This time last year I recognised that I was on quite a lonely path as a secondary infertile (SI). We had been TTC our second child for just over a year and I was in a lot of emotional pain. I felt very isolated as few seemed to grasp just how heartbreaking it was to have your chances of having another biological child fading fast before your eyes.
I started this blog as an outlet for my tumultuous feelings and as a way of allowing others to share in my journey a little. I also thought this blog might help other women in the same boat. It has proved to be very therauptic for me and has given me an outlet to explore the complexities of secondary infertility (SIF).
It hasn't always been an easy blog to write. I have tugged at some reader's heart-strings around their own infertility issues. It has been an especially difficult dynamic to explain - the desire for another biological child when you already have one to the woman who hasn't been able to conceive at all. Several friendships have been rocked on occasion because of my openness around my own longing as it is often viewed as both selfish and ungrateful from the perspective of the average "infertile."
There are some women who have a desire to have children yet cannot for circumstantial reasons i.e: no partner. It has hit a raw nerve with some women reading about me "complaining" about my family of three when they would kill for what I have.
While others have had issue with where I stand; I have also had my own problems dealing with the "fertiles" out there i.e: women who conceive easily. It has been a hard year of enduring several announcements of pregnancy then childbirth within my own circle of family and friends as well as the wider community where of course pregnancy and childbirth are just part of the cycle of life. For the most part I have had to deal with this kind of news at arms length and have had to withdraw both emotionally and physically when it has been particularly hard to face.
Watching siblings hug and kiss, running around playing together, and even fighting together often causes the Green-Eyed Monster to come out. Even yesterday at an antenatal class get-together it was hard to not be envious of the four MOTs (mothers-of-two). It was commented how the siblings all looked like one another. I agreed with a touch of sadness as that is obviously something I'll never experience - the genetic similarities between siblings.
Our first year of TTC (trying to conceive) a second child held some small ounce of hope. 2007 was a hard year yet I knew there were some other options around the corner in 2008 waiting to be ticked off the TTC to-do-list. However in the first quarter of 2008 it soon became pretty obvious that my TTC days were coming to an end. I hung stubbornly in there as specialists gave me a small ounce of hope here and there until there was no-where else I could go. 2008 has been a tough year in many ways as I have been grieving a very deep desire while it has slipped through my hands. At the same time I've been faced with dealing with the reasons for my secondary infertility - premature ovarian failure. (POF). It has been tough saying goodbye to a big part of my womanhood as I am essentially in menopause. I have been going through huge physical, psychological and emotional changes.
As 2008 came to a close I eventually started to make peace with God's plan - that another biological child was not part of His plan for us. As I let go of this dream, another possibility started to emerge - that we could expand our family through adoption. I plan to keep this blog going throughout 2009 as we go through the adoption process. In a year from now we should have gone through the whole process and will hopefully be on the books waiting to be picked. Eventually this blog will be turned into a book. I'm not sure at which point my story will finish. It might be before we know whether or not we are selected as prospective parents or are perhaps picked by a birth family. It is my SIF experience I want to share - not the happy (?) ending at the end of it all.
SIF has been one of the most traumatic things I've been through in my life. The aftermath of SIF has in a way been a little easier to deal with. I still get triggered by bumps, babies and two child-families. But I'm not as consumed by SIF as I once was. Thank-you to all my readers - all those who've checked in on me off and on and especially those who have followed my story regularly. I have felt your support along the way. I hope you've gained some insight into the strange world of infertility. And if you are an infertile - I hope that God blesses you in a way that you will be able to make peace with.
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