My SIF cross to bear

Ok so I've had a great couple of weeks. A good fortnight of feeling happy, joyous and free. It was almost as though SIF had left the building. I say almost!...

Although I believe I am in full acceptance that I cannot conceive another biological child (or as close to as I am likely to get to that for now) - I feel I have a way to go around recovering from SIF. Like any other loss or heartbreak in life; it's going to take time. Perhaps already the good patches of the aftermath of SIF are more frequent and obvious as they seem to last for a decent period of time - but there are still going to be rough days and days in which I get triggered.

Today has been one such day purely because it has been the first day of the school holidays. During term time my daughter and I have a pretty busy week. With Kindy in the morning and then stuff on in the afternoon a few days a week; there is a lot of socialising. I would say during term time my daughter doesn't get a chance to get lonely!! But during the holidays - our one-child family status is painfully obvious. I kept today free so we could have a mother-daughter day together. I've been working all weekend and her Dad kept her pretty busy so I thought a down day would be a great idea.

Of course she's an ASD child; so there are other complications to the mix apart from being an only-child. Yet I could tell she was missing Kindy today and it took her a while to get into the swing of playing just with Mum. She didn't ask like she sometimes does (Which friend is coming round?) but the thought was kind of dangling in the air.

I have been thinking how SIF was the worst kind of heart-break I ever experienced. Before SIF I thought only love and loss (as in the death of a loved one) could break my heart! SIF has woken me up to there being many other forms of heartbreak in life.

When it came to men - in my dating years before being married - as painful as it was at the time to experience yet another heartbreak - I knew there would be another fish in the sea eventually. However experiencing infidelity was something that completely changed me. Even when I was "over" the cheater, I had the cross to bear of a cheatee - I was vulnerable, overly cautious and not trusting of men for quite some time. To this day there is a part of me that remembers what it was like to lose trust and so much more because a man decided to sleep with someone else.

I suppose I am in a similar phase with SIF. I'm over it but I am still carrying the burdens of this painful period in my life. I feel less-than as a woman and I still don't feel like a "proper" Mum because I could only conceive one child - and therefore feel disconnected from most of the MOTs I know. In these school holidays; I know I have to be careful how many playdates I set up with families of more than one child. The sibling dynamic still hurts.

I haven't yet made peace with my body. But I have a minor back injury (a twisted lower spine) which seems to be reoccuring. It means I can probably no longer do what used to be my favourite class at the gym - a hip-hop dance class. But I am powerless over my health; my back, my reproductive system and anything else that chooses to give up the ghost!! I am starting to see that it was not my fault that my body did what it did - it was a freak of nature losing an ovary when my daughter arrived. There was nothing I could have done to prevent that from happening.

With accepting there isn't going to be another biological child, I obviously need to accept that this could be it as far as our wee family goes. The adoption option could work out for us; but it might not. Once we're in the perspective parents pool all we can do is hand it over to God. Yet with so little notice of being picked (under two weeks) - I cannot help but think our life will somewhat be on hold still - for the two years we plan to be in the perspective parents pool. For example, would I retrain/do a course knowing I might possibly have to stop it at any time? I guess the answer would be, I could return at a later date to a course if that happened. But still.

As I slowly work the (twelve) steps around SIF; I am now sitting on Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Well I am ready to be free of all the shitty SIF feelings I've carried around the last three years, that's for sure! I know my self-esteem and self-worth has been affected greatly thorough-out all this and ever-so-slowly I am rediscovering who I am and what I am actually worth after enduring this rather long personal tragedy.

I did some brainstorming around my SIF book and have decided to write my book in parts - basically year by year followed by the SIF aftermath. Within each part there will be chapters - and subheadings within each chapter. The book will be a mix of relevant writing to each chapter and actual excerpts from my blog! Watch this space; I will reveal more as I get further into things. I am very determined to do this and officially start writing/editing Oct 1st!

Life has changed - or have I changed?

I have been blessed with the most incredible peace for the last few days. It feels like such a very long time since my moods have felt stable - where I was able to see the bigger picture and not my SIF battle.

Although I am essentially in the calm after the storm; this slightly unsettling feeling remains that life is not as I knew it before. And more than that - I am not who I was before. I can see that the next few months are going to be about reassessing and even perhaps making some big decisions around where I'd like my life to head.

There is no doubt about it; a good handful of my relationships were severely bruised by SIF. My marriage feels as though it is in the recovery phase and I'm not sure things will be righted overnight. I guess I feel as though I have been so greatly affected and changed by SIF that I am different and therefore sit differently within my marriage. The pieces of the jig-saw puzzle don't fit as they did before and it feels a bit uncomfortable.

Because I was out on a limb for so long; I'm not sure I fit quite the same within a few of the relationships I had pre-SIF. Eventually, I would like to have conversations with some of my loved ones about my SIF experience and how that obviously impacted relationships. But for now I am contemplating and reflecting. There is no need to rush this natural step of wanting to make amends within my close relationships.

