Why not me?

I've asked myself Why me? a lot during my SIF days. I still think that way at times. But I have also been thinking more and more, Why not me? Why shouldn't I be one of the secondary infertile ones on the planet? We all have to deal with pain and loss in life. I guess secondary infertility was something God sent my way to open up a new level of emotional and spiritual growth. It's not like we get to choose our troubled times.

I got to hold a five month old baby at work today. She was one half of a set of twins who were getting their foot-prints done on some ceramics. Both babies were unsettled so her Mum passed me one to hold. There was a time when someone passing me a baby to hold made me want to burst into tears and I would avoid being around them. Today it felt natural but not painful.

AF arrived yesterday. Very odd! I haven't had a period for six months and kind of thought I wasn't going to have another one. Apparently with POF you can still get the odd period - it's not as black and white as menopause where once they stop, they stop. It has unsettled me a bit getting a period. Yesterday I got a bit confused around what this might mean. But I've decided I'm just going to go with my herbalists advice and just let my ovary do what it's meant to do - whatever that is.

The good thing is I can go and get a second FSH test which'll mean I'll get a final/proper diagnosis medically. My gyno wanted me to do another FSH test before determining what the his next step might be. This was a few months back. Of course I'm several steps ahead of him, having started the ball rolling with the adoption process. My period is quite light and I really don't think I've ovulated at all. I'm not putting a huge amount of meaning into having a period at this time.

It might sound strange, but it has been nice having AF visit again. I have even said to my body that I will just go where it wants to go. So if this is my final period for once and for all (as it is very light) then I feel okay about it. I wanted to say goodbye to AF on my terms!

So I'm going in for my Day Three FSH test first thing tomorrow morning and will hopefully have the results back later in the week.