Tricky business

Throughout my SIF journey I have been irked frequently by people's comments that have mainly stemmed from a lack of understanding of SIF. But often it has been The Fertiles i.e: women who can conceive easily, that have said and done some of the most hurtful things. This has always amazed me. I still do not understand how a woman who has been pregnant, and has her own child cannot put herself in an infertiles shoes for one minute and imagine how painful it would be to not be able to conceive.

I met a newish MOO friend for coffee on Saturday. All was well til she asked if I knew she was pregnant, while whipping open her loose top to expose a perfectly rounded bump. I had to fight back the tears on the spot. As she announced she was twenty-two weeks pregnant while lovingly stroking her bump I had to take stock of my reeling emotions. I had no idea as she is a slim woman who has probably only just started showing.

I was shocked on several accounts. She knows about my SIF - even if it is in a very general way. Although I was and am really happy for her I was also hurt by the way she told me her news. I ended up telling her our adoption plans but my SIF grief that was simmering in the background took over and from my end it didn't feel like genuine happy news I was sharing.

But is there a right way to tell an infertile woman you are pregnant? I'm not sure there is. It would be nice if there was some kind etiquette when dealing with The Infertile. I do think it is possible to put some thought into telling a infertile friend that you are up the duff. Some of us need to be and appreciate being handled with kid gloves. However some infertiles keep their infertility to themselves so the chances of making a social blunder are particularly high in this situation.

When I fell pregnant with my daughter I was very aware of how a friend who had been struggling with (primary) infertility for years might feel. So I phoned her up. She was one of the first people I told at the twelve week mark and she really appreciated my thoughtfulness. She said at the time one of the worst things was people who avoided telling her they were pregnant and then one day appeared with an obvious bump.

Announcing one's pregnancy to someone struggling with infertility is a tricky business. I know for me direct communication always works. If possible a phone call beats an email or a text every time. It tells me you've taken the time to consider my feelings and it even helps break the ice around a very delicate matter. Obviously how you break the news depends on your relationship with the infertile. But within my circle of friends I don't think that a bit of consideration is too much to ask for.