I feel as though God has healed me miraciously around my desire to have another biological child. It is not stinging so much to see babies and bumps around. In fact, when my eighteen year old neighbour comes round with her newborn; I in fact cannot imagine being back there again - starting all over again with motherhood.

I know I have moved past the stagnant waters of SIF in so many ways. Each time I am in a situation that used to completely crush me and now I feel okay - I smile on the inside. One such scenario was this week when I told a Kindy teacher how my daughter was enjoying our neighbour's newborn baby. A Mum overheard the conversation and blurted out :"Are you having a baby?!" She was obviously excited for me as she knew about my SIF. When I said no and explained why she was visibly embarrassed. And I wasn't peeved at her. I didn't think she should know better etc etc like I once would have. I just thought it was a simple mistake. If anything I was actually flattered that she thought I could be fertile!!

One of my MOT friends has been quite sick this week so I picked up her eldest daughter and took her to Kindy with my daughter then had both girls here one afternoon earlier this week. I could see as a MOT she was struggling with two children at home when feeling quite ill. It saved her a couple of trips out of the house and at least when her youngest went to sleep; she was able to rest. This particular MOT friend has helped me a lot with looking after our daughter when we've attended adoption appointments and courses. I was able to share with her in quite a lot of depth our adoption process story too this week which was great - it is nice to have some friends and family in the loop.

It feels so nice to not be riddled with anger and resentment! There is this new peace in my soul that is just growing by the day.

I got my second phone-call about the infertility support group so now there are three of us attending the first meeting! It was once again so nice to have an open and honest chat - if even for just five minutes - with someone who had been through IF. I shed a few tears after the phone-call as I feel as though I am being validated through this process of setting up a support group - validated that SIF was a very difficult experience to go through with minimal support.

The sun is shining today and I'm off to work - working all weekend. I know I am just at the beginning of happier times ahead - even if I might need to make some changes in my life along the way.

A new maturity

I have been waiting for this point in my life for what feels like a very long time - the time when I felt like I was truly done and dusted with SIF. The time when SIF started fading into my past. I believe it is happening right now!

This is an exciting phase for me to be in as I can honestly say I no longer feel consumed or overwhelmed by SIF. But I'm still affected by it. Where I'm at now is about facing the aftermath of SIF - putting all the pieces together that got blown apart over the last three years. And you know what; I have this new acceptance emerging that perhaps the pieces will never fit again like they did pre-SIF. Life has changed. I am in the process of integrating what was an incredibly period of my life into my life today.

With this integration, the penny is starting to drop. The clouds are lifting. The SIF blinkers are no longer on. A new maturity has arrived in my being. I have changed in some very deep ways and am still figuring out how exactly I have been altered.

Life throws us some lemons. I get that. I've had my share of lemons - like we all have. Pre-SIF every major lemon was deemed the greatest tragedy I'd ever been through. As an adult tragedies such as the death of a close friend, parents divorcing and being the victim of infidelity in a series of relationships in my twenties resulted in devastation. Every single personal tragedy rocked my world. Looking back - I couldn't imagine a pain that was any worse.

With SIF I went through the same emotions all over again. But this time they were deeper - somehow being infertile touched me in ways that no other personal tragedy did. I believe SIF was my cancer. This is the thing that God sent my way to teach me many lessons; which I'm still unraveling! We don't get to pick what tragedies enter our lives. Some families seem to be given cancer. And I cannot imagine having to deal with that as I have never dealt with it. But I have certainly known people who have been affected by it - acquaintainces who currently have it even.

But I am going to make a stand for all those that will suffer from IF or SIF behind me - and who are currently in the midst of it. These women should be treated as if they are going through cancer as they need exactly the same support and understanding, as far as I am concerned.

I just went for a lovely long walk around the airport and did lots of thinking about my SIF journey and felt very in touch with the God of my understanding. I am currently on a two-day cleanse - just fruit and veggies for two days and it feels quite timely with my recent Step Five. I feel the strings of SIF are slowly being cut - it's almost as though I can feel the balloons I have been carrying for so long breaking free one by one and blowing away into the distance.

I spoke to our official social worker this morning and we have our first couple-to-social-worker chat next Thursday! (October 1). Basically it's a debrief of The Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption). I was really nervous when I phoned the social worker and left a message on her answering machine. Probably because it is feeling a lot more real as we progress through the adoption process!

I love this sentence I read today from the book I just finished for my book-club: "There are such moments in life, when, in order for heaven to open, it is necessary for a door to close." from The Cave" by Jose Saramago, p.288.

Also in the letterbox today was this flyer today with: No matter how long the winter...Spring will always follow...Says it all, really!

Three years of praying for another shot at motherhood

Well yesterday was the official three year mark of praying for another shot at motherhood. The reason I know the day is because our daughter was eighteen months when we first TTC our second child - and yesterday she turned four and a half years old.

