Goodbye 2010!

Another short and sweet post to say goodbye to 2010 - a year that has been about letting go on the SIF front - letting go of a dream (to have another biological child), letting go of the outcome of our alternate plan (to adopt a child) and letting go of the last four years of pain, grief, and hope. I know I cannot completely wipe the slate clean in 2011 - the stink of SIF will waver for years to come. But I have done everything in my power to make my life about other things in 2011. SIF will not be my focus; whatever the year brings. I wish nothing but peace and happiness to other women/families out there going through IF and SIF - and hope those that are "through it" continue to heal.

Merry Christmas!

Just a short post today to wish my readers/followers a very Merry Christmas. Thanks for reading and keeping up with my story. I sincerely hope 2011 comes with some good news for you all - in whatever form that may be.

We received a letter from Adoption Services this week to say that our profile has been accepted. So except for a small amount of paperwork that we will need to do in January; we are done and dusted with the adoption process. It's a good feeling. :) Our file is valid until April 2012 - if we want to remain in the "waiting pool" after that we have to send out a new application form, do another lot of medical and police checks plus provide two referees again. It will be interesting to see if we want to remain in the pool when this eighteen month period is up. I thought we'd be in for two years but obviously they start the two years from when the main application form is handed in.

I'm feeling pretty good as Christmas approaches. I'm surrounded by extended family right now which helps ease the pain of SIF that rears it's ugly head this time of year. I do have to apply self-preservation though and have to put a little distance between myself and some families of four that I know.

I left Dailystrength last weekend which was a freeing thing to do. I have also told the members of the local IF support group that I have started that I will be stepping down from hosting nightly meetings next year. I am still keen to organise casual cafe meetings every couple of months but personally need to move on from hearing about IF regularly. I really want and need to heal from it all. I'm hoping someone from the group will step into my shoes and offer to take nightly meetings or organise something so that the women who are still TTC/ going through treatments have somewhere to go.

My daughter was with me when we handed in our profile over a week ago. She has been telling kids and adults that she is "getting a brother or sister." For the most part she understands it is only something that might happen. But my heart does break for her whenever I hear her mention the sibling thing. For that reason I am glad that we have this eighteen month period of time to get through - to wait. I don't think as a family we can wait too much longer for a child to join us as we all need the closure - but at least it's not far now til we will get that. But I don't know what kind of a space we will be in when our eighteen months in the pool is up - perhaps we will want to wait another two years. I've no idea. But for now I have to break it down in chucks - smaller periods of time are easier to manage.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. xx

No Christmas baby

It's my fourth Christmas of hoping for another shot at motherhood. Four years of praying, living with the grief of SIF, growing emotionally and spiritually because of SIF, accepting and battling my fate, and moving on (ever-so-slowly) from what seemed like a simple desire many years ago - to have another child. It has been quite the journey.

And I still care. - still care and want that original dream to work out. Still want, carve and grieve the loss of the biological child that never came. Somehow Christmas makes the whole thing seem a whole lot worse. It is hard to see others - even others who well and truly deserve that much-wanted second child; get their Christmas bundles. When I revealed to some that we were close to going into the pool for prospective adoptive parents it was too easy and obvious that some would exclaim that we might get a baby for Christmas. I understand that friends are only looking out for us when they make comments like that. Yet the cold stark reality of adoption, and of SIF; is that miracles don't always happen. Yes, we are in the pool now. But there are no birth families looking to adopt out babies right now in our region. It will be another Christmas without a baby in my arms. I cannot pretend that that desire to hold and love another child isn't there. The tears are there this Christmas just like they were four years ago.

Our social worker went on holiday yesterday and isn't back til January 5th. She gave me some more feedback for our second draft of our profile and I've made the suggested changes and then my husband printed it out at his work today so it is ready to drop in to Adoption Services within the week. We still have a small amount of paperwork to do next year when our social worker gets back. So we've done just about everything entailed in the adoption process except for filling out two bits of paperwork. It would have been nice to have it all tidied up for 2010 but I guess things are just working out the way they are meant to - this whole thing has been dragged into 2011.

I feel as though I have been triggered on the SIF front in several ways this week - not just with the whole Christmas thing going on and that being a reminder of broken dreams - but also a few comments this week from my daughter about her "sister or brother" - she still has hope and talks freely about her sibling as if one is really coming - it breaks my heart on the days when adoption doesn't feel very hopeful. One of my daughter's caseworkers who hasn't been in touch for a year asked if another one had come along this week. I brushed that comment off with a "Not yet. Well you never know..." and wanted to kick myself for saying so. But I just couldn't do it - couldn't reveal my SIF as it has been many months since I've had to disclose my SIF to anyone. If feels as though it has gone back to being my dirty little secret as it was for a while before I starting blogging/forming a support group and joining online groups.

We have a steady stream of visitors coming through from this Saturday til January 8th so I guess my focus will soon be changed around SIF. Not that I have purposefully being dwelling as I have been very busy with work and ASD issues at my daughter's school - I've barely been able to keep up with my life. Yet I feel the heartache of SIF lingering in the background. The fear that our last shot at parenthood for the second time might not happen is right up there right now. I don't feel so blase about the outcome right now. I want it to work out. (adoption). I'm also aware of how much more waiting we have to do - another two years of building our lives quite significantly around the unknown. For the next two years we will have to consider plans carefully in case a baby does come into the picture. I resent living in limbo yet I have made the choice to do so as I cannot at this point let go of this dream.

I know I am overtired and stressed at the moment. My daughter is home sick as she has a stomach bug and I am meant to be work. I have been juggling motherhood and work for several works now as I've been working more in order to meet deadlines. It has made me grumpy as normally I have the work-life balance thing sorted with working 12 hours a week but when it is closer to 20 hours a week; I get exhausted.

I guess the one big thing I have done this week around SIF is I have declared it to be my last week with Dailystrength (til Saturday). I joined three years ago and it is time to move on. So guess I am making progress with all this. It's just at times like this, when the SIF grief feels big and I have to apply a lot of self-preservation and keep my distance from families of many; I wonder if I will ever not have this inner-ache that I feel like I have lived with for way too long. I so desperately want my life to be about other things - to move past all this. But it seems SIF runs so deep that there are times in my life - probably always will be - when it surfaces and takes over.

2nd draft of profile done

I went in for an appointment with our Social Worker on Thursday last week to look over our profile as she and two other staff members at Adoption Services had suggested some changes. I spent an hour or so making the changes and emailed the second draft off to her on Sunday night, so she should have received it this week. But I haven't heard back from her yet so will follow that up next week as I'm aware she is knocking off for Christmas very soon.

Apparently we are considered to be in the pool for prospective adoptive parents - even though our profile hasn't officially been handed in yet. I'm really looking forward to handing over the hand-copy of our profile and just walking away from it all. I'm more than ready to wind up this whole adoption process and this whole trying to add to our family deal. It does feel as though things have started to drag getting the profile to the final stages.

For a few weeks I felt quite positive and hopeful about the adoption process. But at the moment I am concerned about elements of our profile - "our story" as such, that may not be so appealing to some. Afterall, we've had to share our life history warts and all - the past - and the present. After a challenging couple of weeks on the autism front with our daughter; I wonder if the family member who said perhaps we are better off just having one child because of the ASD factor, is in fact, right. I've been asked to elaborate about life with our daughter in our profile. Anyone who understands autism even remotely knows that these children need a lot of extra special care and attention. I guess I have heard one story too many where siblings of autistic children are affected.

There is no perfect family. I know that - especially these days after having survived SIF. But I know the perspective of a birth family must be about aiming for the most perfect family possible since as birth parents they have obviously decided they are not up to the job.

I also worry about having to say that we'd more than likely put our potential adopted child into childcare at some point. Yet I don't know for sure what will happen as I may take maternity leave and then decide not to go back to work - which is what happened with my daughter - I didn't go back to the job I had maternity leave from but took on a different job with lesser hours. I understand about needing to be as clear as possible for the birth family but it is hard to predict how things will go when we don't know the timing of a potential adoption happening, where we will be at financially or what kind of head-space I will even be in to make decisions about work and when and if childcare even enters into the equation.

I guess when our social worker asked if I could work from home I kind of got the vibe that perhaps childcare in the earlier years isn't perhaps an appealing offer for some birth families. I've pointed out in the profile that I only actually work 12 hours a week and have no plans to increase my hours. Sigh. We can only be who we are, I guess. At this point in time I do need to work to help pay our mortgage. But with two kids we'd be eligible to more government support and once you factor in the cost of childcare - we possibly might be in the same boat whether or not I work or not. Perhaps I need to do some calculations to get my head around things and this might lead to some further clarity in our plans for our profile.

I've been busy with work - and still am - these past few weeks. In fact I haven't blogged for well over two weeks as my head has been full of work stuff. I'm looking forward to the Christmas holidays just to slow down and get some r & r.

