Thanks for checking in

I'm not going to get much of a chance to post much over the next few days so just wanted to say thanks for popping in - I'll be back by Sunday night! I'm having a great time catching up with friends who have travelled from out of town for my 40th and am very much looking forward to my Girls Night Out tonight! It's all about letting the good times roll, at this point!

Celebrating the good times

This morning I'm picking up a close friend from the airport who's come over from Australia to celebrate my 40th. I can't wait as I haven't seen her for two and a half years! Tomorrow another two friends arrive from out of town and then tomorrow night is my Girls Night Out - there are 24 of us going out and everyone is looking forward to it! On Saturday I have 14 adults, and two kids coming for brunch (including our wee family).

Focusing on my birthday celebrations has been very positive. It has injected some excitement and enthusiam into my little world that has been polluted by SIF for what feels like so long. Planning a few events has helped draw me out of myself and to be the fun person that I can be who genuinely enjoys life and sharing a good time with those I love.

It's a week since I finished my last round of Provera and still no AF. So I will phone my Dr next week after all the celebrations are over to see what happens next. Not sure I want to take Provera again, to be honest. I've felt much better since coming off it; I really don't think it has helped me much at all as far as mood swings go.

I have been thinking of my close friend who is a brand-new MOT. As I drove back from the gym last night I asked myself if I was jealous of her. Well yes, of course I am - but I'm not torn apart. Would I want to swap places with her? Maybe. Yet at the same time I do have a great life and I'm starting to embrace it again. I just don't want to be dominated by grief for another baby anymore. There is life beyond the confines of SIF. I'm just starting to really feel and believe that again.

Accepting powerlessness

I had a lovely low-key 40th yesterday. Pretty much a regular day as a SAHM - grocery shopping in the morning and then I went to cafe for some quality "me time" while my daughter was at Kindy and chilled out and read a mag. It was great. I had a few birthday ph calls, texts and emails and birthday deliveries which was nice. I certainly felt the love!

Around noon a courier van arrived with a big bunch of helium balloons from my sister and niece in Australia and a big bunch of flowers from my husband. Of course my almost-three and a half year old assumed the balloons were for her and got quite attached to them. I even tied them to the buggy on our walk to Kindy and back!

We attempted to have a wee family birthday dinner but it kind of went to custard. I made home-made pizza followed by chocolate cake (which my husband baked the night before). When a friend and her three year old turned up bearing gifts, I was down the drive-way retrieving some balloons another friend put on our letterbox. My husband had tied the balloons to our daughter's wrist, she went inside, he took the balloons off her wrist and then she dashed outside again. It was a disaster waiting to happen - helium balloons, a three year old and a windy day. When I came back my husband and daughter were standing looking very stunned outside our house as the (helium) balloons had escaped my daughter's grasp. My husband pointed and we all watched helplessfully as the balloons that were now small but distinct dots were rapidly swept into the distance.

I was quite upset but our daughter took it really badly. She cried for a good hour and couldn't understand why one of us couldn't just climb on the roof and reach up into the sky and get the balloons! When she calmed down, she eventually grasped the concept that the balloons were gone for good and there was nothing we could do to get them back. I said to my husband it was actually the first great loss she's experienced in her wee life. As parents all we can do is let her feel her feelings and help give her the skills to cope with loss.

Of course, none of us know what life will throw at us - what losses we will endure, just that there will be inevitably some of them. I felt a pang of sadness as the balloons drifted away. I loved the balloons - they were colourful, fun and one of the most original birthday presents I was ever given. They brightened my day - and my daughter's (!) for a few short hours and then they were gone - perhaps bringing joy to others as they flew across Nelson to God-knows-where!

Yesterday I got a text from a close friend saying she'd had her second child - the day before my birthday. I was genuinely happy for her. I still have elements of the why-didn't-it-happen-to-me (another child) especially when others are blessed with their bundles of joy, but I seem to have a greater deal of acceptance these days around the simple fact that it didn't happen. As I keep saying, I still believe it could perhaps happen for me but I'm not holding my breath anymore. It really feels like it's time for me to move on - and I have already started doing so.

I still have to protect and be gentle with myself, however as the desire to have another baby is still very much there. I just don't feel as riddled with jealousy and resentment as I once was. I"m not an avid MOT-hater; yet at the same time, I don't purposefully seek out MOTs to hang with. The feelings of grief and loss are there but they don't overwhelm me as much.

I suppose several things have contributed to this such as leaving Playgroup and only going to Music every now and then - these were the environments I found to be extremely challenging as they were riddled with MOTS and bumps. My daughter starting Kindy this month has just reinforced the fact I'm in a new phase in motherhood and I am enjoying having some free time in the afternoons.

Turning 40 is helping turn things around too - I really want to embrace some of the dreams I haven't yet acted on in my life. As I let go of my baby dreams in a I-can't-make-it-happen kind of a way, it isn't unlike the feeling I had as I watched my balloons take off into the late afternoon sky yesterday - and that is a sense of utter and complete powerlessness.

Happy Birthday To Me!

My second appointment with the "healer lady" has been prosponed til next Tuesday as she has a cold. I'm a little disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing her today, on my birthday. Oh well, now I'll be able to go to a cafe and perhaps a walk on the beach instead while my daughter's at afternoon Kindy. It will be good to just chill out as I have been racing around a bit getting everything organised for my 40th celebrations this weekend.

I do feel a sense of excitement at turning 40. It's an opportunity to start a new chapter for once and for all. I feel as though I am in a very different place around the whole TTC deal. It's like it isn't relevant to me right now. I missed the boat around when I thought I'd have a second child, so it's a case of accepting that it didn't happen for me. I really believed for a while that I would have a second child by the time I reached 40.

It is hard to explain but there is a big shift going on in regards to just accepting what has happened and moving on from there. I have not given up TTC - I am just approaching it in a very different way. It truly is about handing my baby wishes over to God now while trusting that it could happen for me. But this desire to have another baby doesn't feel as desperate as it once did. God has made it clear that my priority is sorting out some of issues that have come up as a consequence of SIF. All I have to do is follow God's lead - there may be a baby at the end of it all, afterall.