Wow, three years seems like a looooong time. I know others have been in this game for much longer than I - but three years still seems like a decent chunk of time. I was thinking yesterday how in three years I could have obtained a university degree! - which I did in that same time-frame in my twenties.

The main feeling that comes up when I think of putting what often feels like ninety percent of my time and energy into adding to our family all this time is exhausation. I am tired in every way - in mind, body and soul. And so, so sick of this being the focus of my life - wanting to add to our family. It might seem from the outside - from the perspective of those who haven't personally experienced IF or SIF that I have made this my focus on purpose. Well I haven't. I have tried to change tack but it always seems to come back to this...

I am feeling the aftermath of SIF quite strongly right now. Particularly within my relationships. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix all the relationships that have SIF cracks in them but I can't. Perhaps time will heal these fractured relationships - or perhaps they will be changed forever. I feel like I have been changed by SIF. I have been affected. So it makes sense that others around me have been inadvertedly affected by this (unchosen) change in me.

I am still reeling from Part II of the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) on Friday. My husband and I had a date last night - down to one of the locals for a beer and something light to eat. We had a debrief about Friday as we hadn't had a chance until then as it's been a pretty busy weekend. There are fears and concerns. But I think that is very natural given the complications of the adoption triad (as in birth family, adoptive child and adoptive parents). We have agreed we are open to adopting from any culture as New Zealand is afterall multi-cultural. We are both open-minded individuals yet I do wonder how the extended family would be around accepting a child from another culture. I'm not implying anyone is racist - just that a child from another culture in a family of "white" Kiwis would obviously stand out. It is one thing to enter the family via adoption but to have a different ethnic background as well just feels in a way like two strikes against the child right from the word go. (depending on the way you look at it). I do have two half-siblings that are half-Thai from my Dad's current partnership that are just family. They are still my half-sister and half-brother even though we look nothing alike!

I'm grateful that with the end of the school term approaching in New Zealand I am busy - so have other stuff to focus on. I didn't get the job I had an interview for a couple of weeks back. I was quite disappointed by that - but it was nice to be bummed out about something other than SIF!! ;)

I did the rest of my Step five today with a trusted friend. I have been working the steps around SIF for quite a few months. It was really freeing. I really want to move on from this episode in my life and I really think I am starting too. I also had a good chat with a woman just before who phoned up about my new infertility support group - she's keen to come!! Yay! It felt so good to be able to offer support to someone else going through PI, quite early in her journey. Also, today I have decided I will give myself six months to write my SIF book! So by the time my daughter is five years old my book will be written! I'm quite excited by this as it gives me a chance to write SIF well and truly out of my system and will help me to move on, I believe.

Another wee plan I have is, if I can't find extra work this year - I'm just looking for 10 - 15 hours during the week on top of my Sunday job - then I will put myself forth as a teacher's aide next year. With my daughter's ASD and psych/educ degree plus experience working with special needs kids; I think I'd be an asset. I guess I didn't want to do the teacher aiding this year as it has been a busy year getting all the specialists sorted out for my daughter and I wasn't quite ready to do it.

It feels good to have plans! Also, I am starting to mend my fractured relationship with the God of my understanding. I was angry at God for a very long time as I really didn't think He was on my side. Now I can see He is.

The Preparation and Education Programme (for Adoption ) - Part II

Three weeks ago my husband and I attended the first day of the Education and Preparation Programme for adoption in New Zealand. Today we attended the second day of the programme. The last session was focused around open adoption - what that means, how it works etc etc. Today the focus was more on issues the adopted child will face in his or her lifetime, attachment and adopting from another culture. We met three adult adopted children who had all experienced closed adoptions so it was interesting hearing their stories. We were all encouraged to think about open adoption and how we'd set up visits with the birth families.

The placement process was explained a little further - just how fast that happens. Basically in New Zealand you don't get "the call" that you have been picked until the baby has arrived. Then you have a week or maybe ten days to get everything sorted - lawyers, meetings with the birth family, and creating a contact plan with the birth family - it is full on! In New Zealand by law the baby cannot be passed over to the adoptive parents until the baby is twelve days old.

It was suggested today that we have a written plan for how to handle that intense period of time between when you get picked and the birth parents sign the legal papers that say the child is now legally yours. It sounds like an incredibly emotionally turbulent time!

My husband and I found out today who our social worker is. The next step is to phone her up to make an appointment to talk about the process thus far with her and where we're at. After that there is more form-filling to be done followed by some assessment interviews (two to four) - including one in our own home. I plan to phone the social worker next week to keep the wheels turning. Apparently it takes about three months to go through the assessments so I am thinking we'll be through the whole adoption process in the first quarter of next year - hopefully within the next six months, all going well.

The same seven couples were there as last time. All had travelled to Nelson except one other couple (and us) and I got their number. Will be nice to keep in touch with others going through the process.