I am a little anxious about the whole profile deal - that's why I just want it done and dusted so I cannot worry anymore about the content. I also feel my SIF stuff lurking in the background with Christmas just around the corner. I guess Christmas is a time of acknowledging one's dreams in life and when they haven't happened; it can be painful.

Many of the women I've met on my SIF journey are doing well. Babies have arrived or are arriving soon. Or there is a lot of hope in the air as new procedures or treatments are tried. At the same time my heart bleeds for the women I know who have reached the end of the road - who have to rebuild their lives somehow. I still stand somewhere in the middle - we have the opportunity at least to be considered for adoption - but it might not happen. I have no idea how this is all going to turn out. But just looking forward to 2011 being about other things - whatever they are.

Social worker has received our profile!

I got an email from our social worker today saying that she has received our profile and that that she, another social worker and another staff member will all be looking at it over the next couple of weeks. She said it looked great at a glance which was good to hear. She said to be assured that if a birth family came through soon then all efforts would be made to finalise our profile.

I'm quite happy with the timing as I have a busy couple of weeks coming up at work and really want to get things tidied up on the work-front before going into the pool. Our social worker said in an email that she was aware that Christmas was looming and so the aim is to get us in the pool before Christmas - so not long to go at all!

I feel the most incredible sense of relief knowing we are so close to being prospective adoptive parents. As my husband said, it is quite good going in to the pool at the end of this year because that means we only have to hang around for two full years to see what happens. It all feels right anyway - the way we have approached the adoption process - slowly but surely in our own time.

After feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off after completing the first draft of our profile; I have found this natural urge emerging to focus on the next thing. It is as though all this energy that went into hoping for another child and trying different ways to achieve this dream has come back to me again. I am astounded to realise just how much of myself I lost in so many ways as I went through the whole SIF deal. I have been looking online at writing courses and at a job that interests me. Yet I cannot really pursue these other things as writing courses involve money we don't have right now and starting a new job would really throw a spanner in the works as we enter the pool for prospective adoptive parents. But still; it's good to think about other things I might want to do with my life should I end up a Mum of One for good.

Although the limbo of being in the pool will restrict and define how we live our lives somewhat over the next couple of years; it won't be as frustrating as the limbo of living with secondary infertility. At least at this point in time we know exactly where we stand - we have reached the end of the road for adding to our family (adoption) - it's either going to work, or not. It really is that simple.

I have sent messages on Facebook to three groups around where we are at in the adoption process (near the end) - my in-laws, my Dailystrength friends (some of whom have moved on from Dailystrength) and my local friends who have known about our desire to adopt. There are others out there who know a little about our adoption plans but I will wait until we are in the pool before announcing it to the world - or at least on Facebook. We have been relatively open about our adoption plans but I am still somewhat careful around who I disclose full details to.

Already one friend today came back with how it would be a nice Christmas present - if we got picked this year. Hmmm. I have spent the last three Christmases hoping and dreaming another addition to the family would be here to share it with us. I am not holding my breath. Don't get me wrong - I am excited to have this opportunity to even be considered by birth families as adoptive parents. But I really have no idea how this is all going to pan out. Most I've met who have adopted in this country have waited several years before anything happened so I'm sure we won't suddenly get a phonecall just minutes after going into the pool!

Yep, the whole SIF has caused me to me a bit of a cynic. Or am I just realistic these days? I'm not sure. I no longer feel bitter, or consumed about SIF or riddled with grief and pain. I seem to be able to live in the moment more and am able to enjoy what I have in life - rather than what I don't. But I feel too defined still by this big loss that occurred in my life. It changed me. I still haven't quite figured out who I am post-SIF.

Emailed profile to social worker today!

Finally - our profile is done! I have spent quite a lot of time on it over the last two weeks - in particular the last weekend just been. I got my husband to read it last night and make any changes he thought we needed to make. I made the changes today and then emailed a copy off to our social worker. I gave her a call to tell her I'd emailed our profile through only to discover she's on leave til Tuesday. Nevermind. I know we are so, so close to being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents that I can just about taste it! ;)

It has been quite the process putting the profile together. I found it quite an exhausting task as essentially it was about telling our life story - and that meant including the good, the bad and the ugly. Plus I've included quite a few photos so have had to rifle through all our family photos over the last five and a half years. It has all been quite emotional and just huge really.

So to get it done is not unlike the feeling of getting a massive assignment or essay finished at university - the relief afterwards is the same - as is the questioning ie: Could I have done a better job? (!) That's why I had to email it off today as I was starting to examine every photo I had included and put myself in the position of birth families and wonder what they would think of when they looked at it. Which you of course partly have to do anyway - you do have to see things from the birth parents perspective and are encouraged to by the social workers.

I said to my husband that I thought we looked good - that our profile looks good and I'm happy with it. It is an honest account of who we are and the life we lead. It will be interesting to see what kind of feedback we get from our social worker.

Our profile ended up being 24 pages long - mainly because each new category - there were ten to write about starts on a new page. I cannot think of anything else to add so I guess it really is done!

I'm so pleased to have the profile finished though. I'm so rapt that we can wind up the year now knowing we have done our best as far as trying to add to our family goes. Good old-fashioned TTC didn't work, nor did fertility treatments or alternate methods (such as herbs, naturopaths and acupuncture) so we shall see what adoption holds in store for us.

I feel we have all the information we need, have allowed plenty of time to get our heads around open adoption (which is what social workers diplomatically encourage both birth families and adoptive parents to go for in this country), and are prepared in every way possible to be adoptive parents. I have been nesting even - especially at work - tying up loose ends just in case someone else may walk into my position sometime soon...

It does not feel like an unlikely scenario, even - that we could get picked as adoptive parents. In fact upon reading our profile, I cannot think but how can we not get chosen? Of course I'm biased and understand it's about what birth families are looking for matching what we have to offer. But I do feel we have a chance. I feel more hopeful about adoption working out for us than I ever did when TTC for our second child - even with fertility drugs and after an operation I just knew my time was up and that many of the things I tried were a big fat waste of time.

But if we don't get picked I know I will find peace with that outcome. Even getting this far - on the brink of submitting our profile into the pool has ended up being a huge healing process. Because adoption is just a maybe - there is a lot of letting go involved in the adoption process. I just feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A friend commented today that she could see a change in me. I guess to some it may be quite obvious as I feel quite different - I feel free.

Our daughter has been involved a bit with the profile. I think it's important she knows adoption could happen for us but I don't want it to be a big focus for our family once we are in the pool. I am looking forward to starting a new era in 2011.

It feels so great to get my life back again as it has been four long years of hoping to add to our family. I have some creative plans in the wings - in particular I am finally ready to start writing/editing the book I always said I would write about SIF which will be based on this blog. After putting our profile together with an index; I know the time has arrived. I'm painting again and am in an art class and am really enjoying just being in the moment. I have books to write and art to sell. I know 2011 will be about that. The second child business I have handed over to God. I've done my part. It's all up to Him now.

Triggered

We've just had family stay for four nights and I seem to be experiencing a bit of an emotional backlash. What seems to have come to the fore of late is that my family of origin stuff is very much intertwined with SIF. I always suspected I wanted to create the perfect family of four as a consequence of some childhood dysfunction. I am aware that there is a part of me that wants to compensate for the past - that the child within is still healing and craves a peaceful, stable and loving home life.

Perhaps the God of my understanding will just bless us as a family of three as adding another child to the mix would be a duplication of the family I grew up in - and maybe I'm not meant to recreate the past - perhaps I am just meant to have the family I have today as it stands. After having another child under our roof for four nights, it is obvious to me just how much I want to play "happy families" - so much as so I almost don't trust my own motives for wanting another child.

My parents separated when I was 24 and divorced a few months later. It was so long ago yet there is a part of me that still grieves my family - my family being altogether. All these years on and it still hurts that we (my family of origin) live in four different places within Australasia. It means we don't see each other much. It affects our daughter - she often asks if she can invite her cousins round. Obviously we have made a choice to live where we do - away from family on both sides. We did move once (to where we are now) to be closer to family but they moved away! I don't think I would risk moving for family again as people are pretty transient these days. Besides, it seems we are simply living where we are meant to be living.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment around exposure to a child who is in the midst of an unstable home-life. It breaks my heart. And of course reminds me of my own upbringing. I have shed tears for this child and there are more to come. Although I have accepted God's will of no more biological children and possibly no more children at all for our family; I do not understand why others who cannot seem to provide a child with it's basic needs are granted several children - one of life's mysteries. I suppose today I feel a gaping hole around my family of origin stuff. I envy families that are close both emotionally and in proximity. It makes so much sense why I wanted to add another child to the mix - to heal past wounds - to perhaps have a shot at saving myself and my sister by creating the kind of home-life we both craved.