I kind of feel like I'm at Point A and have been walking up an enormous mountain to get to Point B. I'm nearing the summit but how much longer it'll take to get to the top, I'm not sure. I'm just taking it one step at a time.

My thoughts on turning 40? It's just for me about celebrating my life as it is today - and all the wonderful experiences I've had. My friends, my family, my adventures around the globe, my creativity, life in Nelson - and everything in between. When I turned 30 I felt my confidence and self-assurance as a woman changed. The same can be said about turning 40. Brighter days are just around the corner. They may have in fact already begun.

Things can only get better

On the eve of my 40th birthday, I feel very strongly that things are on their way up from here on in. I pretty much have the answers to all the questions I've had for a while around SIF/premature menopause and now have the ASD diagnosis for my daughter. So there is so need for wondering or trying to put the missing pieces together for two very different jigsaw puzzles that I've been doing for what has felt like a very long time.

I have started reading Inconceivable (the first three chapters) and see myself in Julia Indichova as her eyes open up to the possibility of another baby coming along, despite the medical odds. The thing is, I'm now going down this unexpected route of the help of a vibrational healer (next appointment tomorrow), while reading Julia's books and the crux of it is simple - it's about focusing on the mind-body connection. The way I see it, is some healing does need to happen at this point in time for me around SIF. Two years of SIF unearthed some underlying issues and I know and feel that they need to be turned around/worked on before another baby can come along.

I already feel like something shifted this week after my first appointment with the "healer lady" (as I fondly call her in my head!). I had a couple of days of feeling so, very, very exhausted and down and then a day of releasing it all through an ocean of tears. I've felt a lot lighter ever since. I would go so far to even say I felt good - even great yesterday! When you've felt stifled by your own shit for what seems like forever, a good day is a God-send, I tell you!

I reckon I am seeing the pay-offs for all my hard work in the self-care department during what has been a very tumultuous time. I did the RPM class at the gym on the way to work yesterday. I'm really enjoying that class at the moment - all the adrendlin and sweat that comes with forty-five minutes of hill climbs and hard-out spinning on a stationary bike to house music does it for me somehow! I was on a high for a lot of the day afterwards.

I can understand why some say that life begins at 40. I think this is because once you have reached forty you have had enough life experience to realise that you win some, and you lose some. You know that life is not always a bed of roses yet at the same time, that it is so very short and it is up to you, and you alone, to make the most of what you have. For me that means turning around the major road-blocks that have cropped up in my life. It's about choosing to grow from the unpleasant experiences I didn't necessarily choose. I have done this in the past and am now doing this with SIF.

What this means for me is that two years of SIF is leading me to new territory, new opportunities. Perhaps I will not become a MOT. I believe I could, but I may not. Regardless of whether I do or not, God is opening the doors of my heart and mind to greener pastures. I have been thinking the last couple of days that it is time to do some of the things that I really want to do in life. I am ready to give some of my forgotten and stifled dreams a go. As I let go of the intensity of SIF and the powerful hold it had on me for so long, I can feel myself moving to a better place.

I have been through a lot

This'll be a short post for me - I know, that doesn't happen much! ;). I missed the window for blogging this morning and feel out of sync tuning in in the evening. But I thought I would, all the same. All I have to say really is that I have been able to look at my situation objectively lately and think that yes, I have been through a lot lately. I am continuing to be as kind to myself as possible as it is early days still around receiving this new information (my half-diagnosis of premature menopause and my daughter's diagnosis of ASD).

I have had a day of pampering today. Next Friday is my Girls Night Out for my 40th so I had a hair-cut and colour. Then I spent around two hours trying on clothes in town. I came out with a dress that I am wearing to my 40th brunch the next day. I didn't like a lot of the clothes in store right now so have just had a try-on session with some of the clothes I already have. I have some fun tops so will probably just go with those teemed with black pants and boots. I'm being a practical Virgo here - not buying things I don't really need or don't even like that much.

Julia Indichova's books that I ordered from Amazon at the beginning of the month arrived yesterday in the post. I will look forward to starting Inconceivable tonight! AF hasn't arrived, however. It's been a couple of days post-Provera so I hope she's packed her bags and is on her way as I am waiting rather anxiously for her!

Lots of processing

It feels as though I'm finally getting some answers for several big questions I've had hovering over me for quite some time. Firstly there's my hormonal imbalance which has been confirmed via one round of blood tests (still waiting to do round two). Secondly the social issues with my daughter have finally been addressed as she was given a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder this week.

It is only early days for both lots of news so there is lots of processing going on with me. Yesterday after I dropped my daughter off at Kindy, a MOT in the carpark asked what was wrong with my daughter. She'd overheard me talking to the Head Teacher and was checking in that everything was okay. She then said "I thought you were going to have another one" - as in child, of course. So then I disclosed that I had been going through SIF for the last two years to which she replied "It's not a very good time for you, is it?" Well, no, it hasn't been the best of times but things are definitely on the up.

Getting answers involves being real with what is going on yet at least it does mean I can start moving forward. It was actually when I was flailing about in no-mans land with SIF and my daughter's social stuff was undiagnosed that things were really hard. I'm still just as emotional but in the process of letting go of months of stress and tension, I believe. Because now that I pretty much know what is going on with everything, I can feel my feelings around it all, if that makes sense.

Already I am reluctant to share my daughter's diagnosis with all and sundry. It isn't anything to be ashamed of yet people like to label and there is room for it becoming a negative. My husband and I have pretty much agreed we'll share our daughter's diagnosis on a need-to-know basis. Tricky for me though as I am quite an open book. But I don't think every parent I cross paths with needs to know what's going on.

