Oh to have the choice

Every now and then God seems to want to test that I really am in the place that I say I am emotionally. In this case it's a case of acceptance around where I've ended up in the SIF game. For the most part I have accepted God's Will but I'm only human - the bump and baby talk triggers me still every time.

When I dropped my daughter off at Kindy this am I was a little earlier so hung outside the gate with a MOT with a very noticeable bump. I kind of know this MOT so felt obliged to comment: Another one on the way then? She nodded then complained about how sick she has been - how it's been her hardest pregancy so far - and probably because she's older. I'd say she wouldn't be much over twenty-five (!) There's another MOT-to-be I also know at Kindy but I have ignored her growing bump as I just don't want to open the door to pregnancy-progress chats. Every time I see her she seems to be wearing the exact same maternity top that I gave away recently. Of course it only reminds me of when I was up the duff and my jealousy starts boiling away.

I met a good friend for coffee (well, herbal tea) while my daughter was at Kindy this afternoon. She's a generation older and an excellent listener. She also is good at seeing things from my perspective. She pointed out despite the pain of the last two years - and my continued present pain - there was a plus side to the way things had turned out. I agree yet at the same time, I have only embraced these situations because I so desperately needed to focus on something else outside of SIF. So I have thrown myself into my 40th b'day, getting dressed up for the various costume parties over the last few months, joining the gym, getting a Sunday job and doing an art class. I would have chosen being at home nursing a baby over all of those experiences; even though they've all been great. I think the misconception is sometimes that just because I'm doing stuff/have a social life that I'm okay when really I have done a lot of that stuff as a way of getting out of my head and to distract myself from my pain.

As I left Kindy today I overheard two MOTs deliberating as to whether they should have a third child or not. One said she'd have to do it soon if she was having another one as she didn't want more than a two year gap. She said it had been hard work having two twenty-two months apart. I left promptly at this point. I really didn't need to hear it. I just thought to myself Oh to have the choice. The choice as to how many children you want in your family. The choice when to conceive and the choice when to stop growing your family. This is when the bitter side of me appears because obviously my choice was taken away. I have no choice and I'm still digesting that.