I know it isn't the responsibility of course of another child to heal my wounds. But I suppose if we did get picked as adoptive parents then perhaps we - the child and I - would be able to heal each other partly. Adoption is an imperfect situation, I know that. It will not erase the pain from any of the parties involved in the adoption triad - the adopted child, adopted parents and birth parents all come with their own forms of loss to adoption. But it is a solution in lots of ways and no doubt each adoption is as unique as every birth.

I've made some progress with our profile. I will do some more work on it this week. I have most certainly been taking my time with it while tying up some loose ends at work. It is hard to believe that once we go into the pool of prospective adoptive parents that we will be at the end of our journey in many ways - it will be our last attempt at trying to add to our family. I am relieved that after this - finishing the profile and submitting it into the pool - there won't be anything else to do. I am looking forward to starting 2011 without adding to our family being our main focus. There will be no TTC, no fertility treatments/operations or an adoption process to go through - it will all be over. Finally!

At least in a months time or so this will all be over. We should be closer to being in the pool and closer to moving on with our lives. Really it will just be next year and the year after of quietly waiting in the background to see if we get picked as birth parents - and then that's it - we will be able to move on for once and for all if we don't get picked.

I want to start 2011 as SIF-free as possible - no more Dailystrength for starters. Plus I want to have some goals/things to look forward to. I plan to do the same the year after.

I feel the old me emerging a little these days though I know I have changed a hell of a lot because of SIF. I certainly have a new kind of compassion and am able to really reach out now when others face their own losses in life. All people want is to be heard and acknowledged in their grief. It is that simple. That was all I wanted and I really do not find it hard to understand that when others are faced with grief that they are feeling lost and alone like I did for such a long time.

Last week we had the IF support meeting here in town. Five of us turned up. It was a good meeting and great to see women connecting in the group. I was on the fence about continuing meetings next year but think I will hold bimonthly meetings with cafe meetings inbetween. I feel as though I wear two hats: the SIF one and a Mum hat. I still feel displaced and very much between infertility and motherhood. I don't seem to have a full membership to either club!

Trusting God

I guess the biggest change over the last couple of months or so for me has been about rediscovering God again. I mean this in a trusting God in my life kind of a way. I'm not a religious person. But I do have strong spiritual beliefs. I have been in recovery for 14 years and it was through recovery that I found my own version of a Higher Power.

However, during my SIF my faith was seriously challenged. Although I "talked" to God daily throughout my tough years of SIF: I didn't make the time to listen. It was too painful at the time to hear what He might have to say. So I turned away from God in a sense - without realising it.

Throughout SIF I mainly felt unsupported by those around me. I wanted my husband, family, friends - and other mothers - to "get" SIF. I was constantly let-down by the lack of empathy given during that time.

Yet I have learnt in recent times, that this whole SIF ordeal was between God and I. It really was an exercise in faith and trust yet I was unable to "hear" God. Instead I kept hoping that one day those in my circle would understand.

I can honestly say that because of the decision I made to walk away from SIF a couple of months back; I have found God in my life again. Not only that; my relationship with the God of my understanding is stronger than ever. I no longer feel empty. Some major healing has taken place - I no longer live and breathe SIF.

I trust in God's timing and do not feel compelled to complete our profile urgently. I feel I need to get through November work-wise (as the next few weeks are going to be busy) before divulging to my boss that we will be in the prospective adoptive parents pool once our profile has been written and approved by our social worker.

The funny thing is I seem to be going through a nesting phase at the moment. Is is as though I know I need and want to get a few things sorted before going into the pool.

With hindsight I have been able to see just how lost, lonely and in despair I was during those SIF days. I was a mess and it really was a hard thing to go through in the long-term. I do think I did the best I could at the time and that it was simply a process I had to go through - I had to go through my grieving patches and allow myself to move towards acceptance in my own time.

I was surprised to have AF arrive this week after an eight month absence. I was hoping I would have no visits from AF for 12 months so I could be deemed post-menopausal! It's a light bleed anyway - but it has reminded me of how AFs presence is connected to my femininity. Without a regular cycle I find I am still working out who I am as a woman.

Our daughter is struggling in some areas at school. I have found this so hard to see. I have had some big cries around her autism of late. I guess SIF and her ASD diagnosis all happened at the same time and I didn't actually grieve or process her diagnosis initially. Because I have worked with children with ASD and Aspergers; it wasn't a big shock at the time. But now that our daughter is older and feeling the affects of living with ASD; my heart breaks for her.

We are having a Halloween party tomorrow night. I am looking forward to having nine kids and 11 adults here. We are going trick n' treating (all rigged!) and are having a Halloween disco. It will be fun. I have just been in town getting some decorations. I feel more like "me" these days - as I do like to organise get-togethers and have fun. It feels like we are having a family celebration - kind of like coming out of a rough era with SIF and inviting people into our lives again.

Friends for a season

It feels as though I have finally moved into another chapter in my life - the post-SIF chapter. However I won't feel as if we have completely closed the door on SIF until our profile has been submitted. Hopefully we are just a few weeks away from going into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. I have starting writing our profile and purchased a clear file today which will contain our profile once it has been approved by our social worker. So we are getting there - slowly but surely.

It is with a bit of a sadness that I know it will be time for me to move on from Dailystrength around the time we have submitted our profile into the pool. Really once we're in the pool, life will carry on and there isn't much more to tell or much more to share from that point on. It feels as if the circle of women I have connected with over the last three years in the secondary infertility community through Dailystrength have slowly been granted their baby dreams one by one. Recently I downsized my friends online from twenty-something to seven. Many friends got pregnant and had their second children and left the group. Others just stopped all communication. In some cases it was me who stopped communicating. I think it will be a very long time before I will be able to hear detailed accounts of a woman's pregnancy. It is also painful to hear about siblings and how much a first child loves being a big brother or sister. I still have to apply self-preservation, even though I have healed a bit around SIF.

Out of this small group of friends left online; four of the women are pregnant and one has her adopted son on the way to her from Asia as we speak. I am soooooo pleased and happy for all of them. Honestly I am. Yet, I still don't know my fate. It's not kindergarten; I may not get a prize myself. God only knows how this will all turn out for me. It seems the natural thing to do now is to continue to do what I'm doing; to gently detach myself from my online habit.

I guess my blog and Dailystrength have been my coping mechanisms throughout SIF. When most of those in my circle in "real life" failed to understand just how deep secondary infertility cuts; my online outlets saved my life. I will forever be grateful for the support I have gained over the last three years from people reading my blogs and through reading other women's blogs and journals. Being heard and accepted when going through a great loss is paramount to healing.

As I walk further away from SIF, I cannot help but think that this painful episode in my life most will be oblivious to . It doesn't seem like something I can bring up anymore. It is very odd to have been through something so big, to have survived it and to now be recovering from it still very much on my own. I guess in the future if someone with SIF crosses my path; I will be able to lend a listening ear. Perhaps I am not meant to educate the world about SIF afterall. Perhaps it will be something that I will only share with others when the time is right.

My daughter had a hard week at school last week. Some teasing occurred around her autism. She was devastated and is still processing, at the age of five and a half, just exactly what it means to be autistic. It broke my heart to see her so downhearted. I have had a few cries - the first time I've actually cried around her autism in the two years since her diagnosis. We went through so much as a family for a few years there - the early days of dealing with our daughter's autism were particularly tough and we went through that while SIF consumed me for a good couple of years.

As we sat down at the kitchen table the other night, my husband and I, and gently explained autism (once again) to our daughter with the use of a social story, I couldn't help but wonder if one day we might be having a similar conversation with another child around adoption. No doubt that would be a heartbreaking moment too; watching an adopted child come to terms with being adopted.

I guess after all I've been through over the last few years I have certainly learnt that life isn't perfect, that not all dreams come true and that great losses can just about break a person. Yet I know that it is possible to move on and to make a new start and to even find new dreams again. I'm in the process of allowing the space of letting go of the old so the new can come in.

Today I bought a 2011 diary. The next three months are busy ones - we have a few visitors coming to visit and there's a few things on. Every Christmas for the last four years I have hoped to either be pregnant or to have a baby in my arms. I don't want to do that to myself this Christmas. To move forward I have to continue to let go of the grief I have lived with for a while. I can feel my energy changing as I embrace life as it is today instead of pining for lost dreams.

Every time I log into Dailystrength I feel triggered. I was pretty depressed over the years from time to time and I am reminded of how I used to feel when I go into Dailystrength. I also see the status updates of those whose baby dreams came true and that only reminds me of what didn't happen for me. It takes me out of my present and back into the past - to a dream that wasn't meant to be and I don't think that's good for me. So I guess I made some friends for a season in Dailystrength. We supported each other during an incredibly tough time yet we are all dispersing as the wind changes. I know I will miss these connections I have made online but at the same time, I can see already that my connections in "real life" are improving as I am slowly coming out of hiding. I am reentering the world again, living my life instead of hiding in cyberspace. It feels good but it is hard changing my ways. I am not good at letting go - of anything really. But I'm sticking close to God these days, talking to Him more and journalling for me. It seems God and I have been doing some healing together.

