One year of blogging

This time last year I recognised that I was on quite a lonely path as a secondary infertile (SI). We had been TTC our second child for just over a year and I was in a lot of emotional pain. I felt very isolated as few seemed to grasp just how heartbreaking it was to have your chances of having another biological child fading fast before your eyes.

I started this blog as an outlet for my tumultuous feelings and as a way of allowing others to share in my journey a little. I also thought this blog might help other women in the same boat. It has proved to be very therauptic for me and has given me an outlet to explore the complexities of secondary infertility (SIF).

It hasn't always been an easy blog to write. I have tugged at some reader's heart-strings around their own infertility issues. It has been an especially difficult dynamic to explain - the desire for another biological child when you already have one to the woman who hasn't been able to conceive at all. Several friendships have been rocked on occasion because of my openness around my own longing as it is often viewed as both selfish and ungrateful from the perspective of the average "infertile."

There are some women who have a desire to have children yet cannot for circumstantial reasons i.e: no partner. It has hit a raw nerve with some women reading about me "complaining" about my family of three when they would kill for what I have.

While others have had issue with where I stand; I have also had my own problems dealing with the "fertiles" out there i.e: women who conceive easily. It has been a hard year of enduring several announcements of pregnancy then childbirth within my own circle of family and friends as well as the wider community where of course pregnancy and childbirth are just part of the cycle of life. For the most part I have had to deal with this kind of news at arms length and have had to withdraw both emotionally and physically when it has been particularly hard to face.

Watching siblings hug and kiss, running around playing together, and even fighting together often causes the Green-Eyed Monster to come out. Even yesterday at an antenatal class get-together it was hard to not be envious of the four MOTs (mothers-of-two). It was commented how the siblings all looked like one another. I agreed with a touch of sadness as that is obviously something I'll never experience - the genetic similarities between siblings.

Our first year of TTC (trying to conceive) a second child held some small ounce of hope. 2007 was a hard year yet I knew there were some other options around the corner in 2008 waiting to be ticked off the TTC to-do-list. However in the first quarter of 2008 it soon became pretty obvious that my TTC days were coming to an end. I hung stubbornly in there as specialists gave me a small ounce of hope here and there until there was no-where else I could go. 2008 has been a tough year in many ways as I have been grieving a very deep desire while it has slipped through my hands. At the same time I've been faced with dealing with the reasons for my secondary infertility - premature ovarian failure. (POF). It has been tough saying goodbye to a big part of my womanhood as I am essentially in menopause. I have been going through huge physical, psychological and emotional changes.

As 2008 came to a close I eventually started to make peace with God's plan - that another biological child was not part of His plan for us. As I let go of this dream, another possibility started to emerge - that we could expand our family through adoption. I plan to keep this blog going throughout 2009 as we go through the adoption process. In a year from now we should have gone through the whole process and will hopefully be on the books waiting to be picked. Eventually this blog will be turned into a book. I'm not sure at which point my story will finish. It might be before we know whether or not we are selected as prospective parents or are perhaps picked by a birth family. It is my SIF experience I want to share - not the happy (?) ending at the end of it all.

SIF has been one of the most traumatic things I've been through in my life. The aftermath of SIF has in a way been a little easier to deal with. I still get triggered by bumps, babies and two child-families. But I'm not as consumed by SIF as I once was. Thank-you to all my readers - all those who've checked in on me off and on and especially those who have followed my story regularly. I have felt your support along the way. I hope you've gained some insight into the strange world of infertility. And if you are an infertile - I hope that God blesses you in a way that you will be able to make peace with.

Letting go of the need for answers

I had my last in-person appointment with my herbalist yesterday as she is leaving town. I was quite sad saying goodbye to her as she was the only person specialist-wise throughout this ordeal that seemed to understand where I was coming from emotionally. I'm going to continue consultations with her via skype. She gave me the option of doing that or moving on to another herbalist. She was quite pleased I was continuing with her as she is obviously quite intrigued with my case and sees it as "quite unusual."

She doesn't necessarily think I have POF. Her theory is I could have a "resistant ovary" which means it has simply stopped working for unknown reasons. Some of the pills I'm on are to heal my left ovary - and to just let it do what it wants to do.

It's frustrating that no-one can tell me one hundred percent what's "wrong" with me. It's my black and white thinking. I want an explanation that makes total sense. I'm just going with POF for now as it's the only explanation offered so far that makes some sense.

I've had a bit of an emotional backlash around hearing about some of my MOT friend's parenting difficulties recently. I still can't hear too much, I don't think. An overview is fine but details just allow me to put myself in their shoes and that can upset me. It's up to me to put up boundaries around what feels okay to hear and what doesn't.

I took my daughter to the local petting zoo today. As we went through the gate the woman on the desk glanced down at the buggy, which my daughter was standing next to, and asked if there was an under-two in it. No... I said. Today that hit a raw nerve. Because there should have been an under two in there. I've been in a bit of why me God? space these last couple of days. Especially with women who are pregnant with their third or fourth children. I cannot help but think Why them, and not me? What do they have that I don't have that means I can't have another child?

There is a woman around the Mum circles who has fostered many children - and still continues too. Apparently she adopted her first two. I heard through the grapevine she can't have any biological children. I had always wondered what her story was. I've always had a lot of admiration for her taking in these children that need a loving home. I've thought she was like some kind of a Super-Mum really. I would love to talk to her about things sometime - if and when it feels appropriate.