It was on the tip of my tongue to mention my new infertility support group at the course today but it didn't quite feel like the right timing. But I was rapt to get home and find a message on our answering machine about the group! I will return the call asap this weekend. I was really pleased to see the first community notice in the local community paper this week too. It feels like this infertility support group might actually get off the ground!

All in all I've had a good day. It was tiring, once again, being on the adoption course and taking in so much information. But it's exciting, we're moving forward in the process - and it's still very much a case of well-you-never-know (it might just work out!)

Tonight we went to a disco at my daughter's Kindy. It was loads of fun. It felt good to be in a good space - to enjoy it midst all the MOTs and the younger siblings. It was nice to feel free and to have a bit of a dance. It is always good to have peace and hope in my heart - long may it last (as in longer than a day or two!)

Sick of the world not getting it!

Hmmm, I'm in a SIF shit! I know I'm tired - in mind, body and soul. Fighting SIF and then facing the aftermath is exhausting. It just doesn't help that this feels like such a lonely battle. I feel like quite the one (wo) man show within SIF.

It seems as I officially approach three years of praying for another shot at motherhood this weekend that many of my support systems have fallen to the wayside. I guess people are either sick of asking/think I should be over it/are at a loss for words/have not considered that SIF could still be an issue or have completely forgotten that I am still going through one of the most devastating times in my life.

I just wish, wish people could empathise more with SIF. I to this day do not understand why it is so hard to put yourself into the shoes of a woman who cannot conceive.

I guess eventually I'd like to educate the greater world out there - the world outside of SIs - how we actually need support - those of us going through SIF. It hurts that friends whose lives are working out smoothly have decreased contact. It also hurts that friends who've had their own share of tragedies in life have also been in infrequent contact because often their tragedy has been deemed more tragic than mine.

When someone dies; people bring around a casserole. When a relationship ends; company is offered - the dumpee is taken out for a drink. But when infertility strikes what do we do exactly? F**k all. Not enough as far as I am concerned.

Sometimes I think back to when a friend of mine went through primary infertility years ago. Was I much of a support to her? I don't think so. Not in a deep-emotional connection kind of a way. But I did understand she was grieving - I got that much. I understood that she didn't want to be around babies - it made sense. So I was gentle around her and gave her the space she seemed to need to process things. Years later, she's still fighting PI and I've joined her in my SIF. She has said some really kind and lovely things and not trivalised SIF at all. But one day I will tell her in person that I am sorry that I wasn't more of a support back when she perhaps really needed it - in what I believe were her dark days of IF.

I see pain and loss in people's lives all the time. Challenges people are dealt with that force them to grow and change. Yet physical disabilities and terminal illnesses get recognised and acknowledged and therefore supported right from the onset. With IF - and particularly SIF it's as if all surrounding the people affected are waiting and hoping infertility will be accepted by those afflicted so everyone can move on (and breathe a sigh of relief). Why? Because it is awkward. Infertility is awkward. "Oh. You can't have kids?" How are you meant to respond to that? Cooking a casserole or offering to be taken out for a drink probably aren't appropriate gestures yet I'd gratefully accept either option if that was what was offered to me!

I have been reflecting around my awareness of my "baby-shaped hole." The last time I went through some really big stuff in my life (around ten years ago), I was on the other side of the world and far away from friends and family. Although I met some great people who helped carry me through this time; in many ways I was alone - it was just me and God.

It seems God has created some emotional distance between myself and those I love during this challenging time. So once again it is as though I need to find the personal strength to really turn to God to get through this because there isn't anyone to lean on. Sure, I have the occasional forms of support in the form of my husband, a mother who checks in off and on and a close friend who is very understanding around the whole grief process. But what I am missing is a best friend! I don't have that connection with any female in my life right now where I can share my deepest darkest stuff in total confidence. And looking back; when I was in Canada ten years ago and going through some tough times - I didn't have a best friend or close friend in the flesh either.

I guess if I had been able to lean on my friends; I wouldn't have to lean on God so much. I certainly have my most-valued friends on Dailystrength. Without them I would be completely lost.

My baby-shaped hole

Years ago I was introduced to the concept of a "God-shaped hole." It's that place inside of us that has been conditioned to seek happiness through things outside of ourselves, when underneath it all, it is God and only God who can offer us the peace and serenity we seek.

Around ten years ago God sent me a barrage of stuff to teach me this lesson. It was incredibly, incredibly painful. I remember being unemployed, single, and penniless while living on the other side of the world. I had nothing to define myself by - no job, boyfriend or money. I'd been fired, my boyfriend had cheated on me and the relationship consequently dissolved and I was living in Canada, earning very little money.

It turned out to be both the best and the worst time of my life.

The worst - because of how I had to start all over again. I had to find Lynda amongst the debris of several situations that had failed to work out. It was as though I was blown into a million pieces and had to somehow put myself back together again.

So this at the same time turned out to be one of the best times of my life as I wasn't constrained by anything or anyone. I really could make a fresh start. And I did. I moved back to New Zealand. I retrained. I got a job. Life turned out not only good - it turned out great. I got married. I had a baby.