Letting Go

Whenever it was, a few weeks or a few months back; I made a conscious decision to move on from SIF. I guess as I approached four years of hoping to add to our family I realised I wanted my life back again. God only knows how much of my time and energy was consumed by SIF over that four year period of time.

It's funny when you have the willingness to change, to accept things as they stand and to stop pushing and hoping for life to go the way you had planned; that peace has the opportunity to seep in. I have learnt so much from this chapter in my life and am still learning. The obvious lesson has been about living with loss and life throwing the unexpected at you. I seem to know a lot of women who have been widowed this year. I just have a lot more empathy and sympathy for them than what I would have, had I not been through SIF. Sure, losing a husband probably doesn't compare to losing the ability to have another child. But there are parallels.

I did get quite triggered post our recent family trip up to Wellington. I guess a bit of family of origin stuff came up. But it turned out that it was an opportunity to filter through another layer of stuff. It certainly cemented for me that Nelson is where we are meant to be living right now.

Over the last few months members of my antenatal class have come into my life again. I'm good friends with one of the women from antenatal class and she is the only one I have kept in regular contact with throughout SIF. Another one works at the same college (high-school) as me. But I haven't seen the others for ages. I used to be the one who organised coffee groups. A couple of women have turned up at the gym I go to and three others also have daughters in the same ballet class as my daughter. Most of these Mums do have two children. I pretty much let go of the group when it was obvious I was infertile. But now these women have reappeared in my life. It as though God feels I am ready to be exposed to the circle of Mums again out there that I used to be part of.

We are planning a Halloween BBQ. We have invited around eight/nine families. Some are new families that I've met through my daughter's school. It feels good to be organising a get-together like this as it is something I have always done - brought people together. Fancy dress will be compulsory for adults and children so it should be fun!

I've enrolled in an art class starting November 1st. I did an art class (for the first time) maybe two years ago and ended up selling some paintings (for children's bedrooms) at a few markets one Summer. A work colleague/friend who is very creative has suggested we have a stall at a market January 2nd which I'm keen to do.

As for writing our profile (for the pool for prospective adoptive parents) - I haven't done a thing! A lot of it will be cutting and pasting from some of the paperwork we submitted during the adoption process. I hope to make a start this weekend. I'm not in a big rush to get it done/don't feel any pressure even though I know I will feel hugely relieved when we are finally in the pool. Perhaps I have more faith and trust in God at the moment - it certainly is not urgent that we get it done. There are a few things I want to get sorted at work before revealing to my boss that we are in the pool. I guess I need to tie up some loose ends over the next few weeks.

So by the time I get our profile written and submitted it will no doubt be two years of going through the whole adoption process. We haven't rushed things - we have taken our time. Soooo much has gone on over the last two years. We needed to take our time to deal with things and to get ourselves sorted in some areas.

Last weekend I organised a cafe get-together for the IF support group I started as it has been running for a year. It was good and nice to do something informal. I felt as if I really bonded with the women outside of the structured meetings we usually have. I would like to continue meetings in 2011 but perhaps we will have bimonthly ones with a cafe meeting inbetween. I guess I will just see how things go.

It has been really good for me detaching more from Dailystrength - my online SIF support group. I let go of several "friends" there a few weeks back. I now have half a dozen or so friends and most don't check in much themselves. I guess eventually it will be time to move on from Dailystrength. It is taking a while to wean myself out of there as I have used it as a form of support for close to three years!

But letting go of my online support has caused me to be more present in my daily life. I don't tend to go online in the weekends now which means I get more done around the house! I don't necessarily mean housework either - just general sorting out stuff. I guess my loose plan is to sign off from Dailystrength by the end of the year. I want 2011 to not be about SIF at all. It will be a new life. I feel it coming - however it all turns out.

Rebuilding Me

Going away for a week with my wee family to my hometown was interesting. For the most part it was a good trip away and we did a few things in Wellington such as going to Te Papa (interactive museum) and the zoo and walking around the wharf. We also went to Palmerston North for a night which is two hours from Wellington to catch up with some good friends.

Being in Wellington, where I was born and raised bought up lots of memories .I also lived in Palmerston North twice - once as a university student in the late 80s and ten years later as an aspiring graphic designer. It is also where I met my husband - we worked at the same place - and where I adopted my cat who is now 10 years old.

We have lived in Nelson for nine years now and have very much established it as home. My husband is also from the North Island so between the two of us we have a lot of history in the North Island - also our friends and family live there.

But trekking around spots I used to hang out in and seeing friends I haven't seen for a while reminded me of the various incarnations I've had in life. I got and still feel quite triggered a day after getting back around the fact that I have lost a lot of my inner-zing and vitality because of SIF. That makes me sad. I was always the adventurous, fun-loving friend who had several projects and goals on the go. I know I'm older now; but I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. Life has become so very, very small and I have been in survival mode - simply treading water - for quite some time.

There were some friends we caught up with that I haven't seen for over two years. One friend I only saw for an hour so I just didn't go there around SIF or adoption. This friend has three children under seven. Although I wasn't jealous; I felt worlds apart from her because of all I've been through emotionally around SIF. It is strange to see a friend with the dream you had hoped for for a long time while wondering what God has in store for you.

I guess I was mainly struck with how broken I felt as we reconnected with friends and family in the North Island. I'm not bitter anymore. There is just a big empty hole where a very special dream once lived. I really want to move on and rebuild the broken parts of me but I know it's going to take time. Also I know the reality could be I may just have to somehow live with this loss and integrate it into this new life - this alternative life that is slowly evolving.

I will make a start on our profile soon. I wish I felt more excited about it than I do. I saw the movie "Mother and Child" with my Mum in Wellington which is ironically about adoption. I had tears streaming down my face in a scene when an adoption falls through - it was just a little close to the bone!

This Sunday I have organised a get-together at a cafe for the IF support group I started as it has now been running a year! I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone in an informal setting.

I am in a bit of a wierd space. I guess I feel I have moved on from SIF as best as I can yet I still have a lot of healing to do. It takes a long time to rebuild a life after going through a major loss. I still haven't accepted my premature menopause fate either. I found I felt embarrassed when we were away catching up with some friends we hadn't seen for a while as I've put on some weight and it is purely hormonal. I eat well and exercise - I cannot control my weight now and that does upset me as I usually have quite a good figure. I'm not overally fat though - just bloated - particularly around my abs and it is uncomfortable not to mention unflattering in a lot of clothes I wear. I'm in the process of having to change my style because of my changed body shape - I'm still working out what looks and feels good.

I feel I am having to rediscover who I am in mind, body and soul post-SIF and post-menopause. There are still more tears to come; still some more acceptance to find. I miss the old me pre-SIF yet I know I have changed and it might take a while to make friends with the new me again.

Let Go and Let God

I've had a good week. I made a decision to let go of the whole SIF deal recently - to start moving on from it and that decision has paid off. I have changed a few things in my week such as only turning on my computer twice a week and therefore only logging into Dailystrength once or twice a week. I've had two whole weekends without turning the computer on and although it was a challenge initially (as it has been a habit for so long; particularly logging into Dailystrength); I pushed through and got past it. I even enjoyed myself these last two weekends - more than I have for a long time without feeling the burden of SIF.

There have been painful moments over the last few weeks. The grief of not being able to have another biological child comes up frequently - and the uncertainty as to whether we will become adoptive parents can linger. But whenever my pain or fears come up, I pray to God - I hand it back to him and even visualise myself kissing my newborn swathed in a white blanket before handing my baby back to God. Sometimes I do this several times a day.

We got a letter last week saying that we have officially been accepted as prospective adoptive parents! Finally! It good news but I am totally handing the outcome over to God. All we can do is complete our profile, submit it and then the rest is up to God. And I feel okay with that. For four long years I prayed and prayed that a baby would come our way. I just can't live like that anymore. Life has to carry on as it exists today - and if an adopted baby comes our way - it will be amazing. But in the meantime I no longer want to live a life that feels incomplete. I want me and I want my family to heal from this horrendous SIF chapter we've been through.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and some healing has been going on. For so long I was disappointed that those close to me never got SIF. I tried so hard to get friends and family to understand. But they didn't. They couldn't. Today I accept that. The healing I continue to need to do to keep moving on from SIF is between myself and God and nobody else. The pain is actually subsiding. I believe I held on tightly to the pain and grief of SIF for so long because I thought if I didn't no one would get just how much I wanted another biological child - and how hurt I was that it didn't happen. But I don't need to live in my grief anymore. I can be happy in spite of living with a lost dream.