I guess I'm going to have accept that even though I'm in the aftermath of SIF - I still have a way to go in regards to healing a broken heart. I feel a lot better all in all but some days it stings more than other days.

Seeing it from the other side

Every now and then I notice a small shift or two around my SIF "recovery". I know I'm starting to heal in my own sweet time and it's nice to feel myself getting lighter, with less angst and resentment.

One thing I've been able to do lately is write down other people's due dates in my diary. For the past year I just haven't been able to do that and dreaded the day so-and-so would announce their baby's arrival into the world.

Another shift is I've started feeling some sympathy for the MOT friends I have with babies. I could not go there for so long as having sympathy meant having empathy and I certainly couldn't put myself in their shoes - in was much too painful. So I basically protected myself emotionally by just not going there, or keeping my distance.

This week I've been able to hear the difficulties around having two children from the perspective of a couple of MOTs. What I really get and think is that being a mother for the second time is no easier than the first time round. Experience accounts for something but having an older child and a baby still is a juggling act. I'm beginning to see that a few of my MOT friends have really struggled the second time round and I wasn't able to hear or see that for a while.

Yet another change is I've been able to laugh at some of the silly side-affects of SIF. Such as walking an empty buggy to my daughter's Kindy (since she walks one way and wants to be pushed home). If it wasn't for SIF; there would have been a baby or a toddler in that buggy. I have joked with a couple of people how I haven't really lost it and that I'm well aware that the buggy is childless. Yesterday I saw my Dr - the one who prescribed the anti-depressants and thought to myself: I hope she doesn't think I've really lost it; carting an empty buggy around! Our eyes met when she looked down at the empty buggy so she was obviously thinking something about SIF and the no-baby-in-the-buggy-scenario.

I had two molars extracted yesterday. One in particular really needed to go as it has been giving me grief for the last few years. I kind of feel like I've been through a tooth extraction with SIF. I went through all this pain for a couple of years, then the whole SIF ordeal came to a halt. Now I have this big hole where SIF existed that has been replaced with other stuff - good stuff - in my life. But I'm still making peace with the last two years at the same time. I saw two different bumps with their toddlers today and I felt envious. Yet at the same time I can feel that that just wasn't Gods will for me - to get pregnant again. It's sad but I'm finding it easier to live with.

The quiet after the storm

We're a week away from the official start of Summer; yet we've had some pretty wild weather lately. It's rained a lot over the last three or so days - and yesterday it was quite stormy on top of that. Today the weather is a lot more settled yet the turbulent weather hasn't been forgotten.

I have been thinking how SIF was a big storm in my life for what felt like a very long time. I would have serene patches when I felt on top of things, but for the most part the storms of my heart prevailed.

I now feel like I'm facing the quiet after the storm. The turbulent emotions are under control and I can see blue skies ahead. Yet I'm still cleaning up the mess in many ways that this SIF storm made in my life.

If it wasn't for the stormy weather; then the days of sunshine wouldn't feel so wonderful. That is how it is for the emotional storms I go through every now and then. Wild weather is just something that needs to happen every now and again in nature. Often it makes no sense to us as humans.

I know SIF was a storm that came my way to shake up things emotionally. It never made sense to me at the time and still doesn't in many ways. But now I have the opportunity to regroup and start rebuilding myself from the inside out again.

A fun weekend

We've had a great weekend as a family despite all the rain. Friday night my daughter's Kindy had a concert (performed by the four year olds) and a hangi followed. The concert was cute and my daughter's very good friend was there and came and sat on my knee while my daughter sat on my husband's knee. We were seated on the floor.

Her little sister (aged fourteen months) also came and sat with me for some of the concert so it was like being a family of three for twenty minutes or so! I especially liked having two little girls in my lap. I had nice warm fuzzy feelings come over me rather than the envy and misery that used to always overwhelm me during moments like that.

A MOTH-to-be said her daughter often talked about mine and said we should set up a playdate sometime. Initially I thought "no way" to myself as I have done for many months at the thought of socialising with a pregnant woman - especially one I don't really know. But then I thought "why not". This was the same MOTH-to-be who stated to me recently that I barely must remember what it's like to be pregnant since it had been a while. I have that in perspective now. I guess, because I haven't shared SIF with her, she has assumed I just don't want any more children.

Unfortunately the food side of the Kindy get-together was a big flop. It was a hangi which is how New Zealand maoris cooked food in days gone by - in a big hole in the ground which is heated with very hot rocks. It is kind of like cooking a roast underground. Hangis are still part of our New Zealand culture and pop up here and there though I have to admit I personally haven't been to that many. So I was really looking forward to tasting food cooked in a hangi again. (it has a real "earthy" flavour). Unfortunately the ground wasn't heated up enough so the food was cold basically when they pulled it out. We could have taken the food away to heat up at home with us but decided to go to a school fair instead.

It was after 6.30pm by the time we got to the fair which is the time our daughter is usually in her PJs. So she had lots of fun on the bouncy castle, mini ferris-wheel and playing in the playground. And we met her good friend and little sister there so they all had fun running around together in the twilight.