I shed a lot of tears yesterday. In some ways it's like a release of all the tension I've felt around my daughter's social stuff these last few months as it hasn't been easy on top of my hormonal imbalance/SIF. Of course there is some sorrow midst my daughter's diagnosis. It has been a challenge and a lot of hard work for me monitoring her socially. I've had angry parents, upset children, and judgemental adults out there to deal with along the way. The paediatrician gave me a folder for Autism New Zealand Inc which is essentially a support group so I will look into signing up with them as it looks like it will definitely be worthwhile and I'm not shy when it comes to signing up with support groups.

I took my last Provera pill last night (after a 10 day course) so waiting for AF to arrive now. Last time on Provera AF was here by the time I took my last pill so hopefully she comes soon. I'm really keen to keep things moving and have my blood tests on day three of my next cycle so I can start sorting out this hormonal imbalance of mine.

Deep breaths

Oh man, my stress levels have been sky-rocketing of late. It's just been a series of several things piling up. It's like the "healer lady" picked up - I am operating in high anxiety mode right now.

Yesterday I took my daughter for an appointment with a Paediatrician. This was the referral appointment we got as per observations/recommendations from her (former) Playgroup, Plunket, our family Dr and a general gut feeling I had, that some of her social behaviour was perhaps indicative of something along the lines of Aspergers Syndrome. After what seemed like a lengthy appointment (slightly over an hour), a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder was made. This is of course not set in stone. This was based on questions asked yesterday only.

Although it is good to know what's going on, no parent wants their child put in a box so it isn't the easiest news to process. If you are a friend or family member reading this post, please keep this information under your hat as we haven't fully discussed it as husband and wife. We have another appointment with the Paediatrician in about two months and in the meantime will have an appointment with Child Development Services up at the hospital who will give us tips/help in different areas of our daughter's development.

I guess being a MOO, I'm aware that there is the potential to want to bundle my only child up in cotton wool. But I feel this diagnosis can be and should be seen as a positive thing. Since I hinted to my daughter's Kindy for instance that she may have something like this going on, they have been in tune with where she's been at and she is thriving. They have been encouraging eye contact, for instance and just in three short weeks she has improved immensely on that front.

At least I'm getting some answers to some questions I've had for many months in regards to my own health issues and my daughter's social issues. It is not easy getting the cold, hard facts but at least it gives us a point of reference to work from.

When it rains, it pours. As far as my emotional plate goes; it is full. I can't take on anything else right now thank-you God.

"Healer lady" debrief

I had my appointment with the "natural healing therapist/vibrational healer" (click on each respective description for more info) yesterday. As soon as I walked into her room I could feel the good vibes. She is a striking woman in perhaps her late forties/early fifties with blonde hair and electric blue eyes. And very warm and loving.

Anyway she got me to sit down in a chair for a few minutes. The first thing she picked up was that I was feeling very "stuck" and that I was on the brink of tears all the time and that I was suffering from high anxiety. She was spot-on with this and of course my eyes welled up with tears as she described exactly how I feel emotionally right now. I then explained where I was at: secondary infertility/premature menopause. She said she had treated thousands of people and was confident she could help me too. She claimed to have helped women conceive who hadn't been successful on IVF.

Next I lay on a bed on my back with my eyes closed for perhaps twenty minutes. She told me to relax and said I had trouble relaxing at this point. I'm not sure what she was doing, but every now and then I would feel a hand on a part of my body. You are fully clothed during all this, so it is very different to having a massage, for instance. I told her afterwards I felt blasts of cold air and thought it was because the window was open. Well the window was only slightly open and she claimed the blasts of cold air that felt as though they were coming out of my body were just part of the healing process. A very wierd sensation - especially from my right ankle which is connected to reproduction, she said.

She asked me to turn over on to my stomach for a bit - perhaps another five, ten minutes. She is essentially clarivoyant but not in a "you are going to have two kids and live in a blue house" kind of a way. She basically picks up what is relevant to the healing at the time. So with me she picked up on lots of little physical elements that came out quite randomly such as: I was exhausted and either had energy or didn't - and when I didn't I crashed, I have a lot of tension in my back and shoulders, I have a dry mouth - caused by medication, sometimes I have slurred speech and memory blanks, my back is out and my endocrine system is all over the place right now.

She was spot-on with everything. I do have a dry mouth as a result of taking Provera right now which makes me excessively thirsty. I know most parents are tired but I've been exhausted as she said - last night for instance I was falling asleep in front of the tv at 9.15pm. These declines in energy happen very rapidly as she described - I got back from the gym at eight feeling pretty good then within an hour was ready for bed! I have always carried tension in my back and shoulders but right now I certainly feel a lot more tense than usual. And when I am highly stressed, my speech/memory can be affected which has been happening a little bit lately.

She asked me to come back next Tuesday which happens to be my 40th birthday. I'm happy to go back as I do trust her. She's not the first professional throughout my SIF journey to claim she could help me. A herbalist, an acupuncturist, Drs and my gyno have all been optimistic. Yet, this woman is the first women I believe could really help me. I don't know why as I don't understand much at all about vibrational healing. With all the other professionals, I felt as though they were missing something yet I feel on some level that this woman has found the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Perhaps I am just really desperate - I don't know who else to turn to at this point. But I have nothing to lose do I.

She said I'll get a period next week - which I will because I have two more days on Provera. That one will be a clean-out then she seemed to think after that my periods may come back. That will be interesting, to see if that happens. She said I shouldn't go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and to shop around for alternatives.

When I left she gave me a warm hug and said again she was sure she could help me. The thing is, I was going in with my hormonal imbalance at the fore-front; not another baby. Yet I left feeling like that had turned around again. That somehow this is all connected to having another baby. I haven't magically healed as a result of my first session with her. She said I may in fact feel worse as part of the healing process. I'm looking forward to going back next week as that appointment is going to concide with getting back my blood test results back so it's going to be nice to have someone "on side" as such when I get the medical perspective.

Days gone by

Yesterday while my daughter was at Kindy I went for a lovely long walk on Tahuna Beach. Afterwards I went to a cafe and read one of the gossipy mags provided at the cafe while sipping herbal tea and savouring a chocolate brownie. It was great. It was almost a spring-like day and I got my dose of vitamin D.

