Every now and then I notice a small shift or two around my SIF "recovery". I know I'm starting to heal in my own sweet time and it's nice to feel myself getting lighter, with less angst and resentment.
One thing I've been able to do lately is write down other people's due dates in my diary. For the past year I just haven't been able to do that and dreaded the day so-and-so would announce their baby's arrival into the world.
Another shift is I've started feeling some sympathy for the MOT friends I have with babies. I could not go there for so long as having sympathy meant having empathy and I certainly couldn't put myself in their shoes - in was much too painful. So I basically protected myself emotionally by just not going there, or keeping my distance.
This week I've been able to hear the difficulties around having two children from the perspective of a couple of MOTs. What I really get and think is that being a mother for the second time is no easier than the first time round. Experience accounts for something but having an older child and a baby still is a juggling act. I'm beginning to see that a few of my MOT friends have really struggled the second time round and I wasn't able to hear or see that for a while.
Yet another change is I've been able to laugh at some of the silly side-affects of SIF. Such as walking an empty buggy to my daughter's Kindy (since she walks one way and wants to be pushed home). If it wasn't for SIF; there would have been a baby or a toddler in that buggy. I have joked with a couple of people how I haven't really lost it and that I'm well aware that the buggy is childless. Yesterday I saw my Dr - the one who prescribed the anti-depressants and thought to myself: I hope she doesn't think I've really lost it; carting an empty buggy around! Our eyes met when she looked down at the empty buggy so she was obviously thinking something about SIF and the no-baby-in-the-buggy-scenario.
I had two molars extracted yesterday. One in particular really needed to go as it has been giving me grief for the last few years. I kind of feel like I've been through a tooth extraction with SIF. I went through all this pain for a couple of years, then the whole SIF ordeal came to a halt. Now I have this big hole where SIF existed that has been replaced with other stuff - good stuff - in my life. But I'm still making peace with the last two years at the same time. I saw two different bumps with their toddlers today and I felt envious. Yet at the same time I can feel that that just wasn't Gods will for me - to get pregnant again. It's sad but I'm finding it easier to live with.
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