But then I hit another bump. Really God? I thought I'd dealt with all this crap already! has pretty much been my reaction over the last three years when it became clear that another biological child wasn't coming my way.

I have clicked recently big-time that my God-shaped hole came around this time as a baby-shaped hole. The baby didn't come and I have this huge open wound within me that is desperate to be filled with something. So I can see why I have been in despair for the last few days as it seems likely that I didn't get the job I applied for recently.

God clearly thinks I need some more time to transform this baby-shaped hole of mine into a God-shaped hole. Time to realise and recognise that only He can can fill my aching emptiness. So until I feel filled up again with God's love; I believe the externals in my life won't happen - the job, another baby, the house, other hopes and dreams - they will remain locked away until I fully embrace that this is a time for letting God in.

So I am there. I get it God! It's like my life - this new chapter - will emerge from within. It's an internal process - not an external one. A lot of us get this so wrong out there - life becomes about power, property and prestige - things that make us feel good and complete. But it should be the other way round. Happiness comes from the inside: not the outside.

I can feel a surge of healing about to take place. I needed to really to understand what I was missing - God's love in my heart - before I could allow the healing to begin.

On Sunday at work I was playing some of my old CDs. I put on one of Robbie Williams CD and just love that song Feel. Especially the first two versus! God has so been laughing at my plans these last three years! This song is for me about a relationship with God. I have just played it three times - it's so where I'm at!

Feel by Robbie Williams

I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I�ve been given.

I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language, I don�t understand.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
�cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I don�t wanna die,
But I ain�t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I�m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That�s why I keep on running.
Before I�ve arrived, I can see myself coming.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
�cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

(instrumental)

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There�s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it�s a real big place.

(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I�ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

For the video see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4xNk6gMRdY

Will I ever be more than this?

Frick. I'm in (yet another) SIF slump. Though this time it isn't about the old I-can't-believe-I-can't-have-another-biological-child; it is more about facing the aftermath of SIF. I guess until I got to that point of turning away from SIF and calling it a bad day (or a bad year or three!!); I could not face the mixed bag of emotions fully that have been brewing away for what feels like a very long time.

I'm so over feeling stuck, lost, out of touch with my dreams and even worse - at a constant arms length from my dreams. I have felt directionless for the last three years and it's not like I haven't tried to move forward - I just can't seem to. Or at least, I can't seem to move forward very far.

I'm waiting to hear back from a job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. I got an interview and am hoping to make it to second-interview stage. It's only 11 hours a week. But I would really like to get it. I need something new to happen. I need to put my energy into something else. I am desperate to move on from the aftermath of SIF.

I accept there is still a tangled web of unpleasant feelings I need to sort out after a decent spell of SIF. If only it was so simple; that it was obvious my TTC days were over and I could just say "Oh well. That's that then. What's next?"

I feel like I have been affected by SIF in more ways than I know. Every single relationship I have in my life has been touched by SIF - and mainly in the sense that it has created some emotional distance between myself and others. Sometimes this distance has been spoken of - but mainly it hasn't been acknowledged. I wonder if these relationships will ever recover fully.

I've realised that SIF is not a universal loss. People do not get it. It's not like a relationship ending or dealing with a death - most people have dealt with those losses or will eventually face them in their lifetimes. They are expected losses so the masses are somewhat prepared for them. But infertility - particularly secondary infertility - that is not something the average Joe can get his head around.

I'm just sick of feeling like I've had to keep this big part of my life secret. I have tried sharing about it over the years but one too many misunderstandings or judgments caused me to really shut down in my greater world out there. Thank God I had my blog and my on-line support groups.

I say I want to walk away from SIF yet there is a small part of me that wants the explanation - as in what was wrong with me - what is wrong? Just why exactly it was that I couldn't conceive. Is it POF or premature menopause?

I have a letter from the gyno who delivered my daughter which clearly says contact with her should be made if I had trouble conceiving. But it never was. I am toying with the idea of writing a letter to her via my Dr as I can't see her directly. I guess I want closure, if possible. That seems to be the thing that is holding me back from not quite being able to shut the SIF door behind me - the niggling feeling that an explanation could be given - I just might have to push to get one.

Loving an imperfect body

Yesterday I went for a massage my husband had kindly booked me for my birthday. However, I ended up having a back massage combined with a treatment called Chi Nei Tsang.

The reason I had Chi Nei Tsang is because I had been to this masseuse before - the last time being when I was heavily pregnant and explained to her how I'd been through SIF for the last three years and was now on the adoption route. She explained how Chi Nei Tsang is body work and massage on the abdomen which emphasizes moving chi energy to the abdominal organs. It is detoxifying (helps with digestive complaints) and strengthening (releases deep seated tensions and restores vitality).