There have been some moments over the last week or so when I could have piped up about SIF but didn't. My daughter likes playing in the playground after school and often it is the same Mums in the playground each day. So there is the usual chit-chat. I've listened to Mums of Three (MOTH) exchanging sibling stories. One MOTH told me the honeymoon was over with her third child who is now three months old. If only she knew, I thought to myself. But I didn't bring up SIF. I know she and probably all the school Mums assume I only ever wanted one child. In some ways I wish I could wear a badge that said "I wanted more children but can't have them". In other ways, I know I have to stop painting myself as a victim of secondary infertility if I want to keep moving forward. So I listen to these Mums and remain silent, while handing my baby wrapped in a white cloth back to God. If ever it seemed appropriate and relevant I would bring up SIF. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand, even though I feel triggered.

As a result of me turning on my computer less I have been much more present as a Mum - and as a wife. We had some great family moments this weekend - swimming at the pool together, scrabble, bingo and riding our bikes up and down the driveway. My daughter had a ball having so much fun with her parents. I never want her to feel like she wasn't enough for me - like the child who is left behind when a sibling dies. I think there is some very important family healing going on right now.

We are going on holiday for a week this Thursday - to Wellington, my hometown. So I will leave starting our profile for the prospective adoptive parents pool until we get back. I have to say I have been saddened by some of the reactions from family around our latest adoption news - it all becoming official. My Mum isn't excited at all and said she wondered how our daughter would cope with that (if we got an adopted child). In the next breath she talked about two of her friends whose daughters had their second children last week. Their news is exciting but mine isn't. That hurts. I have a sinking feeling that if we get picked as adoptive parents, it might take a while for some of my family to warm to the idea. I am realistic. I know that if it happens, some SIF grief will undoubedtly resurface. I can only but imagine that being picked as adoptive parents would be a bittersweet moment - mainly joyous, I'm sure - but family reactions for example will no doubt dampen things. I guess I can mentally prepare myself somewhat for the kind of reaction I expect we'll get.

For now I will keep focusing on me and my family as it stands today. I am starting to trust God again, even if He doesn't deliver every dream that I want. Life can be good again. I will recover from this disappointment. I know three women who have become widows this year - one is in her late 40s and one in her early 50s. All three women nursed their sick husbands for months. How devastating. If they can survive a loss like that then can I not only survive - I can recover from SIF. I do feel blessed in many areas of my life. I think of all the women in my IF support group who have no children. I've had five and a half years of motherhood. I'm very lucky. I heard these lyrics to a song recently: Today the sky is blue. Today no-one is crying. Seems very apt for where I'm at. I'm seeing the cup as half-full again.

Acceptance

Wow the last week has been an interesting one. I made a decision to really make an effort to move on from SIF/the adoption process/the last four years a week or so ago. It was a hard decision to make on some level as I felt as though by letting go of my pain and grief around having another child - I was showing myself and the world that I had moved on. But I needed to start moving on as four years was too long to live in limbo. Way too long. We still haven't received a confirmation letter from Adoption Services saying we are officially in the pool for prospective adoptive parents even though we got the unofficial ok four weeks ago. Obviously adoption could happen for us but I'm at a point where I have to live my life as it stands today - with or without another child. So I truly am in a phase of moving on and letting go of a desire, a dream that I have lived and breathed for four years.

It hasn't been easy logging into Dailystrength in particular a little less. But at the same time, I know I have outgrown the SIF support group there. I have a handful of friends that I cherish and will continue to keep in contact with. However it seems right now I do need to focus on me and give myself the time and space to heal.

I have been talking and praying to God a lot. Begging almost to be freed from the pain and grief that has almost defined me for so long. By sitting in my pain and not expecting others to take it away; I have somehow been slowly moving through it. It has taken me a long time to accept that my husband, family of origin and close friends cannot help me heal from SIF. Sure, contact with women who have been there helps - mainly through my online friends. But at the end of the day, it is God and only God who can heal me.

I've had some cringe-worthy SIF moments over the last week or so. Casual accouncements of second children being born - that kind of thing. My daughter continues to ask about a sibling regularly. It is hard. Especially because she's interested in the birds and the bees and now knows my eggs "don't work."

We had a parent-teacher interview this week and it went mainly well but when we had an appointment with the special needs coordinator a reference was made to how my daughter is my one and only while I was indirectly labelled as an anxious and over-protective Mum - of a child with high-functioning autism. I was angry about this perception of myself for days - and still am - but can't do much about it. It annoys me that just because I am a Mum of One I am seen in a certain light. I know Mums of many with autistic kids who would act exactly as I do...

I have actually been journalling privately off-line the old-fashioned way with pen and paper which has been good over the last week. I have journalled for years and stopped doing so when I started this blog almost three years ago. It feels good to get back into journalling just for me again. I have had some awarenesses come up over the last week as a result of giving myself some time and space to heal - a realisation just how deep the wounds still are at having lived with alcoholism in my family of origin and how there is still some hurt around my family splitting through divorce, even though I was twenty-five at the time. I know that I part of my desire for a second child was about recreating my childhood family. I cannot expect an adopted child to heal my childhood and SIF wounds. That really is quite unfair. I also have a lot of remorse for all the absent emotional times I've had with my daughter as a parent going through SIF. That makes me so very sad. But I'm trying to make it up to my daughter - and myself - by being more present in her life now. I know I was the best mother I could be throughout my SIF experience but she didn't deserve to be affected by my pain and grief. I guess it is something we can talk about when she is older.

There is a lot to face and accept as I move on. I feel relieved to finally be moving out of this painful chapter in my life. I'm ready. It is like saying goodbye to the secondary infertility world I have created over the last few years. I'm not sure what will replace this gap that exists as I let go of this chapter - but I know that God will continue to guide me to the next thing.

Moving On

I've kept in close contact with the God of my understanding over the past week. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life and will do whatever it takes to get there. I have finally started to let go of whether or not we will become parents for the second time. In fact, I am acting as if we will remain a family of three and am just being open to what might come our way in place of this long-wanted dream.

As painful as it is to hold on to a lost dream - it is also painful to let go. So it hasn't been an easy decision to make but something I need to do for my own sanity and well-being. So I have been praying to God daily, in particular using The Serenity Prayer and the first three of the twelve steps; to find some peace in my life again - as in long-lasting peace - not the scraps of peace I have lived with for so long.

I have been amazed that by just having the willingness to let go of this dream I had for so long - to have another biological child - that I have found a new sense of freedom. I got some results back earlier this week from my Dr that unofficially I am in fact in early menopause. I can't officially have a diagnosis until I've had no periods for a year. But my FSH levels were at 97 - the highest they have ever been and the other blood tests confirmed hormonally I am in fact post-menopausal. Which is in fact how I feel - as if I have been through menopause - not that I am going through it. My Dr recommended I have a bone density test within the year since women going through early menopause are at higher risk of oestoporosis.

Admittedly at first I had a lot of anger after my Dr's phone-call. In my heart I believe I have POF - premature ovarian diagnosis - which is basically early menopause for under 40s. But the specialists along the way have been so slack at monitoring my hormonal levels that I've never been diagnosed with POF. For a couple of days I was angry with all the specialists I have seen over the last almost four years who haven't picked up that I have POF. I believe this could have been figured out over three years ago when my cycles were obviously erratic and ovulation wasn't a regular occurence. I researched heaps on the internet and self-diagnosed myself a long time ago. I just wanted to be told from a medical professional what was going on. Even though I unofficially have a diagnosis - I do feel pissed off that I never had a diplomatic consult around it where I was seated down with a man or woman in a white coat who gently told me I had POF and I would therefore never be able to conceive again. I guess that was my fantasy way of receiving unbearable news! Instead I've had to piece my history together alone, mostly unsupported all this time. It has been very hard.

But, as I turn a corner and start to truly let go of all the pain that has been for the last almost four years; I find I cannot be angry or resentful or jealous anymore. I have been consumed with those feelings for years and I am well sick of feeling that way. So I'm finding a new way to live with my fate - which wasn't the path I wanted to do down - but it is the one I am on - so I'm choosing to accept it as best as I can.

I have been thinking of how much time and energy I have spent trying to get by and get through SIF/post-SIF and recently, the adoption process. Well I've had enough! I want my life back and the only way I know how to do that is by letting go.

We still haven't received the official letter that we are in the prospective adoptive parents pool even though we were unoffically told three weeks ago that we had been accepted. I'm done with waiting for things to happen. I will just look forward to getting our profile done in the near future so we can be done and dusted with the whole adoption process.

As I've opened my heart up of late I've found some of the Mums of Two, or Three or more have come back into my life again. I have seen four of the Mums from my antenatal class around over the last few weeks. I was the one who used to organise our coffee group but stopped once our children started Kindy and in particular - when the majority had their second children and I no longer felt comfortable around them. Yet they have reappeared in my life lately - at the gym and some are taking their girls to the same ballet class I started my daughter in yesterday. And it has been good to see them again. On some level I have missed having a group of mothers to connect with. I have friends who are Mums that I see individually. But as my daughter has gotten older, I have lost the network of mothers I had when she was under three.