Saturday morning we headed out to the A&P (Agricultural and Pastoral associations) show while the weather was okay. There were a few spits of rain and we left when it really came down. We spent three hours there walking around as a family of three. We had lunch, visited the animal nursery (where I got to hold my first ever baby chicken!), our daughter had a pony ride, a mini-ferris wheel ride and a go on the bouncy castle. We bought her an inflatable My Little Pony which she adores and has taken to bed with her for the last two nights. We bumped into various people we knew here and there and went inside caravans and motorhomes and saw llamas, sheep and goats. Your typical A&P show in lots of ways. It definitely is a fun thing to do now our daughter is a little older and can just walk around with us (as opposed to being pushed in a buggy).

After the A&P show we headed to my Mum's holiday home for the night. As always it was so nice to our daughter getting excited when she sees Nana.

Sunday (today) I worked. It was a good day at work - really busy so I was in the gallery selling pottery, helping children out with painting ceramics and in the cafe clearing tables/running out coffees and doing the dishes. My husband and daughter came in fifteen minutes before I finished. It was so nice to have my wee daughter walk in and say "Hi Mummy!" like the big girl she is. I got the slops bucket and gave it to my husband and daughter to give to Katie the pig to feed. We treated ourselves to fish n' chips for tea tonight which was nice - haven't done the takeway thing for a while.

So all in all I feel like I'm in a good space. Just enjoying my life as it is today. I seem to have a lot of social stuff going on and had to say I couldn't go to a couple of things this week as I was starting to feel like I was out more than I was in! Somehow, through all the SIF shit I managed to make friends. So I can't have been a complete ball of misery.

I am continuing to share our adoption plans with friends and (extended) family when it feels right to. I really think I needed to have healed quite a bit around SIF before getting here (being more open) as sometimes people do assume you are over it all - the fact you can't have another biological child - when in fact it still hurts somewhat. I believe the hurt is fading in my case. But at the same time, if appropriate, I do want to share a shortened version of my SIF story with people when adoption comes up because I did go through so much to get here. One day I know it won't matter - the SIF stuff will fade into the background. But right now I'm in a place of telling people what it was/is like to be an SI.

Would I go back?

I never had a clear-cut diagnosis in the end with SIF. It was me who decided to quit since my body had clearly given up the ghost on the TTC front. My half-diagnosis of ovarian failure is what I've accepted as my reason for my infertility.

Sometimes I do wonder if there was/is something else wrong with my body. Perhaps a hormonal imbalance that could have been restored. One kind member of Dailystrength shared her story with me recently which was the same in a lot of ways to mine yet another reason for her infertility was discovered and she went on to conceive.

In my heart I don't feel there was/is anywhere else for me to go infertility-wise. I have been listening to the God of my understanding and I truly did reach the end of the TTC road. The thing is I tried so many approaches/theories around my wonky cycles for two years and no one got it right.

I don't think I could go back into the TTC game again. I have felt much better all in all since moving on; even though I still have some remnants of two years of SIF still hovering around. I have noticed little shifts here and there.

Today when I visited a MOTH friend and I was able to console her fourteen month old when she was distraught. I just took it for what it was - a small child seeking comfort. I didn't feel quite as envious as I sometimes do or on the brink of tears at the sight of siblings playing together. I feel I am exactly where I'm meant to be in my life. It wasn't where I'd hoped to be but it's getting easier to accept my fate as time passes.

Crazy busy

I seem to be flat-out at the moment. So much so, there wasn't even time to blog yesterday! I am thinking I may not be able to always blog daily at this point. But as regularly as possible. I feel a bit thrown off on the days I don't blog as it has been my way of purging and keeping myself on track for almost a year.

I went to another ASD Support group meeting for my daughter yesterday. There were two other Mums there with ASD kids slightly older than mine (but they weren't at the cafe - they were in Kindy and School). I'm going to sign as up with Austism New Zealand as there are quite a few workshops on etc to help you with your child and to put you in touch with other families in the same boat. Connecting with these women yesterday was kind of like connecting with women with SIF - you just "get it" and don't have to go into too much detail about what it means etc etc to be in a situation.

Today a good MOO friend and I took our daughters to a cafe after their gymnastics class. A former SI appeared with her four month old baby and her husband (her daughter was in preschool). She is the SI I mentioned a while back who didn't want to share how she conceived her second child after divulging quite a bit around how her first child was conceived after several years of infertility. I didn't feel so resentful around her today and was able to lightly comment to the father how much their baby boy looked like him.

There was a coffee group of Mums today of one year olds or thereabouts. At one stage we had one hovering around our girls so we had two three year olds and a one year holding hands for a bit. It was veeeeeery cute. I could talk about how gorgeous I thought the one year olds were today without feeling too much pain. Usually I can't go there - I have to put my guard up and almost ignore children younger than my daughter for fear of my grief surging up. But it didn't happen today.

These Mums only had one child so perhaps that made it easier to bear. It is the MOTS (mothers of two) and particularly MOTHs-to-be (mothers of three to be) that I find the hardest to be around.

I suppose it has been good for me having some goals lately outside of motherhood. I have my job interview for the transcribing from home position tomorrow and have made myself a time-line to get my artwork done for our stall in just over a months time. I am having trouble squeezing in the gym right now so just go when I can. Thankfully tonight I can go - am off to do a Bodycombat class which I'm looking forward to.

