Life goes on

Now that the door has been shut on my SIF days and I've been able to start moving on; I am feeling a great sense of life just carrying on. I'm not trivialising my pain and grief over the last two years - trust me, it was very real. And still is a lot of the time. But isn't as intense or as consuming. SIF took over my being and my life as well as a lot of the enjoyment I normally have for the simple things in life.

I feel as if I'm back to being "me" again - the-affected-by-SIF -but-moving-on-from-it-version. Life feels as though it is flowing again and I am feeling God's presence quite naturally - I can really feel Him there. Now that the adoption process has started, it feels like other areas of my life are moving forward as well.

SIF hasn't been the only thing I've had to deal with over the last two years. I realised this morning I still have a bit of processing to do around my daughter's diagnosis of ASD a few months back

Today we were going round for a playdate with some kids she doesn't know so well. The MOT phoned first thing to check if it was okay if another couple of kids were there. I said that was fine - it was up to her. They didn't come in the end and my daughter had a great time playing on the trampoline and patting the pet baby rabbits and got on really well with the two girls aged three and two. I was touched that this Mum considered my daughter in her plans.

Also this morning I got phoned by CDS - Child Development Services. They are coming round to observe/assess our daughter at home next week. I felt some tears coming after that phone-call - since it was the second phone-call of the morning centred around my daughter's diagnosis. It was a case of feeling I hope she's going to be alright in life - happy in herself and her relationships with others in particular in the long-term. She is those things right now but it was a real Mum feeling of wanting to protect my girl and for her not to be judged by the world and all that.

We covered her ASD within our informal chat with Adoption Services on Monday. My husband and I agreed that fostering isn't an option for our family as our daughter thrives on routine and doesn't always cope with change. So having kids coming and going would be disruptive. This is also another reason why we wouldn't adopt a child older than her as it would probably throw her off suddenly acquiring a big sister or brother. The guy at Adoption Services didn't recommend adopting an older child anyway.

I guess I'm in a place of really appreciating and embracing all that is precious in my life today. I felt it throughout my SIF battle, just not on a deep level. It's like I've come out of a fog and I can see things clearly again.