During the back massage the masseuse descibed a vision she had about me. She said she saw a castle with beautiful coloured flags outside. They were very attractive and inviting and lots of people wanted to come in - friends, family - everybody. Inside though there was an ugly dog that was kept out of sight as it barked and wasn't pleasant. Nobody knew about the dog. The masseuse said the castle was me - how people are attracted to my sparkly personality. But hardly anyone knew about the darkness within me. I had hidden it because I thought it would scare people away. I said to her I felt I was at a point where I thought I wanted to bring the dog out of the darkness and to integrate it with the rest of my being - she totally agreed. Starting an infertility support group and being at the stage of feeling ready to put my SIF book into action feels as though I am coming out of SIF hiding, somehow .

The masseuse also talked about how I was a perfectionist of sorts and how perfection in the past had led to happiness and joy. However, although she wasn't telling me to let go of my perfectionism; she said to being aware of it might help me understand how I felt about my imperfect body.

Now that is interesting though. I really do feel like I am moving on from SIF. I am in acceptance (as much as I will ever be, I feel) around not being able to have another biological child. But I have been damaged by SIF in more ways than I probably even know at this point. Off the top of my head I can tell you that my self-esteem, sexuality, femininity, faith, hope, self-worth, relationships, trust and drive in life have all been affected.

I am now on a journey around healing from SIF and it's not going to happen overnight. I'm really looking forward to the next step in the adoption process for us next Friday: Part II of The Education and Preparation Programme. Yet, there are still residual SIF feelings to deal with. It's not like going down the adoption route has totally wiped all the grief and pain of the last three years.

When I had the Chi Nei Tsang done, the masseuse was actually massaging my organs - intenstine, liver etc. It was kind of bizarre! I've had a bloated stomach for the last couple of months and my Dr thought it was IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). The masseuse thought so too. She explained how our feelings can get trapped in our organs. By grieving silently about SIF for so long; it makes total sense to me why some feelings got a bit blocked - and therefore why that has been reflected in my body!

I was actually looking forward to a one hour aromatherapy massage yesterday but perhaps I just got what I needed. I'm not sure if it's my imagination; but I'm sure the bloating has gone down overnight.

Today when a MOT-to-be at the reception desk at my gym rubbed her stomach; I felt tears welling up a little. I realised it's about more than not being able to have a beautiful round bump of my own again. It's about feeling incomplete, imperfect, less beautiful than, less of a woman than The Fertile Ones out there. That is why I get so resentful and jealous - SIF is a loss on so many levels. It's about so much more than not being able to conceive again.

As we go through the adoption process, which in itself has been intense at times; I find I once again want space from the MOTs I know. I want to feel complete, perfect (with an imperfect body), beautiful, and like a woman again. But the only person who can make me feel like this is me. And only I can give myself the time and space to heal.

I've started an infertility support group!

Well I did it! - today I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau and had a chat with them about starting up a support group. They directed me to Volunteer Services where I found a room and subsequently have booked the first Wednesday of each month for the next three months for the brand-spanking new Nelson infertility support group!! :)

I'm pretty excited about it! I have four weeks to get the word out. I've already sent an email to the local community paper and will start informing Dr's, gynos, herbalists, infertility specialists, acupuncturists and whoever else I can think of that may deal with those facing infertility. I am looking forward to utilising my graphic design and marketing skills to do something for the community - something that I feel will be very worth-while.

The first meeting is Wednesday 7th October. The ad in the community paper reads:

INFERTILITY SUPPORT GROUP New group meeting monthly in town for women only. First meeting Wednesday 7th October from 7 - 8pm, followed by tea and coffee. All women going through either primary or secondary infertility are very welcome to attend. Privacy ensured. Ph Lynda on 548 6877 for further details.

Today was the day of new beginnings, it would seem. I went for a job interview as an international student homestay coordinator at one of the local girls colleges (high-school in American-speak!). I will find out at the end of the week/beginning of next week if I make it to the second interview stage. I hope so. I know I'd be good at the job and I'd enjoy it too.

I feel by starting an infertility support group that I have "outted" myself to the next level as a SI. I feel the best I have for a very long time; so I know I have done something great today. My only concern is that PIs might shy away knowing SIs could be present, but I will just have to hope that those attending can see infertility, whether it be primary or secondary, as a grief we all share.

If it hadn't been for all the amazing support I've had on-line for the last almost two years with Dailystrength and recently RESOLVE; I'm sure I wouldn't have realised just how valuable support groups for infertility are. So thank-you to all my SI on-line friends - you've inspired me and given me strength to bring a new infertility support group to a town that didn't have one.

Not a comfy fit

For many years I was a bit of a gypsy. I moved from place to place for a good decade, and never owned much at all material-wise. In 2000 I bought my first ever couch - as a single woman. It was a momentous occasion for me as it was the beginning of my settling-down days.

I have been quite attached to that couch ever since. Even though it was second-hand and much loved when I initially got it.