Towards the end of my time at the cafe three women parked up next to me with their babies in their buggies. Clearly they'd all been for a long walk and were rewarding themselves with a visit to a cafe. As soon as they sat down, the baby talk started - where their off-spring were at with speech, crawling/standing up etc. I had a pang of I could have done my time with all that. At the same time I felt proud that I have been a stay at home Mum (SAHM) for almost three and a half years.

Everyone always says the time goes fast when your kids - or in my case - kid is growing up. It does and it doesn't. When you are dealing with sleepless nights, housebound days, and challenging times as a parent - sometimes one particular stage can feel as though you are stuck in a bit of a time-warp. Don't get me wrong, I have cherished being a parent right from the word go. But part of being a parent is accepting the good with the bad. The good has definitely outweighed the bad - otherwise I wouldn't have been praying for another shot at motherhood all this time!

I breast-fed my daughter til she was slightly over three. It was a very natural discontinuation of breast-feeding - basically once her day-naps stopped; the feeds did. So I didn't go through the grief some Mums do around breastfeeding ending. The last year or so the day naps were pretty much the only feeds she had and I knew they were coming to an end so I relished cuddling up with my daughter in bed as she had a wee suckle then drifted off to sleep. I would have a nap with her as I knew one day these naps would be no more.

I guess I'm trying to say I have no regrets as a SAHM. We've lived primarily off one income all this time. That too has been a challenge at times but we've coped. It's meant we've had to put our dream of house ownership on hold for a few years but it has been worth it. We don't have family that live permanently in the same town that can care for our daughter so it has been solely up to my husband and I to look after her these past few years.

I think we've done bloody well. It has meant a lot of tag-teaming and now as my daughter enters her third week in (afternoon) Kindy, the rewards of parenting her the way we have are showing themselves. Our daughter has always been a wee bit clingy/a Mummy's girl so there have only been a couple of other adults we've been able to leave her with when my husband and I have wanted to go on the odd date or I've needed to go to an appointment. So it is very rewarding to see how settled and confident she is in Kindy now.

I'm not advocating that any kind of parenting is right or wrong here - we all have our different parenting styles and beliefs. I'm just saying that our parenting styles and beliefs seem to have matched our daughter.

I feel like I have entered/am entering a new life stage on so many levels. It is a case of days gone by as a Mum of a baby, then toddler now my daughter is in Kindy and well and truly a preschooler. At the same time I am facing the double whammy of secondary infertility and premature menopause. No wonder I am overwhelmed some days.

But today I feel okay - good even. That lovely long walk on the beach in the sunshine helped yesterday, as did an early night as well as a chat with my own Mum about menopause. It has meant a lot to me to be able to talk to her about the symptoms and the psychological/emotional changes that come with menopause as she's been through it all of course. I'm not mad - just going through a transitional period. Or as some call it " the change of life".

A lot of unraveling to do

It is becoming clear to me that there is quite a mass of emotional stuff for me to untangle that has surfaced as a result of my experiences with secondary infertility and my underlying ovarian failure /premature menopause. I am sad another baby hasn't come along for us and although I do still hold a very small amount of hope that that could perhaps still happen for us; I don't spend a lot of time obsessing/thinking about it at this point. Sure, I get triggered still by bumps and MOTs and all that, but my focus right now has to be on getting me sorted out, not pining for what I don't have.

I've been really struggling emotionally lately and have had to just pull out all the stops to survive. That means early nights - or at least earlier nights than I was having and loads of exercise. I feel like quite the mad woman right now yet from what I've read about hormonal imbalances; it is not uncommon to feel emotionally like you are losing it or to suffer from depression especially when in early or premature menopause. It is somewhat reassuring to read on the Net that essentially the younger you are when you enter menopause; the more severe the symptoms. I used to think my emotional state was a lot to do with secondary infertility - it partly is but it is mainly an inability at this point to keep myself afloat for long. It is so very hard to move past things or cope with some of the basics in life when I feel so overwhelmed emotionally most of the time.

I went to an RPM/spinning class yesterday before work. I really enjoyed doing a class first thing at 8.30am. Normally I go to the gym in the evening - around 5.30/6.30pm so it was great to go at the beginning of the day. I'm going to go again this afternoon while my daughter is at Kindy to do some weights. With my unmanageable mood swings of late, I will go to the gym earlier in the day when I can. I have noticed the afternoons are often when I feel pretty flat/depressed. No doubt because I'm tired then and it all catches up with me. Luckily now my daughter is in (afternoon) Kindy I have three afternoons a week to myself. This is an indication to me that God is here with me at this time, orchestrating things to help me a little.

I feel like I kind of know where I'd like to be at in my life in several areas but don't quite know how to get there. It is very clear there are some big emotional blocks going on. In a way my obsession with another baby for so long disguised what was going on beneath. So I suppose I now have the opportunity to look deeply at things.

It will be interesting to hear what the "healer lady" says tomorrow about things. She phoned last night to confirm the appointment. I really want to resume life as normal asap. So the sooner I start facing my issues and work on balancing my hormones, the better.

Exercise is my saviour right now

The mood swings I've been experiencing for months are such a challenge to live with. It seems I can fall to a plummeting low even when I was feeling okay minutes/hours before. It is disconcerting that I don't have complete control over my emotional state right now.

I look at my life and see all the great things in it and think I could/should be happy but sometimes I'm not. That both upsets and worries me. It seems exercise is the only thing that can shift these moods. I was feeling like this yesterday afternoon then went and did a Bodyjam class last night and felt a whole heap better. The intro part of the class (a half hour session that breaks down all of the dance moves) wasn't on as the instructor was away so I went and did some weights. I felt heaps better doing that, even. It seems so long as I am moving my body physically in some fashion - be it walking, yoga/pilates, weights, or a cardio work-out; I feel much better.

There is no denying that my menopausal symptoms are increasing. I have hot flushes/flashes several times a day now and night sweats several times a night. I'm pretty sure being on Provera right now is only aggravating my mood swings/depression.

