Extreme gratitude for my daughter

I went away this weekend to Greymouth for an assembly to do with a twelve step programme I'm in. It's a four hour trip from Nelson (including a lunch break). I really enjoy these little breaks away (I go to a couple a year) and come back feeling renewed and revitalised.

I had time to think when I was away in a out-of-town-different-perspective kind of a way. I went for a short walk alone yesterday morning and just thought how lucky I am to have my daughter. I have felt this gratitude all along but the consuming feelings of SIF often drowned it. There is a difference between feeling gratitude on a surface level and on a deep level. Many people along the way told me "Be grateful for the one you have" and I often felt guilty that I was only able to feel my gratitude for my daughter on a surface level.

Don't get me wrong; I have always thought of my daughter as nothing short of a gift from God. But I was in too much pain with SIF often to feel my gratitude for her, even though it was there, in a deep way. I have always been able to look at her and be taken aback that she is here most of the time. I think it's a miracle that I did manage to conceive one daughter after all the ups and downs of SIF. Especially as she grows - I can't believe I have a very active and happy three and a half year old right now. I'm just feeling very blessed right now around motherhood.

The last few weeks have been busy and I'm feeling a little pressured/stressed around some upcoming events. Thursday morning I'm doing a test for a work-at-home transcribing job. And at the end of December is the combined stall of myself and four friends at the Richmond Market Day and I haven't done a thing yet - as in painted anything yet to sell! I will get there. I have to say it's nice to be fretting about things outside of SIF! These are not feelings of dread and pain like I often had with SIF - just butterflies/nervous energy really which isn't a bad thing.

I found when I was away this weekend I was able to share about SIF - especially the aftermath without unearthing a whole bunch of painful feelings. It is so much easier to talk about it in the past tense when away in a small town with a group of women mainly older than myself without a bump or any children around. The trick now is keeping that SIF door shut when the bumps and growing families are before me. Sometimes it drifts open in these cirumstances. It is certainly not a black and white process of shutting the door and never looking back.