I never did make it across the road to see the Mum of Three - whose baby is now three months old. But I see her around as our daughters are at the same school. She also wants to start her daughter in ballet. I told her I could always take her daughter as well to ballet as she was worried about having to look after her two other children while ballet was on. I meant it when I said it and it was a genuine offer. Perhaps I am ready to mingle amongst the Mums of Many again. Never did I think I would see the day!

This afternoon I watched my daughter perform in an outdoor dance display with all of the junior school. I was sandwiched between several Mums of Two I know, who were bouncing babies on their knees. I guess it will be some time before moments like that don't hurt. But I am sick of hiding and isolating; and perhaps part of leaving behind SIF means facing situations like this head on. I had a little hold of one of the babies while one of the Mums took photos of one of her other children in the concert. It was a bittersweet moment for me.

I feel as though I need to go underground somewhat - to perhaps disconnect a little from the internet and talking about SIF and adoption. I will be around of course - but in order to move on I have to let go a bit more of my online support groups. I have said this before and still end up blogging most weeks! But over the years my frequency online has slowly lessened. There was a time when I was online several times a day as I found it so hard to live with all my pain and grief. I'm at a point where I think daily contact isn't good for me. It isn't easy to change a lifestyle and for so long my lifestyle has been living and breathing SIF. But that isn't who I am anymore. I am moving to greener pastures - (I hope!) - I just have to make the time and space to get there instead of holding myself back my talking about what might have been and what I wished I had. There is only so long I can flog a dead horse!

I cannot change the past and the fact I am one hundred percent infertile. There is nothing I can do about it. I've been through some big things in my life pre-SIF and I survived. I know I will survive SIF as well. I want to live my life as fully and as joyfully as possible. If I have to do this without the second child of my dreams; then I will be okay.

Wasted Days

I think I am finally at the point where if God does not want me to become a mother for the second time; then so be it - I will find something else to do with my life. It has taken me a looooong time to get to this place, so I most certainly do not say this lightly! But I am ready - ready for the next thing if God has an alternative plan for me.

It has been over two weeks since we were told by our social worker that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I have been checking the letter box ever since waiting for the official letter to say we are in the pool so we can start putting our profile together.

I am so ready for the next step - to write our profile and to give it our best shot and just to leave the rest to God. I'm done with trying to make this happen in my life - have another child. It has been almost four years of it and I am burned out. I had coffee with a friend today and said to her this whole experience has been like surviving a huge earthquake except now I'm living with the aftershocks. It is going to take me a while to heal from SIF/the adoption process - little ripples - and sometimes big ripples of grief have come up as we've moved through the adoption process. But I do think once we are in the "pool"; then I will truly be able to start moving on and living life as it is today.

I really have had enough of pouring all my time and energy into adding to our family. It has felt like such a big waste of time. Sure, maybe we will get picked by a birth family and if that happens no doubt I will be saying it was all worth it. But at this point in time, the whole thing just feels pretty old.

I am aware of how there is a big gap in my life where another baby was meant to be. Now that I am letting go of that perhaps not happening for us; the gap is more obvious. I'm not sure what I am meant to fill it with if we remain a family of three. For a while now I've attempted to use my spare time - the time I had hoped would have been for raising our second child - for my creative pursuits. But I'm not there yet. I am still healing. I seem to need a lot of downtime and time to just "be." We talked a bit more seriously about getting a dog last week - but I'm not sure it's the right time. But a dog is a possibility. I do think it would help us a family to heal from SIF. I've been aware of how sugar has sneaked back into my diet over the last few months and how I have in affect been comfort-eating during the adoption process. So I'm on a sugar detox right now as the sugar has been affecting me in mind, body and soul.

I accept that for now I will feel a bit lost as we linger on the last step of the adoption process - waiting to get the green light so we can put our profile together. I'm just ready to surrender - to let God sort this one out. All I can do is live each day as it comes and apply as much self-care and self-love as I can.

I went to the Dr today about the swollen glands I've had for a few days and mentioned how I still don't have the " closure letter" I've been waiting for from the infertility specialist I saw over six months ago! I have called a few times over the last few months but the specialist I saw has left and I guess nobody else is in a hurry to write the letter in his place. So I said to my Dr today that it was obvious I was in early menopause - as I haven't had a period in seven months and have had several bouts of no periods for six months at a time and just said I wanted some medical evidence. So she sent me off for some blood tests and I will get the results next week. There is still a part of me that wants a medical confirmation that what has gone on over the last few years (POF/early menopause) isn't in my head!!

I bumped into a Mum of Two from my former antenatal class at the gym today. She asked about the IF group I started and I updated her around where we are at with the adoption process. I was honest around how difficult aspects of the process are. She listened. It was good to be honest with a Mum of Two that I have envied - and no doubt still do a bit.

I am trying to keep an open mind and trust in the God of my understanding. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Magic happens." I think magic does happen - but obviously dreams don't always come true or perhaps they end up looking quite different to what we might have hoped. I also saw a calendar in a shop yesterday that was all about having a Plan B! I'm opening my heart and mind to the next thing - whatever it is. Someone from my IF group phoned earlier today and commented that I sounded like I was finding peace around my situation. Perhaps I am. I do talk to God and my unborn child a lot these days - asking them to help me to move on if my family is in fact complete.

My daughter moved up a class two weeks ago. She now has two afternoons a week in a room with a couple of other kids with ASD. This has meant I no longer really need to pull her out of school when she is overloaded, though I will always keep her home for the odd mental health day here and there. Although my daughter has been at school for almost six months, I find I am still adjusting to being a Mum of a school-age child. I do still feel the empty-nest syndrome most weeks when I have my two days off a week. I miss her. I miss having my "baby" at home. Ironically my Dr today, another Mum of two, shed some tears when I mentioned my daughter had moved on from her new entrant class! (She said she was premenstrual!). My Dr's children are at the same school and are older and my Dr was just having a moment! I guess many Mums feel the apron-strings loosening every time their child or children move up a class or reach another milestone. So no wonder those of us who want more children and perhaps won't have any more struggle with letting our only-children go.

At this point in time I don't know what God's Will is for me. But I don't want to spend the next two years in the pool for prospective adoptive parents hoping and waiting. I want to go into that pool next month (if it happens by then) feeling as though we've done everything we could thinking what will be, will be. I'm tired of pushing for things to go my way only to get the cold shoulder from God! If God doesn't want this for me (another child); then so be it. I just keep praying that I will be set free from this standstill soon that I have been in for a very long time. I do have some creative dreams in the pipeline. But it seems I can't move on to the next thing - if it ends up being about focusing on some creative goals - until we are in the pool. So just a few more weeks hopefully of limbolandness. After that, I really want to close the door on SIF and the adoption process as much as we possibly can. My time here is almost done!!

A lot to digest

I would say moving from Plan A to Plan B is big for many women when it comes to creating their families. Unless an alternative way to add to one's family was worked out before trying for a biological child; I cannot see how anyone in this position wouldn't be faced with a huge amount of emotional garbage to work through.

Yet, this is not often a stage that is supported or even talked about much within even the SIF communities. For starters - it is still rare to find women who actually cannot conceive again ever. My experience over the last almost three years of being part of an online community is that eventually, most women do conceive. It really is such a different kettle of fish when a woman is either given a diagnosis or a reason for SIF as opposed to just taking a lot longer to conceive and maybe needing some intervention to get pregnant. I most certainly do think the women who eventually get pregnant with a biological child and have to endure years of SIF have been through their own hell. I do think that - one hundred percent. But they don't have to go on to reconcil a loss of a dream like the women who cannot conceive again do.

I am surprised by the lack of support both online and professionally around women moving on to add to their families through an alternate method. Moving through the adoption process, I have felt pressured to be healed from SIF, even though going through the process has triggered me relentlessly and has caused me to have to face the cold, hard facts: another biological child isn't coming our way.

Because we are opting for open adoption, which also comes with some pressure by the way, we are forced to accept the fact that our potential adopted child will have another family who will be in it's life. How frequently and what that contact will look will be determined by ourselves and a birth family - if we are picked. But my husband and I both feel at this point that open adoption feels like long-term fostering. We understand and agree with many of the reasons for encouraging and setting up an open adoption - but those decisions mean letting go of some elements of parenting a child that is biologically yours or a child that is exclusively yours. It is not an easy thing to get your head around. It hasn't been for me, anyway.

I have been reading through the notes we were given last year around adoption. They are pretty sobering - all the facts and figures around the issues an adopted child may have. There have been times over the last week or two where I've questioned if adoption is the right thing for us. But I guess only God in the end can and will decide if it is the right path for us.

I've also had to accept that adoption will be with us as a family for life. It is not like the old days when the baby was passed over and that was that - life just carried on - until the adopted child perhaps got curious about it's birth family. But with open adoption everyone in the adoption triad - birth family, prospective adoptive parents and adopted child come to the party with heartache. Sure, we are able to heal each other somewhat, but the cracks that are adoption will always be there. For all in the triad there will be times in life when adoption is more of a deal - and less of a deal. But it will always be part of us if it happens - part of our family. Our lives will be different to that of the average family with adoption in the equation. Some days it feels as if we will be taking on a lot.