Sigh. I so look forward to this all getting sorted out. I just told my husband I think I'm going to have to go to the gym just about every day right now in an attempt to manage my mood swings. It is just awful feeling flat/depressed for what feels like no reason. I'm not consumed around the whole TTC deal anymore so it's not about that. I guess I've accepted things are where they are at and the most important thing of all is getting me sorted out.

Accepting life on life's terms

Although I am struggling somewhat with living with a hormonal imbalance; I do know that it is in the process of being sorted out. I have a lot more acceptance around where things are at and am being really gentle with myself at a time in which I am emotionally vulnerable. Some days it feels as though the extra loving care I give myself makes no difference; other days I can feel a shift in my being.

Today is one of those days. I have woken up feeling at peace with it all which is a priceless place to be in. There is a lot of stuff yet to be worked out still but it is all happening in God's time. I am very much one for forcing solutions or hurrying processes along. Yet I have to just accept that things are being worked out in God's time.

There are so many little steps along the way to get from A (where I am now) to B (getting my hormones sorted out). I've taken Provera for the last three days (seven more days to go) to bring along AF. Then on day three of my next "cycle" I'm going in for another round of blood tests (including FSH). I will schedule in an appointment with my Dr a few days after the blood tests so I can talk about my options/diagnosis in regards to hormonal imbalance/infertility. So there is a plan - it's just going to take another two weeks from this point to get to my Dr's appointment. Patience is a virtue!...

The Dr's appointment is going to coincide with my 40th birthday. Luckily, despite the roller-coaster ride of the last few months in particular, I was able to plan some birthday celebrations. So two weeks today I have a Girls Night Out planned. There are around sixteen of us going out - doing Bodyjam at the gym, then going out for dinner and dancing. The next day I have a brunch at work (where I work on Sundays) with ten family members and close friends. I'm so glad I'm able to celebrate midst the crossroads I'm at at this point.

Yesterday I went into town while my daughter was at Kindy and browsed around the woman's clothing stores for a new outfit for my night out. I didn't find anything but will try again next week at some different shops. I missed my daughter's company yesterday as I left her for an hour and a half at Kindy. She had a great time and her confidence is growing every time she goes. It was strange being in town without a feisty three year old to run after - it might take me a few weeks to get used to this new-found "me-time." Not that I'm not enjoying it, don't get me wrong. I've just spent every week day for the last three and a half years with my daughter so I'm still adjusting to the change in our weekly schedule.

A shift has definitely occurred for me within motherhood. Up until two weeks ago I took care of my daughter all week except for Sundays, when I go to work. Now that she is in Kindy, she is being looked after/taught by four/five different Kindy teachers three afternoons a week. This has given the two of us a new level of independence. As a Mum it reinforces my role to guide her in life - to help her spread her wings and gain confidence in different situations. But it is like a wee goodbye on some level. There is some grief yet I have so much pride for my daughter as she blossoms into a little girl, even without me right my her side.

Facing my hormonal imbalance

I think my infertility woes masked an underlying problem for many months - that been my hormonal imbalance. However my infertility has been pushed aside for now as I focus on getting me back on track again.

Now I know I am hormonally imbalanced; I am more in tune with my symptoms. I have night sweats and hot flushes, mood swings, depression, and exhaustion, along with just about every other symptom listed within the average site about hormonal imbalances. I trust God that another baby could be a possibility at this point yet my attention is on getting my body and mind back in sync again.

I guess because I'm not so desperately participating in the fertility-race, people's passing comments don't upset me quite as much as they used to. Yesterday a MOT at my daughter's gymnastics class made the comment (meant in a humourous way) as her kids raced madly around the room "It makes you wonder why you wanted two." (children). She doesn't know about my SIF so I just smiled. I had to take a step back and think well if I'd had two children easily perhaps I would have cracked jokes like that too. Who knows. I used to expend a lot of energy getting rattled by what I thought were insensitive comments out there around TTC but now I am quite detached about them. My energy has to go into healing myself - that's it. It has certainly helped leaving Playgroup and attending Music casually as I have lost that weekly exposure to environments full of growing families.

I have been doing a bit of research on the Net around how to treat hormonal imbalances. I will start with my Dr to get the medicial perspective but will also look into alternatives such as progesterone cream, and herbs. I am really looking forward to getting this sorted out. This continuous "flat" mood that I seem to be in just doesn't feel good at all. It seems I have to work so very hard to keep myself in equilibrium.

I am doing everything in my power to help myself at this time - early nights, going to the gym, taking a daily womens multi-vitamin along with a prenatal vitamin, vitamin C and spirulina smoothies. I'm eating well and have amended my diet a little as per The Fertility Diet. However I am allowing myself treats again that I didn't allow myself for many, many months. After my chemical pregnancy in Dec '06; I thought I (and my diet) was to blame for my loss. So I eliminated sugar, caffeine and alcohol from my diet. It was almost as though I was punishing myself on some level. I will stay off the caffeine however I will have a sugary treat if I feel like it as well as the (very) occasional alcoholic beverage.

There is so much information out there - which is great - but at the same time, I am tuning into me and what feels right for me diet-wise. That means the occasional chocolate brownie or glass of wine is not off limits. This is all part of reaching a balance with taking care of myself while allowing a bit of harmless indulgence every now and then.

Loving the extra "me" time!

My daughter is doing so well at Kindy and I'm so proud of her. I feel confident that I will be able to leave her for pretty much for the full session on Thursday. She is blossoming already and is forming relationships with the teachers and playing with the other Kindy kids well.

I left my daughter at Kindy for an hour yesterday and went to a local cafe. I ordered a cup of herbal tea and a chocolate brownie and did some brainstorming around a radio script competition I'm planning to enter next month. It was pure bliss. I love hanging out in cafes alone in the middle of the day when most of the world is out there buzzing around. It feels like such a treat and I relished it yesterday!