Extreme gratitude for my daughter

I went away this weekend to Greymouth for an assembly to do with a twelve step programme I'm in. It's a four hour trip from Nelson (including a lunch break). I really enjoy these little breaks away (I go to a couple a year) and come back feeling renewed and revitalised.

I had time to think when I was away in a out-of-town-different-perspective kind of a way. I went for a short walk alone yesterday morning and just thought how lucky I am to have my daughter. I have felt this gratitude all along but the consuming feelings of SIF often drowned it. There is a difference between feeling gratitude on a surface level and on a deep level. Many people along the way told me "Be grateful for the one you have" and I often felt guilty that I was only able to feel my gratitude for my daughter on a surface level.

Don't get me wrong; I have always thought of my daughter as nothing short of a gift from God. But I was in too much pain with SIF often to feel my gratitude for her, even though it was there, in a deep way. I have always been able to look at her and be taken aback that she is here most of the time. I think it's a miracle that I did manage to conceive one daughter after all the ups and downs of SIF. Especially as she grows - I can't believe I have a very active and happy three and a half year old right now. I'm just feeling very blessed right now around motherhood.

The last few weeks have been busy and I'm feeling a little pressured/stressed around some upcoming events. Thursday morning I'm doing a test for a work-at-home transcribing job. And at the end of December is the combined stall of myself and four friends at the Richmond Market Day and I haven't done a thing yet - as in painted anything yet to sell! I will get there. I have to say it's nice to be fretting about things outside of SIF! These are not feelings of dread and pain like I often had with SIF - just butterflies/nervous energy really which isn't a bad thing.

I found when I was away this weekend I was able to share about SIF - especially the aftermath without unearthing a whole bunch of painful feelings. It is so much easier to talk about it in the past tense when away in a small town with a group of women mainly older than myself without a bump or any children around. The trick now is keeping that SIF door shut when the bumps and growing families are before me. Sometimes it drifts open in these cirumstances. It is certainly not a black and white process of shutting the door and never looking back.

One Day At A Time

Once again I am feeling the best way to "be" right now is just ODAT (one day at a time). I'm in this kind of limbo space where one door has been closed with TTC our second child and the next door has opened slightly regarding adoption. I can't open the door completely until next Marchish when the ball will really start rolling.

So in the meantime it's a time of just trying to be. If the POF or SIF grief comes up; then I will feel it. But it's also a time of enjoying the simple things in life. I am usually someone who does enjoy little pleasures such as a cup of herbal liquorice tea, the sound of birds twittering (as they are right now) and walks out in nature. SIF threatened to take that basic enjoyment away from me. My ability to just "be" was challenged a lot but there were times I was able to just stop amidst the pain and heartache. This is what contentment is about to me - just being able to enjoy and appreciate my life as it is today.

Yesterday a woman from CDS (Child Development Services) came around to assess our daughter. She brought a box of toys around and interacted with her and asked me some questions. The outcome was that she - just like the Head Teacher Kindy thinks - our daughter could benefit with some help from special education/a teachers aide. This is mainly for social guidance. Intelligence-wise our daughter is doing fine and is slightly more advanced than her peers in some areas.

The specialists along the way have been impressed with what we've done to help our daughter. A lot of what life is like with an ASD child is pre-empting situations in regards to her emotional state. My daughter has trouble self-regulating their moods (but not always) so it is often obvious that a visit to town or a playdate kept short. Sometimes melt-downs are unavoidable and yesterday she screamed after she fell over at the end of Kindy and didn't stop until I settled her down with a DVD and a home-made apple-juice ice-block. It was one of her more extreme meltdowns.

Obviously as she gets older we won't always be around to pre-empt scenarios so the woman from CDS wants to work with us in helping her self-regulate. She's coming back in four weeks and in the meantime wants to construct a chart with pictures on it giving her options for activities to do after Kindy which is her tired time of the day and often when she loses it.

I went to a farewell do for a former work colleague last night. I have dreaded going back to this workplace for fear of the When are you having more kids? question. I got asked that a lot when I dropped in before TTC our second child and our daughter was quite young and just didn't want to go there when in the throes of SIF. I only got asked if I had any more kids last night by one person and I just left it at a simple no.

The woman from CDS also asked the same question - which she has to for her records. But still. No doubt the words "only child" are written in my daughter's file. It is has nothing to do with her diagnosis but there is a stigma about it somehow - the lonely only child and all that. However I know my daughter's life is far from lonely. She has periods of time of being bored at home (what child doesn't?) but for the most part she is stimulated and enjoys life. If anything it is me that thinks she is lacking because she doesn't have a sibling. But my daughter at this stage is not bothered by her "only child" status at all.

We are good parents!

Yesterday we had our second appointment with a paediatrician up at Nelson hospital. The first one two months ago was when our daughter's diagnosis of ASD (autism spectrum disorder) was made. This was just a half-hour follow-up appointment. My husband and I just shared how things have been since the ASD diagnosis which is pretty good all in all.

There are a couple of areas we've been stuck on behaviour-wise and when we shared these with the paediatrician he could see why we'd be stuck given some of the "quirks" of ASD. He said it's best to talk to others who've had the experience raising children with ASD or Aspergers Syndrome. So I have a phone number of the woman who organises the support group (in which only me and one other new-comer turned up last month) and another organisation to contact - parent-to-parent which matches you with families in the same boat if possible.