We are still waiting for our official letter to say that we have been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Once that arrives then we can start putting our profile together. We should be in the pool by the end of October. I am tidying up a few loose ends at work "just in case". If I have to leave my job suddenly then I want everything to be sorted and ready for my replacement.

We have been considering adopting a dog! There is a huge gap in our family and I think a dog would be good for all of us. So we will see what happens. I don't want to rush out and get a band-aid dog so have been sitting on the fence about this one.

An intruder came into our home on Saturday afternoon when we were all home. It was a young guy on drugs. The police came fast and took him away which was good. We are all a bit freaked but it has helped me get SIF/the adoption process in perspective. There was also a major earthquake here in New Zealand this weekend just five hours from us. No-one was killed but there was lots of damage. Life feels a bit vulernable right now. More than ever I want to enjoy what I have - and to live for the day.

Loss

It has been a hard week. I have had a big emotional backlash after our last appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services. So much has come up and I am trying to get my head around what it is exactly that is gnawing at me.

We got a booklet when we went to the Education and Preparation programme last year and I have been reading it the last few nights. It has helped me make sense somewhat of the mix of feelings that are up there right now. I found a reading about Loss which seems to be central to where I'm at. The article listed seven kinds of losses that an adopted child will live with, that adoptive parents need to be aware of. The article talked about working through losses before gains can be made. I so desperately want to move forward so I am going to give it a go.

This is how loss has looked for me/is because I cannot conceive another child:

* I have lost a big part of my identity as a woman going through early menopause which caused my SIF. I lost my right ovary due to ovarian torsion when my daughter arrived almost five and a half years ago. The menopausal symptons which came with having my ovary removed have affected my sexuality, my femininity and who I am now that I cannot conceive, and don't have periods. I cannot use my breasts to feed another child. My uterus is - useless. I have these womanly body parts that are kind of just - there. I also have a new body shape that has come with this change that I am adjusting to. It is taking me a while to accept my bloated abs!

* I have lost my self-esteem. Not being able to conceive again and dealing with the grief that comes with that has impacted my life greatly and how I see myself. I don't feel whole - I feel incredibly empty a lot of the time. I am a WIP in rebuilding myself up again.

* I have lost relationships either permanently or they have altered - there are few relationships I have that haven't been affected by me going through SIF/early menopause and now the adoption process. I've had to apply self-preservation a lot of time, having to carefully consider who is safe to disclose parts of my journey too. Sometimes my friends online are all I have as far as been able to connect to others who have either been there or are going through the same thing. Most of the time I just share bits and pieces with those in my support network. Invariably this often doesn't feel like enough but it seems SIF/the adoption process is something a woman must mainly go through alone.

* I have lost time with the family I have. This breaks my heart the most. I have tried to be the best mother possible but there is no denying that over the last almost four years I have had struggled with being present as a mother as I've dealt with my stuff. The same goes with my husband - our marriage has been impacted because of how big a loss this has all been to me. It is taking/will take time for us all to heal from SIF.

* I have lost time. The emotional processing is both exhausting and time-consuming. Although I have periods of time of feeling connected in my life - there are often times when the emotional side of things take over and I am unable to be as involved in my life as I'd like to be. I want to be further on from all this than I am but it's a big loss in my life and it will take as long as it takes to deal with it.

* I have lost direction. Losing a dream has caused me to question my whole life. Although I have a relationship with God, there are times when the not-knowing (especially for such a long period of time) has caused me to feel incredibly lost.

* I have lost God. Losing faith makes life feel so meaningless. There are times when the faith is there - but when it isn't - I feel as though I am at a complete standstill or go around in circles while been challenged by God's Will. I still do not understand how a desire doesn't always translate to a dream coming true. I have been angry and resentful towards God off and on for not granting me my wish!

* I have lost hope. I'm not sure I ever thought life was a fairytale. But until now I used to believe that everything works out in the end, no matter what life throws at you. Now I'm having to rethink my philosophies in life. Tragedy strikes in all of our lives at some point. Some tragedies are harder than others to reconcil. But it is hard to imagine life without grief in it right now. I've moved on from other personal crisis in my life, but this particular crisis feels like it will be with me for a long time.

* I have lost my place as a mother and as a woman. Secondary infertility is often described as been part-way between being part of the fertile world and the infertile world. I have a ticket to both worlds but neither really fit. I haven't felt comfortable around growing and completed families for some time now so have stepped away from many of my previous Mum connections. Although I have started an infertility support group, it is women with primary infertility who mainly attend and in that context, I can never completely be myself. Even with friends who have been through primary infertility or are going through it; there is an unspoken rift, no matter how close the friendship. Friends without children by choice have no comprehension of what SIF is all about so although there is the safety of no kids in tow with these friends; they are oblivious to my angst. It is hard to find women with SIF in real life - I haven't found a woman on the exact same path as me in my daily life and that causes me to feel incredibly alone at times.

* I have lost my sense of fun. Pre-SIF my life was filled with lighter moments in life. The last almost four years has added a heavy tone and seriousness to my life which is hard to turnaround. There are moments of peace, times of lightness - but my grief is tied to me always, no matter how positive and ok I am with my life as it stands at any given time. If this is the new me I'm afraid I will bore myself - if I haven't already (!) with the intensity that has come with hoping to add to our family.

* I have lost the dream of two biological children. Of course this is the obvious one. But so much falls under this umbrella - especially when looking at adoption as an option.
- There is the loss of two children being biologically linked/a family being biologically connected - The loss of physical and genetic similarities.
- The loss of rights as exclusive parents when looking into open adoption.
- The loss of a simple, straight-forward nuclear family.
- The loss of privacy - if we adopt; it will be obvious to many who know us well and not so well.

* The loss of pregnancy/childbirth and breastfeeding - This was such a big chapter around bonding/connecting with my daughter. I know I will miss these things if we get to adopt. Especially meeting a potential adopted child for the first time - "taking" a baby off it's mother, despite the fact she has consented, still feels like an awful and selfish thing to be hoping to do!

* The loss of some of our potential adopted child's life - another biggee. This is about history/time itself - it will probably be a few weeks that our potential adopted child will be living either with it's birth family or in foster care. Or the child might be older in which case there could be months or years that we have not a lot of insight into. There is no lead-up without a pregnancy to plan and get excitied - no time to paint a nursery or go shopping for baby clothes. If it happens it will be sudden (probably a few weeks notice - though maybe even days) and it will be a bit of a whirlwind.

I'm sure there's more stuff going on for me around this theme, but it does help to start the ball rolling and to start writing about it.

The infertility support group was on last night. There were just three of us. It was a good meeting but the numbers have been low the last couple of meetings so I am going to create and send out a questionnaire to see if we perhaps don't need to meet so frequently (monthly) if the interest isn't there. The meetings would have been running for a year next month. I value the meetings but the IF vs SIF dynamic does make it tricky and I often feel guilty, even within a meeting (which is meant to be my safe place), for being a Mum of One.

My daughter has been asking daily about adopting lately. In particular "What happens if we can't adopt? " Or words to that effect. I just say that we have to hope - we have to wait and see. Poor thing - she really looks quite upset at times around what must feel like a complicated way to hope to add to our family. I never do the doom and gloom thing with her. I try to be as upbeat as possible wheenver it comes up. She has said this week that a brother is okay too now - up until this point it was always a sister that she wanted!

If it isn't meant to be

If it isn't meant to be
Then why God do you tease me so
Showing me completed families
Everywhere I go

If it isn't meant to be
Then why does my heart break
It's been almost four years
That's a very long time to wait

If it isn't meant to be
Why is this desire in my being
It really would be so much easier
Not to live in the in-between

If it isn't meant to be
Then I wish you would let me go
Show me a different dream
Because I've got nowhere else to go

If it isn't meant to be
Then please set me free
My daughter wants a sister
She's been waiting forever it seems

If it isn't meant to be
I wish you'd tell me soon
I've had enough of waiting
I want to sing another tune

If it isn't meant to be
Then this all feels like a waste of time
Another child was all I wanted
A little person to call mine

In My Head

Post last appointment with our social worker in regards to the adoption process; I have been doing a lot of processing. I guess every step brings us one step closer to an ending. I feel as though my head is in adoption-overload right now and I can't seem to switch it off. It no doubt hasn't helped that I have been into the Adoption forum in Dailystrength. I joined some time ago but don't go in there much as the vibe is often a bit fraught with hurt from all sides of the adoption triad. But I've been in the last two days and all it's done is increase my anxieties around open adoption.

My husband and I have pretty much worked out our "contact plan" - which is something that is worked out by prospective adoptive parents and is added to individual profiles so birth families can get a sense of how an open adoption might look with any given family. I thought ours was quite generous, yet our social worker hinted that we should be a bit more flexible within our profile, just so birth families know there is room to move if that is desired or appropriate further down the line.