I feel as though I am being rewarded for three and a half years of being a stay-at-home Mum and two years of TTC/infertility wars. It is only two hours, three times a week that my daughter goes to Kindy - and a little less than that when you include dropping off and picking up times. But it's time for me to do whatever the hell I want! I'm thinking I might do my weights on a Monday arvo now - instead of at night. Tuesdays I might make my cafe outing for the week. And Thursdays - perhaps back to the gym for more weights or else - whatever I feel like doing on the day!

I have been asked several times what I'll do with the extra time, especially when people have found out I am a MOO. One MOT at the Stress Free Parenting course I did the last three Mondays expressed a wee bit of jealousy when I said I might just go to a cafe alone. Well, if this is one of my consolation prizes for not being a MOT right now; then I'll take it!

I'm just going to focus on doing things that make me happy/keep me sane. I might go to the gym a bit more. It's all for stress management that I work-out - I am not worried about fat-burning for instance. If anything I've been trying to put on a wee bit of weight over the last few months, esp. post-op. So I think I'm going to the gym for the right reasons. I feel so good during my work-outs and afterwards - it is so wonder I keep wanting to go back. Also from what I've read about hormonal imbalances; daily exercise is encouraged.

Appointment with "healer lady"

I liked the sound of the "healer lady" (recommended to me by a friend) on the phone yesterday so I have made an appointment for next week. I didn't tell her why I was coming - just asked what she did. She claims to have a gift for being able to pick up people's problem areas and her approach is a combination of talking/hands-on therapy. She is an ex-nurse and sounded genuine to me. This is exactly what kind of help I feel I need right now. I will give her a go.

I left my daughter by herself at Kindy yesterday - just for twenty minutes while I went up the road to the pharmacy. I knew yesterday was the day I was ready to leave her! Dressed in her matching pink heart raincoat and gumboots with her new Kindy bag on her back, she looked like a real Kindy kid as she trotted happily down the road slightly ahead of me. I knew she was ready for the next step and it was time to give her her independence.

She was fully engaged at the arts table with a whole lot of her peers and a Kindy teacher and was absolutely fine when I left. I came back and I was like a spare part, really. She's slotting in really well to Kindy and it was so cute seeing her sitting down at a table and having afternoon tea with all the other kids. I'm planning to leave her for an hour or so today. I'm really pleased she's enjoying it and just have to let go not so much around leaving her but around the social stuff. If something happens there are three very capable teachers around to deal with it. I trust them - they are great teachers and the Kindy has an overall very warm and loving vibe.

I went down to the pharmacy to pick up some more Provera while my daughter was at Kindy only to discover I didn't have a script afterall- just a receipt. I walked down to my Dr's (just a few doors down) and asked for another script and the receptionist charged me $12. I thought I am paying $12 to have a period!! What have things come to?!

I feel as though I have had so many balls in the air for so long but now I'm beginning to sort them out. It's a slow process, but I am making progress.

Monday blues

I feel a bit flat this morning. The good thing is I'm starting to see that my mood swings aren't just because of the whole infertility deal. Now that I have decided to believe that another baby is a possibility for us, it is clear that my moods are independent of what is going on in my life. Sure, all the TTC negativity of late doesn't help, but it is more than that. It really is time to get this hormonal imbalance of mine sorted out.

A little plan is emerging around this. Today I'm going to go to the chemist to get another round of Provera (I already have the script from last time). AF was due last Wednesday and hasn't arrived. So I'm just going to do it - take the Provera and hope AF comes so I can do my day three FSH tests shortly afterwards. Once I get my blood tests back I am going to go into my Dr to talk about the medical options for correcting my hormonal balance. I don't want to do HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but I know there are hormonal supplements you can take. I need to go in and get my Dr's perspective I think. In the meantime I feel my first port of call is with this healer lady recommended by a friend so if I like the sound of her over the phone, I will make an appointment. I'll phone around a few herbalists as well.

Funds are limited but I wouldn't mind giving acupuncuture a go. I did the whole acupuncuture and herbs thing the first year of TTC no. two baby. Neither worked for me then. I didn't trust my acupuncturist or my herbalist though back then - I simply didn't really believe they could help me. The reason why is they were both so off the mark around where I was at - neither believed my irregular cycles could be indicative of premature menopause. "You're too young" they declared and even though I wanted to believe them; I knew my cycles that were becoming further and further apart were happening because of an underlying medical/biological reason. This time round I would choose professionals that are able to approach my situation in a optimistic, yet realistic fashion.

It is a time of getting things back in balance. As I start to unravel the mess that has been my rocky emotional world for the last almost two years, other parts of my life are starting to swing back into balance. Last night hubby and I played a round of Scrabble. Time together that isn't in front of the tv or computer screens (on our respective computers that sit side by side) is a rare thing so I am trying to make a real effort to make quality time for us.

Almost two years of been in the infertility wars is like being hit by a bus in a sense. I am now giving myself some time to heal after the accident. It does feel like a much-needed slow and gentle period of recovery has just started.

Turning inwards for guidance

My gyno finally called me back yesterday. I initially called him three weeks ago to touch base around things. He's only in his surgery a couple of times a week so chances of catching him are pretty slim since he's often busy with clients when I call. He did phone me back last week but I was out and he'd left when I phoned him back. It always feels like a small miracle when I get to have an actual phone conversation with him (rather than talking to his receptionist or receiving letters in the mail).

I'm so glad that I decided that the medical perspective is just that - the medical perspective. Otherwise yesterday's phone-call would have well and truly put a downer on things. Basically my gyno said my high FSH levels were indicative of premature menopause and that he would need to consult with another Dr as to what comes next if my next round of bloods come back with high FSH levels. He wasn't sure if it was worthwhile putting me on Clomid again and said my FSH levels were too high for IVF.

Hello - I know this already. Thank God for the internet as I am up to speed around what my medical options are. It really seems as though I am several steps ahead of my gyno. It is me who has pushed for the blood tests through my Dr. When I said I had organised to do day three bloods next cycle he said to make sure a copy of the results was sent to him. Say what?! Of course I have planned for that already, but it feels as though I am leading the way with things, rather than my gyno.