I felt pretty good when we came out of the appointment. We struggle around some stuff but all in all our daughter is thriving. My husband mentioned in the appointment that our daughter is starting to spell out loud and the paediatrician was taken aback a little with that since she is only three (and a half). He said that was quite advanced for her age. It was nice to share where she is overall because she is one happy, fun and bright child. It made me feel quite proud of her - and us - to be able to say this.

SIF eats at the core of your being and there have been many times over the last couple of years that I have questioned my parenting skills. I have thought perhaps I was a crap parent and that's why I wasn't one of the chosen fertiles (by God). I have always been able to recognise how great my husband is as a parent but I am very good at beating myself up. But I know we have both done well raising our daughter and it hasn't always been easy. There will no doubt always be challenges with her ASD but then what parent isn't challenged along the way?

It has been a busy few weeks. There is lots of social stuff going-on and between my daughter and I, quite a few appointments. Yesterday I popped into my herbalist to pick up some pills I ran out of and she didn't have any in stock! She said she'd call me when they were in - in the next two days or so. I actually drive especially into town to get them - parked the car and all that. After the note-losing episode and now this, I have lost the faith with my herbalist just a little bit. I know she knows her stuff and all that yet I am someone who notices the little things when it comes to service/businesses such as being prepared for a clients needs and having all her supplies in store.

It's great to have a bit going on right now. I feel as though I have a life outside of SIF - or at least, the aftermath of SIF. There are going to be painful moments for a while I'd say. Like yesterday after my daughter's gymnastics class I heard my MOT friend telling someone she had no free time with two children and it was really hard. My stomach lurched yet at the same time; I know she is exhausted and desperately needs a time-out. But it's hard for her to tell me that directly and for me to hear it. The big difference of late is I am not consumed by my grief. It's there but I can feel it and then carry on with my day. Once upon a time I used to be paralysed by it. So that's gotta be progress.

Making sense of POF

I've had a sore lower back and neck this week. It happened as a consequence of lifting my daughter who is now 20kg. I've been here before and it's getting better. I've kept away from the gym this week and am just keeping to yoga and pilate exercises at home. The yoga stretches are amazing - I can just feel the tension leaving my body when I do them.

I believe that now that I've reached the end of the road with TTC, my body is giving a big sigh. For two years I had a lot of doubt hanging over me around our chances to conceive another baby. Yet I held on, often by my fingernails, and resisted feeling what I was feeling too deeply. It seems my mind and body are in catch-up mode now as I now have this time to process what is.

It is not just the end of my TTC days I'm processing - it is how I got here. It is about getting my head around POF (premature ovarian failure). There is lots of information out there on the Net which I have linked to in former posts. However today I am just going to relay bits and pieces from my own findings.

Apparently I just squeeze into the diagnosis of POF - as it affects women under the age of forty. After forty it's called premature menopause. Around fifty (or perhaps forty-five depending on what you read) it's considered (normal) menopause. It was around 38 that I believe that my fast decline into POF started for me. Ironically this is when we started to TTC our second child and my periods were spacing out and getting lighter at this time. I was still ovulating in our first year of TTC. By our second year of TTC I had no menstrual cycles for months at a time and ovulation was starting to cease. It was during this year (2008) that the menopausal symptoms really kicked in.

From what I've read there could be two possible reasons for my POF: it could have happened spontaneously. Or it was a response to the removal of my left ovary when my daughter was delivered via c-section. It is believed that when surgery is responsible for menopause; it happens very rapidly. The average women going into natural menopause will do so over a number of years. But those who experience menopause earlier in life - either through POF or premature menopause - will do so in a short space of time. Often this means the symptoms can be more severe. So on two accounts - my surgery and my age - I have the evidence that I haven't been going mad these last two years. The severe mood swings and other symptoms were very, very real.

It brings tears to my eyes piecing all this information together. I had a half-diagnosis of POF made but never a full one. Neither my Dr or gyno have tried terribly hard to make sense of where I'm at. So I've just gone with my gut, my own research and the beliefs of my herbalist - which are the same as mine - that I experienced POF because of the removal of my left ovary in 2005.

From what I've read, POF is very often not picked up in young women. Some Dr's - like mine did (the Dr before my current one) attribute missed periods to stress. My former herbalist told me my menopausal symptoms were connected to a hormonal imbalance which she believed was temporary. She prescribed herbs, pills and the like to reverse what was going on with my body in the hope of restoring my fertility. Yet the sad reality with POF is what has happened cannot be reversed. Infertility is permanent. It is said there is up to a ten percent chance of conception for those with POF as ovulation can occur occasionally in some women. But most women are unable to conceive.

I have identified with a lot around what I've read about the emotional impact of POF on women. One article advised that the woman with POF should be sent to counselling as depression was often a likely response to such a huge loss in her womanhood. That was certainly the case for me. The mood swings that I experienced didn't make processing things any easier.

For the most part it has been a shock to find myself in a place in my life I didn't expect to be for another ten years or so. I miss my periods. I have had several dreams about having a period and sometimes still feel as if AF is coming. It's going to take a while to completely get used to not having a monthly cycle. I have a drawer full of tampons and pads that I guess I can either pass on to someone else or discard. The plus side is I don't have to fork out money for my monthly cycle anymore. Yet at the same time it feels bizarre walking past "that section" in the supermarket and not putting anything in my trolley.