However some family members (not in my little family) have made it perfectly clear they didn't like the couch and we have been offered replacements over the years (why what our couch looks like is so important to some; I will never understand!) For a long time I have stood my ground and said nope, I am not giving up my burgundy-velvet couch! Until a week ago.

I have felt like making some kind of a statement that I am leaving SIF behind and moving on to greener pastures. Replacing our couch seemed like a symbolic gesture.

Our new couch is a cane one dressed in cobalt blue. It looks nice. Arguably better than the burgundy-velvet one. But it isn't comfortable. It could be in time but at the moment it just feels so different to burgundy-velvet and I haven't yet adjusted to the change. I bought some new cushions to brighten it up further and although they help; I still can't quite find a comfortable spot on that couch. Burgundy-velvet sits in the garage; but I'm going to give cobalt blue-cane a good go!

This really is where I'm at with the whole open adoption process. I've put SIF in the garage, and am giving open adoption a good chance to feel comfy in my mind. I'm getting there but it most certainly is a process in which I need to give myself as much time as I need.

Open adoption doesn't feel comfy just yet. But I so want it to be. Just like the cobalt blue-cane couch!

Yet it feels as though another chapter is emerging on the whole praying for another shot at motherhood front. I applied for a job last week - just eleven hours a week - and it would fit in so well around the Kindy run. I have an interview tomorrow! (jobs are hard to come by in this town at this point)

On Sunday I wrote myself a few pages of goals. I have some creative goals in particular I really want to start the ball rolling on. One includes finally writing Another Shot At Motherhood - the book. It will essentially be based on this blog - that's almost two years worth of material I have to work with! I'm looking forward to sitting down and formulating the chapters and seeing it evolve. Very exciting.

I have been thinking approximately two and a half years from now our family will be complete - with or without another child. That's exciting too. Somehow having a cut-off date in the not-so-distant future is allowing me to formulate some other goals in life. I feel as though I am beginning to crawl out of the almightly standstill that was SIF.

Churned up around open adoption

Oh my, it has been quite the week of processing since we did Part 1 of the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) - highs, lows and everything in-between.

I chatted about the aftermath of this first session with my husband briefly this morning - he agrees it has been full-on processing it all.

I feel a mix of so many things - vulnerable, scared, excited, worried - and hopeful.

I've shared with a handful of people around last weeks session. I'm not sure if it makes things better or worse disclosing things with people who have no understanding of how open adoption works. I certainly feel churned up around the whole open adoption deal right now.

I feel I am having to let go of several things that encompassed becoming a Mum the first time round - a BFP, nine months of pregnancy, childbirth (though our daughter arrived via an emergency c-section and I had a general, so I was hardly a witness to her birth!), the first few precious hours (so, so absolutely mind-blowing), the first night, the first week together, and breastfeeding (I breastfed my daughter til she was three though for the last eighteen months or year it was only once a day). I felt like a superstar when our daughter had arrived - like I had done something really amazing. The miracle of life and all that - it took my breath away.

Perhaps there is a part of me (okay a big part) that wants to re-live all that. What Mum doesn't?! And I know with adoption things will start quite differently with an adopted child.

The "paper pregnancy" is our time for making the space in our minds and hearts for another child, that wasn't born biologically to us, into our lives. It's the time for making space for another family. Obviously we won't know until an adoption is finalised how an open adoption might work between the parties involved. But for now, it is an important part of the adoption process to understand that the birth family exists in our perspective adoptive child's life.

The other side of the whole open adoption process that has me churned up is meeting the birth mother - and then essentially taking her baby away!! Obviously I understand that all involved would have agreed to and carefully considered things before that happens. But still! Woman to woman, mother to mother, I cannot help but feel as though I would be stealing her baby! I think after seeing the videos last Friday of the birth Mums who had experienced both open and closed adoption; it was hard to see the reality of the birth mother's side of the story. The fact that giving up a child is not easy for any mother. They don't switch off their feelings and simply hand the baby over. Not at all.

Therefore, knowing that the birth mother has sacrified motherhood for me, and the adopted child has missed out on having a close relationship with it's natural Mum; causes me to be open-minded around open adoption. From the child's perspective; I am totally for it.

What a complicated triad: the birth parents, the adopted child and the adoptive parents! All relationships come with challenges but this particular dynamic is one that is both fascinating and scarey all at once.

I feel alone within the adoption process itself. One part of me craves for someone to ask how I'm doing, someone to understand how I'm feeling - another part wants to shut everyone out - especially MOTs! It is too much, once again, to surround myself with The Completed Families when I feel as though I really am putting myself out on a limb. I mean if adoption fails, that's the end of the road for us. So this is it for us - we either end up adopting a child - or we don't.

If anything, in a way going through the adoption process causes me to feel much more vulnerable and exposed than when I did when dealing with just SIF. Instead of appearing from the outside that I was trying for another child, I've now obviously stepped it up a notch. I am serious people when I say I want to add to our family! The adoption process is no walk in the park! You cannot help but be faced with your SIF crap as you go through this.

