I've had a mixed bag of a day emotionally. On one hand I've had lots of fun making homemade Christmas mince pies and Lebkuchen (German gingerbread) with my daughter. Yet my Christmas spirit has been dampened by SIF overwhelm.
I went for my third counselling session today. I had a cry in there - the first time I've cried in front of that particular counsellor. All those awful SIF feelings are flying around right now - envy and resentment towards MOTs, MOTHS and MOFs. And some very big grief is going on.
What I've established with my counsellor is I need to accept that there is no "answer" right now to what is going on with me hormonally. I have to learn how to live in the grey. Which is what I have been trying to do these last few months. But I did want a clear-cut answer at the Dr's yesterday - I really did. I guess I really wanted to move on from the SIF chapter of my life. Now I'm back to living in the unknown a bit, with a few What if's? thrown in. I hate living in limbo land!
I'm just going to be for the next month while on holiday. No analysing of what a period after six months of no period means. No rushing off to seek medical advice "just in case" I may be able to TTC again. I need to continue to look after me right now. There is still grief to be processed. It wasn't hard for the tears to roll today when I received two photos from families of four showcasing their two kids. Don't get me wrong; I want to see what their children look like as they grow. But at the same time it is like a knife going in. It is very hard to celebrate their complete families while mine is still very much incomplete in my heart.
Yesterday a neighbour commented that she wanted to spend more time with her youngest child of three children who was growing up fast. She said it was sad as it was the last time she got to mother a toddler (words to that extent). Although I could feel her pain I thought well that's what infertility is like, isn't it - always wanting and hoping for another shot at motherhood while fighting the odds. At least this women has a third child to be sad about!
SIF brings out the Christmas grinch in me a bit. Which isn't fair as the un-SIF side of me likes to have fun and to celebrate all that Christmas means. I look forward to a Christmas in the future in which SIF isn't casting a shadow of grief. Even my counsellor today stated how few children there were adopted out in New Zealand - how slight the chances are of that happening. I disagree with her. I have hope that the adoption path might just work out for us. Let's see what 2009 has to bring.
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