On the outside I am often thought to be a lot younger than my forty years. Yet on the inside I feel like a fifty year old women. I am going through the same emotional and psychological changes of women older than myself. Typically these women are on the other side of raising their families yet I am only at the beginning. There is a lot to get my head around.

A friend lent me her folder as she sadly went through POF in her twenties. She lost her infertility at such a young age. I at least was able to have one child before POF happened.

Oh to have the choice

Every now and then God seems to want to test that I really am in the place that I say I am emotionally. In this case it's a case of acceptance around where I've ended up in the SIF game. For the most part I have accepted God's Will but I'm only human - the bump and baby talk triggers me still every time.

When I dropped my daughter off at Kindy this am I was a little earlier so hung outside the gate with a MOT with a very noticeable bump. I kind of know this MOT so felt obliged to comment: Another one on the way then? She nodded then complained about how sick she has been - how it's been her hardest pregancy so far - and probably because she's older. I'd say she wouldn't be much over twenty-five (!) There's another MOT-to-be I also know at Kindy but I have ignored her growing bump as I just don't want to open the door to pregnancy-progress chats. Every time I see her she seems to be wearing the exact same maternity top that I gave away recently. Of course it only reminds me of when I was up the duff and my jealousy starts boiling away.

I met a good friend for coffee (well, herbal tea) while my daughter was at Kindy this afternoon. She's a generation older and an excellent listener. She also is good at seeing things from my perspective. She pointed out despite the pain of the last two years - and my continued present pain - there was a plus side to the way things had turned out. I agree yet at the same time, I have only embraced these situations because I so desperately needed to focus on something else outside of SIF. So I have thrown myself into my 40th b'day, getting dressed up for the various costume parties over the last few months, joining the gym, getting a Sunday job and doing an art class. I would have chosen being at home nursing a baby over all of those experiences; even though they've all been great. I think the misconception is sometimes that just because I'm doing stuff/have a social life that I'm okay when really I have done a lot of that stuff as a way of getting out of my head and to distract myself from my pain.

As I left Kindy today I overheard two MOTs deliberating as to whether they should have a third child or not. One said she'd have to do it soon if she was having another one as she didn't want more than a two year gap. She said it had been hard work having two twenty-two months apart. I left promptly at this point. I really didn't need to hear it. I just thought to myself Oh to have the choice. The choice as to how many children you want in your family. The choice when to conceive and the choice when to stop growing your family. This is when the bitter side of me appears because obviously my choice was taken away. I have no choice and I'm still digesting that.

Being upfront

Yesterday at work I helped a couple of families with painting their own ceramics. Both families wanted to do handprints of their babies. One family had come in before - they have two children. My usual wave of MOT- envy swept through my being. I cannot help but think What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I conceive another baby? whenever I see babies. After painting the ceramics the family of four went to the cafe for a while then towards the end (of their visit) the MOT came back with her nine month old baby for a bit of a chat.

She asked the question - Planning to have some more? (children). To which I replied we couldn't have any more but were looking into adoption. She initially said she was sorry (that we couldn't have any more biological kids) then we talked a little bit about adoption. I feel okay about being open about where I'm/we're at with things. I'm not doing it for sympathy - I'm doing it mainly because it helps me with my reality. I don't want to pretend the last two years haven't happened with SIF. Also I think it does somehow help bridge the gap a little between the infertiles and the fertiles telling it like it is.

Of course there were many times in my SIF journey that I didn't want to disclose the painful details of my ordeal to the fertiles out there. But now I'm ready. I actually felt quite good after talking to this MOT. She's lovely and also I could see she put herself in my shoes for a bit. Also people are often genuinely surprised when you say you can't conceive any more children after having had one. I kind of want to educate people a bit about SIF - when appropriate. That it is just something that unfairly happens to some women.

Our little family went to the Circus on Saturday. It was a great family outing and very entertaining. I could not help scan the audience checking out all the families - and there were heaps of family of fours. I look forward to the day when I no longer care how many children others have. Perhaps we will end up being a family of four ourselves. In a year or so things could be quite different.

Telling it like it is

Last night a neighbour popped round with her three year old niece. She asked if we were going to have any more children to which I replied "I can't have any more children. We're looking into adoption" It wasn't awkward actually, being that direct about where things are at. For so many months when I've been asked that question I've never quite known how to answer it and my feeble "I hope so" reply just reinforced how vulnerable I was feeling within SIF.

Now I know my fate, I can be straight up with others. I hid a lot of my pain out there when going through SIF for fear of being misunderstood and judged. Yet now I think there is no shame in sharing that sometimes the ending is heartbreak with infertility.

I've been feeling my feelings grief-wise the last few days. But all in all I'm pretty good. I have more energy and motivation to do stuff at the moment. I've baked twice this week and made more of an effort with the house-work. There's been a bit of social stuff going on too being the end of the year and all that.

