Letting go of the need for answers

I had my last in-person appointment with my herbalist yesterday as she is leaving town. I was quite sad saying goodbye to her as she was the only person specialist-wise throughout this ordeal that seemed to understand where I was coming from emotionally. I'm going to continue consultations with her via skype. She gave me the option of doing that or moving on to another herbalist. She was quite pleased I was continuing with her as she is obviously quite intrigued with my case and sees it as "quite unusual."

She doesn't necessarily think I have POF. Her theory is I could have a "resistant ovary" which means it has simply stopped working for unknown reasons. Some of the pills I'm on are to heal my left ovary - and to just let it do what it wants to do.

It's frustrating that no-one can tell me one hundred percent what's "wrong" with me. It's my black and white thinking. I want an explanation that makes total sense. I'm just going with POF for now as it's the only explanation offered so far that makes some sense.

I've had a bit of an emotional backlash around hearing about some of my MOT friend's parenting difficulties recently. I still can't hear too much, I don't think. An overview is fine but details just allow me to put myself in their shoes and that can upset me. It's up to me to put up boundaries around what feels okay to hear and what doesn't.

I took my daughter to the local petting zoo today. As we went through the gate the woman on the desk glanced down at the buggy, which my daughter was standing next to, and asked if there was an under-two in it. No... I said. Today that hit a raw nerve. Because there should have been an under two in there. I've been in a bit of why me God? space these last couple of days. Especially with women who are pregnant with their third or fourth children. I cannot help but think Why them, and not me? What do they have that I don't have that means I can't have another child?

There is a woman around the Mum circles who has fostered many children - and still continues too. Apparently she adopted her first two. I heard through the grapevine she can't have any biological children. I had always wondered what her story was. I've always had a lot of admiration for her taking in these children that need a loving home. I've thought she was like some kind of a Super-Mum really. I would love to talk to her about things sometime - if and when it feels appropriate.

I guess I'm going to have accept that even though I'm in the aftermath of SIF - I still have a way to go in regards to healing a broken heart. I feel a lot better all in all but some days it stings more than other days.