Sick of the world not getting it!

Hmmm, I'm in a SIF shit! I know I'm tired - in mind, body and soul. Fighting SIF and then facing the aftermath is exhausting. It just doesn't help that this feels like such a lonely battle. I feel like quite the one (wo) man show within SIF.

It seems as I officially approach three years of praying for another shot at motherhood this weekend that many of my support systems have fallen to the wayside. I guess people are either sick of asking/think I should be over it/are at a loss for words/have not considered that SIF could still be an issue or have completely forgotten that I am still going through one of the most devastating times in my life.

I just wish, wish people could empathise more with SIF. I to this day do not understand why it is so hard to put yourself into the shoes of a woman who cannot conceive.

I guess eventually I'd like to educate the greater world out there - the world outside of SIs - how we actually need support - those of us going through SIF. It hurts that friends whose lives are working out smoothly have decreased contact. It also hurts that friends who've had their own share of tragedies in life have also been in infrequent contact because often their tragedy has been deemed more tragic than mine.

When someone dies; people bring around a casserole. When a relationship ends; company is offered - the dumpee is taken out for a drink. But when infertility strikes what do we do exactly? F**k all. Not enough as far as I am concerned.

Sometimes I think back to when a friend of mine went through primary infertility years ago. Was I much of a support to her? I don't think so. Not in a deep-emotional connection kind of a way. But I did understand she was grieving - I got that much. I understood that she didn't want to be around babies - it made sense. So I was gentle around her and gave her the space she seemed to need to process things. Years later, she's still fighting PI and I've joined her in my SIF. She has said some really kind and lovely things and not trivalised SIF at all. But one day I will tell her in person that I am sorry that I wasn't more of a support back when she perhaps really needed it - in what I believe were her dark days of IF.

I see pain and loss in people's lives all the time. Challenges people are dealt with that force them to grow and change. Yet physical disabilities and terminal illnesses get recognised and acknowledged and therefore supported right from the onset. With IF - and particularly SIF it's as if all surrounding the people affected are waiting and hoping infertility will be accepted by those afflicted so everyone can move on (and breathe a sigh of relief). Why? Because it is awkward. Infertility is awkward. "Oh. You can't have kids?" How are you meant to respond to that? Cooking a casserole or offering to be taken out for a drink probably aren't appropriate gestures yet I'd gratefully accept either option if that was what was offered to me!

I have been reflecting around my awareness of my "baby-shaped hole." The last time I went through some really big stuff in my life (around ten years ago), I was on the other side of the world and far away from friends and family. Although I met some great people who helped carry me through this time; in many ways I was alone - it was just me and God.

It seems God has created some emotional distance between myself and those I love during this challenging time. So once again it is as though I need to find the personal strength to really turn to God to get through this because there isn't anyone to lean on. Sure, I have the occasional forms of support in the form of my husband, a mother who checks in off and on and a close friend who is very understanding around the whole grief process. But what I am missing is a best friend! I don't have that connection with any female in my life right now where I can share my deepest darkest stuff in total confidence. And looking back; when I was in Canada ten years ago and going through some tough times - I didn't have a best friend or close friend in the flesh either.

I guess if I had been able to lean on my friends; I wouldn't have to lean on God so much. I certainly have my most-valued friends on Dailystrength. Without them I would be completely lost.