Today I caught up with some former co-workers over brunch. My daughter spent quite a bit of the time wandering off with me chasing her, but it was good to see them all the same. A MOTH friend shared about how her three children resemble each other physically. I still feel a pang of envy and a general sense of unfairness when I hear comments like that. I think how can someone be so lucky - in that they get to have three kids when I didn't get to have two biological ones. Surely God could have evened it out a lot better - I only wanted one more. A two-child family request was not asking for a lot, I didn't think.

I think it's worked out well that we can't start the adoption process until next Marchish. I think it's important I sort out the aftermath of SIF as much as possible before throwing myself into our adoption plans. It's kind of like when you've just broken up with someone and the writing was on the wall way before the split. I feel like that with SIF - I guess I've known it was over for me quite some time ago but I've still got a little way to go emotionally around how things ended.

Accepting grief

Even though closing the door on TTC for another biological child has brought a lot of relief and freedom; the grief continues. For me hearing about babies and siblings and bumps is a lot like hearing about couples in love when you've recently been dumped. You just sometimes don't want to know that others are getting on with it and enjoying what you'd hoped for. I still get waves of jealousy sometimes even towards those who are still within the SIF game as they still have a chance of getting pregnant. I don't envy the pain of the uncertainty that comes with being in the midst of SIF though.

I started a group within the Secondary Infertility community on Dailystrength this week called "Adoption after secondary infertility." There are three members so far (including me). I thought it was important I created a space that was about life after SIF and adoption plans. It will help me move forward I think.

I have made a few on-line friends over the last year going through SIF but now I feel like I'm in a different league and don't want to hear too much about BFP's. Some of these on-line friends are pregnant and that is hard to hear about it too - especially following their pregnancies. I check in on them occasionally but it still hurts to read about their pregnancy symptoms and growing bumps.

I have three friends in "real life" pregnant right now - all around the twenty week mark. All of them struggled with infertility for varying periods of time so I am rapt for them all. But I still have those feelings sneak up a lot Why not me God? Why couldn't I have another child? They are fleeting feelings, but they are still there.

I'm still being very gentle with myself and seem to be able to move on from any green-eyed monster feelings of envy I have pretty fast. Accepting God's Will and having the adoption plans certainly helps. I expect the grief will linger for a while. My head is still processing moving from dreams of another biological child to dreams of adopting a child. It's exciting finding the "right" plan for us but there is still some pain to process around letting go of a dream.

Life goes on

Now that the door has been shut on my SIF days and I've been able to start moving on; I am feeling a great sense of life just carrying on. I'm not trivialising my pain and grief over the last two years - trust me, it was very real. And still is a lot of the time. But isn't as intense or as consuming. SIF took over my being and my life as well as a lot of the enjoyment I normally have for the simple things in life.

I feel as if I'm back to being "me" again - the-affected-by-SIF -but-moving-on-from-it-version. Life feels as though it is flowing again and I am feeling God's presence quite naturally - I can really feel Him there. Now that the adoption process has started, it feels like other areas of my life are moving forward as well.

SIF hasn't been the only thing I've had to deal with over the last two years. I realised this morning I still have a bit of processing to do around my daughter's diagnosis of ASD a few months back

Today we were going round for a playdate with some kids she doesn't know so well. The MOT phoned first thing to check if it was okay if another couple of kids were there. I said that was fine - it was up to her. They didn't come in the end and my daughter had a great time playing on the trampoline and patting the pet baby rabbits and got on really well with the two girls aged three and two. I was touched that this Mum considered my daughter in her plans.

Also this morning I got phoned by CDS - Child Development Services. They are coming round to observe/assess our daughter at home next week. I felt some tears coming after that phone-call - since it was the second phone-call of the morning centred around my daughter's diagnosis. It was a case of feeling I hope she's going to be alright in life - happy in herself and her relationships with others in particular in the long-term. She is those things right now but it was a real Mum feeling of wanting to protect my girl and for her not to be judged by the world and all that.

We covered her ASD within our informal chat with Adoption Services on Monday. My husband and I agreed that fostering isn't an option for our family as our daughter thrives on routine and doesn't always cope with change. So having kids coming and going would be disruptive. This is also another reason why we wouldn't adopt a child older than her as it would probably throw her off suddenly acquiring a big sister or brother. The guy at Adoption Services didn't recommend adopting an older child anyway.

I guess I'm in a place of really appreciating and embracing all that is precious in my life today. I felt it throughout my SIF battle, just not on a deep level. It's like I've come out of a fog and I can see things clearly again.

Herbalist appointment

My herbalist called me back for a free half hour consultation yesterday. I was very curious as to why she wanted me to come into the store. Turns out the handwritten notes she took at my last consult have mysteriously disappeared in the shop! She and the other staff there were highly embarrassed but assured me my notes are just lost in the shop - they weren't stolen. Apparently they turned the shop upside down looking for my notes. To compensate my herbalist refunded my last consult and I got my herbs for free this week. I didn't expect that at all - I was very understanding about it but they insisted. So it was nice to get some extra cash in my wallet yesterday, half of which will go towards payment for my daughter's gymnastics class.

I had my art class last week - it was the third session. I'm enjoying it and my teacher commented that my style at this point is gestural which means it's fast and not precise. We're painting off black and white photos right now - I'm using one of our wedding photos which is the back view of my husband and I are standing on a beach. One of my class-mates last night asked if I'd painted before which was a nice compliment! Although I can draw simple cartoons with a pencil or pen, I am quite awkward with a paint-brush so it'll be interesting to see how I progress.