He did say that during my surgery my ovary looked good, but said perhaps it wasn't functioning. (afterall).

Admittedly, the phone-call with my gyno yesterday has brought me down a notch. Yet I'm still coaxing myself through all this medical negativity and trying to focus on the possibility that another baby could still come along.

In the meantime I have started phoning around, looking for some "alternative" help. I talked to a woman yesterday who does "body talk" and massage. I talked to her for a bit and it sounds as though she recommends her clients with hormonal imbalances like myself work with a herbalist/naturopath while seeking treatment from her. So I really think the next step for me is going back to the herbs etc to get my hormones in balance. Like it or not, my reality is that my hormones are off balance and I won't feel on an emotional even keel until I get those sorted out. This woman mentioned that too - that from her own personal experience of being hormonally imbalanced she felt flat with no libido until she sought help. That is where I'm at. It seems I have to work pretty hard to erect myself emotionally and sexually these days.

I'm not sure I will actually use the services of this woman I spoke to. I have the number of a "healer" who a friend saw when she had problems TTC her first child. I will try her next on the phone. I will also try some of the highly recommended herbalists in the region. I saw one just before I conceived my daughter when I had painful periods; she was great. So I'll definitely give her a call.

Thank goodness God has been guiding me to get myself sorted out. If I'd been waiting around for my gyno's input, I would be well and truly devastated right now. He mentioned it would take around four weeks to get a letter/phone-call back from the Dr he is planning to consult with after my next round of bloods. So I'm glad I have let go of expecting the medical world to resolve my hormonal/infertility issues right now.

The main focus right now is getting me sorted out. I didn't have an early night last night as I stayed up to watch the final of The Batchelor (oh why, oh why!). I'm jaded today - I should have known better. Early nights certainly help so I will try to have them as much as possible.

Taking it easy

I have mellowed a lot more this week after unofficially getting back on the TTC horse again. It feels so much better to believe it could still happen for me. Yet at the same time, I am able to let go of the TTC outcome and have felt more present and in tune with the rest of my life as a result.

I'm planning to stay in this space where I view having another baby as a possibility. It feels like I've really handed my baby dreams over to God. A week ago I had handed my baby dreams over to the medical world because of one simple diagnosis and that depressed the hell out of me. I essentially made the medical world my God around this - as in God never pulled the plug on me TTC - it was only my belief that the medical perspective was the right one that lead me to closing the door on TTC. (if only for a week or so).

I am being much kinder to myself. My daughter is an early riser - typically around 5am. I go to bed too late most nights so have really been trying to get to bed around 9pm as much as possible. I still read for a bit but at least I'm in bed. Getting enough sleep definitely helps things.

My daughter had her first week at Kindy this week. All in all it went well. However it may take her a little while to settle in so I am happy to stay there for a bit longer. She may or may not have Aspergers Sydrome - we are in the process of getting that sorted out. In a nutshell this means she gets overwhelmed in group situations/change/kids coming into her space. It is hard for me as a parent to witness her inability to join in at this point. She'll play with groups of three of four kids quite happily for short periods of time but most of the time wants her own space. Anyway, I am trusting that God is guiding me with this and that we will get some answers in time.

I feel so much better this week. This is a result of a huge turnaround in faith. I didn't trust God with the second baby outcome for many months. I thought the writing was on the wall and God was showing me it was all over. But it has been a big lesson in faith. I don't need to understand how such a dire medical diagnosis could lead to another baby - I am just believing that it could. That is God's job to work out the "how" - not mine.

Allowing myself to dream a little

Even though I am excited and relieved to have changed tack around TTC; it is a bit of a challenge. I suppose I have been wired/addressing my fertility issues a certain way for so long that it is a case of old habits dying hard.

I really feel as if a big dark cloud was parked above me right from the onset of TTC for a second baby. I was given the dismal warning that I could enter premature menopause when I lost an ovary when my daughter was born. So that has been my fear for almost three and a half years! Advocates of the law of attraction would say I worried myself into my current biological state and perhaps I did. Anyway I am now choosing to ignore the medical perspective and to just carry on with TTC.

I have a MOT friend who had some "healing" work done when TTC her first child who took four years to arrive. I'm going to look into it. I feel like I need a clean slate. This negativity really needs to be shifted before I can move forward properly.

However, I have been allowing myself to dream a little around the possibility of having another baby. That was something I wasn't able to do for a very long time as I thought I would be both kidding and hurting myself thinking about a dream baby. So I suppose I have started visualising. I can see and feel another baby at this point. Some may think I'm nuts, but I feel as though this baby is waiting in the wings and I just have to work out how to let her in to our lives. Yes, I think it's a girl. I had similar feelings even before TTC our daughter. I knew there was a girl waiting to enter our lives. It was as though I could sense her spirit out there.

I have nothing to lose thinking this way. In fact it frees up my time and energy allowing myself to think about our possible baby to be. It is a much nicer space to be in than in the one where I was grieving the baby I was so sure was meant to come along and looked like it wasn't.

Who knows. At the very least it makes an interesting personal experiment around the mind-body connection. It feels like an exciting new adventure and much more positive than the dire waters I have been swimming in for the last few months.

I am so exhausted. All the emotional ups and downs of the last twenty-two months have been so very taxing. I am attempting to get to bed earlier some nights of the week. It feels like it is a time of healing around TTC - a time of making amends to myself. I could say infertility has put me through the wringer; but it has been my attitude a lot of the time that has hurt me.

Ask. Believe. Receive.

Thank goodness I have moved to a more positive place around TTC! It is incredible how a shift in thinking can uplift ones spirits. I feel revitalised with the possibility of another baby coming our way. For so long I have inadvertently given myself the message that it was not going to happen.

I have struggled with where to sit around TTC because I do have a pretty dire medicial diagnosis hovering over my head. I also haven't been able to interpret God's Will for me amongst it all. Now I am seeing God's Will as simply believing that another baby is a possibility for us. It still might not happen. But I am going to hold on to the possibility.