It is taking me a long time to get my head around open adoption. I will admit that. To find out that if we get picked, it will most likely be by a birth family in the same town was a bit of a shock this week. We live in a town of 40,000. Surely we are going to end up bumping into the birth family. I know we are going for an open adoption but it just feels a bit uncomfortable at the moment - having to envisage a birth family in our lives - and being in contact when arranged but perhaps sometimes when not arranged if we are living in the same town. We are quite a private, quiet family in lots of ways with family living out of town. It is hard to image a birth family living in the same town being in frequent contact.

I suppose looking within that Adoption forum this weekend I read a few comments from adult adopted children. I cannot help but think that our potential child might be registered on such a site twenty years from now, even with an open adoption! It seems there will always be issues with adoption - no matter how open the adoption or how loving the adoptive parents are. It is just the way it is.

And I accept the differences for the most part between adoption and having a biological child. Yet every time I make a shift in my thinking and accept something else about the adoption process; I am having to say goodbye to an aspect of having a biological child. I know that these issues will probably continue to crop up, even if we get picked by a birth family. How can I not compare going to a foster home or birth family to take away someone else's baby to being in hospital with my newborn daughter surrounded by loving gifts and flowers from friends and family?

AF tried to arrive this week. By tried, I mean I got some spotting and that was it. Some months I get spotting, some months I get nothing. It has been over six months since AF came for a visit and it is just adds salt to the SIF wound sometimes; that my periods have stopped. Although some of my menopausal symptoms have settled down; I do feel odd to not be menstruating at 42. Really my periods started disappearing over three years ago. But it has taken me a while to adjust to being in early menopause.

I've had a couple of people of late make that if you relax and/or let go it will happen comment - as in pregnancy. I've had to blantantly tell them that I am biologically unable to conceive as POF or early menopause is irreversible.

Guess I'm feeling so many feelings right now: some lingering anger at my reproductive situation, confusion around open adoption and just plain emotional exhausation from all the processing. I don't like being in a bad place - especially when I've had weeks of feeling ok. But I should expect that turbulent feelings will continue to appear every now and then. I want to be healed and done and dusted with all of this but I guess I've still got some things to get my head around.

I have been thinking too of late how now I am 42, I am in a new 7 year cycle. Some claim that life can be broken into seven year cycles. I don't constantly think about it, but often when I'm on the brink of leaving a cycle, I can feel change in the air. So I do feel it - new things ahead within this new cycle. The last one 35 - 42 was for me all about settling down/getting married/starting a family/buying a house - all that stuff. No wonder I was peeved within that cycle that I never got to finish our family! But I will get to finish our family in the next cycle - either as a family of three as we exist today - or perhaps as a family of four. I just want life to be about other things now - and more than that - I just want to enjoy what I have rather than being focused on what I don't have. God help me to let this all go. I'm having a hard time doing so today.

In The Meantime

Now that we are near the end of the adoption process and all we pretty much have to do is write a profile and submit it (into the prospective adoptive parents pool); I find myself feeling a bit lost all over again. It is a strange place to be. There is a lot of relief to have reached this point, excitement on one hand on what could happen, and then fear on another hand around what might not happen. This is it for us - our last chance at parenthood for the second time. How can I not be feeling a little vulnerable?

When we first got the news that we had been unofficially accepted into the prospective adoptive parents this week I felt quite open about it and shared the news with friends and family who I was in contact with. However I have shut down around our news now and don't feel like sharing it much at all. I suppose I will continue to have ups and downs even within this time of nearing the end of the adoption process - and probably even when we are waiting in the pool. It's not like a place of one hundred percent acceptance and peace is ever achieved - I do have to remind myself of that - I'm only human and we are putting ourselves out there right now.

We went to a one year old birthday party yesterday. It was very sweet. But one of the relatives there knows about our adoption plans and I had never told her directly. I just didn't want to update her, so when she asked I just said something like everything was just moving along. She also commented on the newspaper article about me and the IF group I started - within a group of people I didn't know. I just didn't want to share my SIF stuff in that context. I'm open to a certain extent, but there is a time and a place for talking about SIF, I do believe. I just wasn't in the mood.

I guess some feelings have come up again post-SIF and post-adoption process. I know I am in a much better place these days. The resentments I used to have towards of Mums of more than one child are subsiding. I think I will actually be able to go and have a cuppa soon with the neighbour across the road whose third child was born about two months ago. I am able to talk more to Mums of more than one about their offspring now. I even commented to one Mum of two yesterday at the swimming pool that her kids were gorgeous - because they were.

There is just a wee sadness sitting with me today. Grief, I guess. I suppose giving myself permission to move on from SIF is harder some days than other days. Carrying on with life sometimes feels as though I am giving up on a dream. I want to make the most of my life as it stands today but the ghost of the child that hasn't yet come to us haunts me a lot of the time.

This week, just a few days before my birthday was my due date from three years ago. Our second child would have been three years old. I spoke to her on that day and said if she wanted to stay in the spirit world/in heaven then that was fine. I said I just wanted her to be happy and that we all missed her and that I loved her. It might sound strange, but for the last three years I have felt the spirit of a female around me. She is there but whether or not she will join our family; I don't know.

In the meantime I just have to keep focusing on today - to keep being gentle with myself while allowing myself to hope and dream.

Our final appointment with our social worker

We had our last appointment with our social worker yesterday. Coincidentally, it was my 42nd birthday. We covered a lot of ground and were told that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Our social worker has approved us but we still need to go through a couple of more channels more before getting an official ok. Our social worker gave us the information for writing our profile, so we can start to think about that.

It does feel good to have reached this point - pretty much the end of the adoption process. Reactions from friends and family have been mixed. I cannot help but feel a little disappointed by the reaction of some friends and family. For the most part, people don't know what to say. I guess they have no comprehension really of all we've been through to get this point. If I was announcing I was pregnant I would be receiving hugs and congratulations. The adoption process is described by some as a "paper pregnancy" and I really believe that it is the case. Just as if you were pregnant; you put your heart and soul into the adoption process and have to imagine a child that may come to you one day. One friend did actually say today "it's like you're pregnant" which was nice of her to say.

I guess as a couple we are being relatively open around our adoption plans. I haven't shared our plans with my work-place, however, but will have to once our profile goes into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I guess I am keen to continue to educate and advocate that there are other options to adding to one's family.

I worry sometimes that our potential adopted child may possibilibly get treated differently to our biological daughter by some family members. I suppose none of our family live in the same town so nobody has followed us closely in this process - I feel as though our motives aren't clearly understood. But really it is about our family and our desire to add to it that is the most important thing of all. Although extended family do play a part in our lives, it really isn't in a hands-on kind of a way. We just visit each other as much as we can.

I do feel a lot of relief to be at this stage in the adoption process. Our daughter has been talking about having a little sister a lot lately - almost every day. She even got her magnetic letters and asked how to spell Isobel - as she thinks that is what her little sister should be called! We are just going with it - allowing her to dream. It is a possibility that she might get a sibling at this point in time so I'm not going to squash her hopes though I do gently remind her that a baby might come - not that one is coming.

We found out yesterday that there are around eight or nine couples hoping to adopt in the town we live in and that three adoptions took place in this town last year. The odds feel promising to us though of course the numbers don't really mean a lot; it is more about the choice made by any given birth family.

Although I would say I am in a good space around SIF and the adoption process, silly comments do continue to irk me at times! Over the last week there have been a few incidences. It was hard to hear a Mum at a children's party last weekend while holding her baby declaring it was her last - I did get a pang of jealousy hearing another woman talking openly about her fertility. A friend commented when I said I had done some healing because of the IF group I started "And then you have your daughter..." - she may as well have sid "At least you have one. " In one second SIF was minimised and the comment made my blood boil. My husband and I stayed on for the first ten minutes one morning at school this week. The class was talking about babies on the way and babies who had just been born. I felt so bad for our daughter sitting there quietly while these conversations were going on. I know she feels excluded on some level that she doesn't have a sibling - or one on the way. Also at the birthday party we went to last weekend when all the kids were in a circle about to play parce-the-parcel they were talking about things and one of the questions was, who has a brother or sister at home? I guess I have dealt with enough of my SIF stuff to see and know that my daughter's desire to have a sibling is very real. I have never brought up the topic. Not once. I only ever elaborate if she starts talking about it.

I look forward to the day - at the latest in two years from now - when this is all over. Whatever happens. I look forward to concluding this long episode in our lives of hoping to add to our family. If we don't get picked by a birth family, it will be good to be able to tell our daughter that we tried and it wasn't meant to be. Although I have moved on a lot from SIF and am ready to let go of the adoption option soon too - in the sense that what will be, will be - I know there will be a part of me that will remain in limbo until the day this is all finished. I have found peace again but my heart still wants and needs an ending sometime soon. I know I can do it for another two years - wait and hope - but after that (if not before) I just want to embrace my life as it stands today.