Phew! My husband and I are going on our Friday night date tonight - ten pin bowling!. I feel we really need this time to have fun and relax!

My paper pregnancy

I have heard the adoption process being referred to as a "paper pregnancy." It seems to be a very apt term.

Although there are obviously no physical symptoms to be experienced; there are lots of psychological and emotional processes to go through as the paperwork side of things gets done.

I'm finding that I am going through the highs and lows all over again now that we're on the adoption route. Maybe not all over again - I guess the highs and lows never actually stopped!! But the adoption route roller-coaster is perhaps different to the SIF one.

With SIF I was pretty much a lost cause from quite early on. Some SIs have the regular cycles and ovulation on their side - at least the basics to work with, even if they are still have problems TTC. Me, I didn't have the basics. It was like playing cricket without a bat.

With adoption, I believe our stakes are a lot higher. So I feel more hopeful around adoption than I ever did with SIF.

However, fears, doubts and concerns seem to be part of going down the adoption route. I have been sharing my thoughts and processes around open adoption with some friends and family. Naturally people have their opinions on it. I am still trying to get my head around the fact that you lose a sense of "ownership" with open adoption. Not that any of us own our children; but we do naturally tend to think of our kids as - our kids.

I have been feeling a real mix of "this could really work for us" and grief as I make the shift from adding a child to our family biologically to via adoption.

I dropped into Playgroup this morning which is next to Kindy - I took my daughter there for three years. I went in to have a look at their library system as we are replicating a similar one at Kindy. I felt fine, even good this morning and then I saw a couple of MOTs I know. It's like my spirits spiralled right there and then. I guess for so long I thought I was going to be taking my second child there while my daughter was at Kindy. Instead I go in and I feel somewhat haunted by the loss of a former dream.

Sigh. It's a gorgeous day so I am going to go for a walk. I need some quiet time with me and God. I mainly feel pretty optimistic about adoption, but the whole paper pregnancy is all new to me and there are bumps along the road every now and then, it would seem.

A wee emotional backlash

I guess I was on an emotional high for a few days after attending the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) on Friday. It really felt like that this was our new dream - that this was the way God intended for us to add to our family.

I do still think the adoption option is a great one for us but I guess there is some new grief emerging as a result of going down this path. I have acceptance going on around not having a biological child. But I suppose I am going through a period of adjustment in getting my head around the fact that if we are successful in adoption; our child will come to us in what feels like at this point in time, an unnatural way.

I have no qualms about loving another child that isn't our blood. Not at all. I know my husband and I are capable of that.

But to bring a child into our home at around two weeks of age (by law in New Zealand the child is with the birth Mum til it is twelve days old) and taking it away from it's birth mother feels almost wrong. Also with adoption there is no pregnancy, no childbirth and you miss out on some of the early days of the baby's life.

Adoption is great but it is not perfect - it's complicated, even, given that in this country open adoption is encouraged. Although I heard some great examples of open adoption working at the Education and Preparation Programme on Friday; I cannot help but feel a little skeptical about it. Many of the adoptive parents shared how initially how open adoption felt strange to them also but now they wouldn't have it any other way. I would say the thought processes I am having round adoption are all perfectly normal.

Although as adoptive parents we'd be the ones raising this adopted child; the birth family would still be part of the child's life. Obviously to what extent they are involved would be determined by both parties. I understand at this point that the parenting decisions will always be up to the adoptive family. I suppose the dynamic with the birth family is not unlike the relationship you'd have with a Aunt or Uncle who perhaps was in touch every now and then.

My daughter and I went round to visit my neighbours newborn again today. My daughter is quite besotted with her. She actually asked me if I had a baby this morning and if she had a little sister! Once again my neighbours Mum was inappropriate with things - she asked my daughter directly if she wanted a baby brother or sister - and she knows I'm infertile and going through the adoption process! What is it, with people?!

I feel a sadness but it's changed. I guess it's do with moving on from SIF and finding another way to add to our family. But it's going to take me a while to get truly comfortable with our new dream, I suppose.

We have a God box (a box decorated with pretty wrapping paper that sits in our wardrobe) and I emptied it the other day to see what was in there. I found "getting pregnant." I ripped it up and will update it to read "to adopt a baby".

I'm feeling quite exhausted at the moment - all these emotional highs and lows really take it out of you! I've said no to a few demands placed on me lately - Kindy committee stuff, ASD related stuff for my daughter - I just really need a lot of downtime at this point in my life. I'm feeling so fat and bloated too - a side affect of my raging hormones. I'm pretty healthy all in all but will watch what I eat a little as I am not enjoying not being able to fit into my clothes! I put on around 4kg pretty fast. I know it's primarily water retention but the vain side of me misses the slim figure I've had for the last couple of years. Not that I've ever being huge. Blah blah blah - going on about weight! I suppose it bugs me because like SIF, this hormonal weight gain just reminds me of how I'm well, getting older. I didn't think I had aging issues but I guess I do!