn days when I hear birth announcements. I have been quite riddled with jealousy. I won't probably make contact with the new Mum until I hear the news from her directly. I just don't feel like phoning this other person - the one who left the news - and rejoicing in the news with her when in fact I don't really feel like rejoicing. It might sound selfish but I'm sure it's not the end of the world if I don't acknowledge this baby's arrival immediately. I'm not a close friend or anything.
I guess Christmas brings up a whole lot of stuff. I am aware of the good things in my life - very aware. And so I am embracing them. But the maternal ache I have for another child seems to be just below the surface in the silly season. I guess for two Christmases in a row I hoped I'd have baby news to announce. This Christmas I didn't expect to have that news but I have the strong feeling of feeling left behind, once again. I guess Christmas is kind of bitter-sweet in that it reminds of what we've got but also what we haven't got/what we've lost.
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