I feel like my life has become a lot more manageable since I handed my baby dreams over to God and starting following his Will. Turns out going down the adoptive path is a very promising one and I feel revived because of it. I feel connected with the rest of my life again. I now have direction and motivation - something I haven't felt for many months.

Moving forward - what a relief!

After yesterday's appointment with Adoption Services, I do feel like I have well and truly moved on from TTC our second child. It is a huge relief. I guess on some level I knew I was barking up the wrong tree for a while so it's quite freeing to be off the merry-go-round of SIF as such.

I'm starting to process the last two years. I knew I would come out of it all one day feeling stronger - and I do! Amazing considering just six weeks ago I was at my Dr's in tears and was prescribed "happy pills". No doubt the happy pills have helped me get things in perspective and helped me let go of my dreams of another biological child. I have certainly enjoyed not having mood swings for the last few weeks.

I'm off to see my herbalist again this afternoon for a free half hour consult as she really wanted to see me again. No sure what it's all about! She had to rush off to a hair appointment after my consult with her last time so perhaps she wants to talk about things a bit more - not sure.

Someone I vaguely know who heard about our adoption plans commented yesterday how she knew of someone who fell pregnant - several times - after adopting. No doubt I'm going to hear that comment a bit over the next few months. Maybe it's possible for a menstruating woman but not me. It frustrates me that comment, actually. The same woman also said that specialists know a lot these days to help infertiles to which I muttered "Depends on who you get!"

I think my Dr and gyno have been hopeless, quite frankly, around dealing with my ovarian failure half-diagnosis. I can't turn back time of course but I think if I knew then what I know now I would have gone to a decent fertility specialist, even one out of Nelson, very early on - as soon as my periods started stretching out. This is all part of me processing the last two years - putting all the pieces together in my head so I can truly move on. I trust in God's timing and I was only ever meant to do and know what I did throughout my SIF days. Clearly I was never meant to have another biological child. And now that I can see and feel that; I feel more peace than I have for a very long time.

Appointment debrief

The appointment with Adoption Services went well this arvo. It was just a general, informal kind of chat. We addressed a few things and it gave us some food for thought as in things to think about such as whether we'd want to adopt a child from another culture (within New Zealand) and what age group we want to adopt. Most children adopted in New Zealand are just a few weeks old but the guy said today some are older, even up to the age of twenty. We established today that we'd only adopt a child younger than our daughter since she is our "first-born". By the time the paperwork goes through our daughter will be four years old, so a child under three would be fine with us. We can also choose what part of New Zealand we'd like to adopt from - just locally, the South Island only or the whole country. We thought we'd say the whole of NZ to increase our chances of being picked. (hopefully).

We talked a bit about open adoption and what that means - essentially establishing a relationship with the birth family that involves keeping in touch as often as is comfortable between parties - kind of like a relationship with the in-laws the guy said.

What comes next is emailing adoption services to say we want to proceed with things. Apart from me establishing that I have no criminal record in Canada (because I lived there for over 12 months and it apparently takes a while to go through the system) we can't actually do anything until next year until the Information Sessions start which are group sessions with other potential adoptive parents that go into more depth about adoption. This might not be til March '09. (until there are enough numbers).

After that we can fill out an application form which includes police and medical checks and two references from a family member and a friend. Next there is the Education and Preparation Programme to attend (if the application has been accepted) in which adoptive parents share their experiences as well issues to do with adopting. The next stage is writing a profile about ourselves to go into the waiting pool for birth parents to choose from.

The guy estimated the process will take six to nine months to get to the profile stage from the Information Sessions next March/April. So we have four or five months before we can really start the ball rolling. But the way I see it is it gives me time to heal from my SIF ordeal, time to sort out my hormonal imbalance and time to just be our family of three for a bit. I do trust God with this process and think our chances are good. It feels like there is a natural flow going on which is starkly different to the stagnant days of SIF.

I can't keep up! (with my life)

I can't keep up with my life right now. It's a great feeling after months of living in a place that felt so stagnant and so very stall. Last night I went out for Halloween to a members (and friends and family of) party my gym was holding. Four of us went along dressed us 3 x vampires and 1 Freddy Kruger! It was such a fun night. I was the sober driver but had a ball getting dressed up as a vampire. I wore a black sequinned above-the-knee dress with a red floor-length cape, black fishnet stockings, high-heeled black and white shoes (from the local second-hand store) and a firey red shoulder length wig (that I hired from a Costume Hire place). One my friends helped with my makeup and the overall effect was awesome. Most people didn't recognise me at the gym! After the gym party we went to another Halloween party which was pretty mellow then cruised into town for a bit. I was home around midnight but left the others to it.

Today I had a stall-holders meeting with the other three women I am teaming up with late December at a local annual market. We did the "show-and-tell" thing and between the four of us I have to say I think we will have a pretty awesome stall. We set individual goals too. So I have twenty paintings/sketches to do by the end of December. It's so nice having a creative goal to put my energy into.

I didn't even have time to blog yesterday. It feels good to be in a space where purging myself of unfavourable emotions isn't a priority or even a necessity right now. I'm doing well. Truly living God's Will, I believe. This means I'm actually able to Let Go and Let God and just enjoy my life. I feel like I am finally living again.