This is huge for me. I know I felt like this for a short time after reading The Secret. Although that book simplified the law of attraction and perhaps missed out a big step - how to get yourself into that space of believing; it does have some very valuable information in it. Ask. Believe. Receive. That's where I'm at. I am asking the universe for a baby, believing it could happen - and I may just receive one!

One of authors of the blogs I read got a BFP recently applying elements of the above. That is so very exciting - especially since I am just coming into this space of believing it could happen for me.

This kind of thinking opens up my world. It is about believing and trusting that good stuff - great stuff even, can happen. It is an incredible way of empowering oneself. I guess I had handed my fertility over to the medical world but now I've taken it back. For so long TTC has felt like a fight - now it feels like an adventure. This approach is much more loving and gentle. All my energy is going into me - not into fighting something I thought I had no control over. My new affirmation is now I am fertile. Because I am - I have a daughter to prove it.

I can't give up just yet

Giving up on my dream of having another biological child was breaking my heart. The only reason I was shutting the door on it was because of the medical evidence that was starting to stack up against me. I had not been given the dreaded There is nothing you/we can do statement but in a way was bracing myself for it. But I've decided to carry on with TTC for now. I am not going to wait around for a full medical diagnosis. It's almost as though what is said from a medical perspective from this point on is irrelevant to me.

It feels like another phase of TTC, however. This time it's about putting me first. I do have hormonal issues so I will be working on getting those sorted out. I am highly stressed right now and just need to calm down. I am riddled with negatives around TTC: too old/one ovary/high FSH levels/low progesterone levels/no ovulation. Although the medical perspective is important to address where I'm at hormonally - I am choosing to believe it's not relevant while I'm TTC.

What I mean by this is I'm realising that TTC is about the mind-body connection. I really think it is. It is interesting that some fertility procedures work for some women, and some don't. Of course there is the medical factor to account for this. But I do think it is about where a woman is spiritually/emotionally/psychologically while TTC. I'm not saying changing my way of thinking around TTC will bring me another baby. But it'll help. And I'd rather close the door on TTC feeling as positive as possible about it - as in, I really did all I could. Rather than feeling defeated and down-trodden like I have ever since my half diagnosis of ovarian failure.

I bought two books on Amazon last night by Julia Indichova. "Inconceivable: A Woman's Triumph over Despair and Statistics" and "The Fertile Female: How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World". I won't get them til around the end of August/mid-September as they are been shipped from the US. But I'm looking forward to reading them as I think that's where I'm at - in a very similar space to where the author was when she was TTC her second child - diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure) with elevated FSH levels at the age of forty-two. Inconceivable is all about how she turned things around by turning inwards and consequently conceived her second child naturally. It sounds so inspiring and I'm grateful to my blog-friends who have gently suggested I read it!

I guess I've been thinking if other women can conceive against the odds, then why not me? My desire for another child is so very strong. I guess I've let all that negative talk around where I'm at medically over-ride my desire for another child. I want to turn it all around.

Also, I'm/we're going to TTC a little differently. Our daughter was conceived used natural fertility methods - charting, temperature charts etc. No more! No more charts or temperatures because all that does is depress me when I'm clearly not ovulating. What we've decided to do is just to er, you know, do the deed regularly so no more timing for ovulation etc. From what I've read this is the best approach for those with POF as ovulation is sporadic and of course might not happen at all. There is apparently a 5 - 10% chance of conceiving.

The way I look at is, I have nothing to lose. I will go back on the pre-natal vitamins and am just going to concentrate on getting me back on track emotionally. I have some healing to do around TTC up to this point - all the despair, disappointment and heart-ache. If Julia Indichova can turn it all around, then there is a chance that I can too.

At crossroads

I don't know what to think about the whole TTC deal anymore (when applied to me). Here I've been feeling like it was really well and truly over then I did some "research" on the Net and discovered examples of women who managed to conceive with high FSH levels and/or a diagnosis of premature ovarian failure. I even found one woman who was the same age (39) who had a FSH of 86 just like me who was pregnant.

I dunno what to believe, what to think. I don't want this to be the end. I want another biological child so badly. I don't want to let go of the dream. Yet am I fooling myself believing it could still happen? My latest progesterone results came in the mail confirming I didn't ovulate after round three of Clomid and my progesterone levels are still at two. Every time I get more negative news around my fertility; it is like another nail in the coffin.

Medically things are looking bad. Yet is it really the end? Do I have another shot at motherhood, even if it is a very small chance?

I don't know where God wants me to go from here. Do I take the medical diagnosis as gospel and move on from here or do I go with my overwhelming desire to have another child and hope like hell that a small miracle happens? I have some praying to do, as I'm really not sure which way to go at this point.

The cracks are starting to show

Sure enough the tears flowed yesterday, shortly after writing my post. I felt so lost and couldn't decide whether to go to Music or not. In the end I decided to go, thinking getting out of the house would perhaps be a good thing. Bad call. We walked to Music (around a fifteen minute walk each way) and as soon as I got there I knew I shouldn't have come. I saw the sea of MOTs and bumps in the hall from the corridor and felt as though I was looking in on a world that I once belonged to, but don't any longer. I know many of the MOTs that go to Music yet I feel so emotionally estranged from most of the them - especially now I have my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure.

The funny thing was my daughter didn't want to get out of her buggy "NO music!!" she said and no amount of coaxing was going to get her out of there. That was a first for her. Normally she's pretty enthusiastic. One of my MOT friends came out to say hi in the hallway. She has heard a bit around my secondary infertility deal so I gave her an update. She said I probably needed a hug, and that then I'd probably cry - which I did. It actually felt really good to just have a big sob in her arms and she shed some tears too as she experienced infertility for around four years when TTC her first daughter.

Another MOT I know walked by with her very recent addition to the family. It was absolutely devastating to look into the baby car-seat and see a baby who looked just like his older sister. She is the former SI who fobbed me off a few months ago when I asked how her second child was conceived. I thought fuck it, and just told her I had pretty much found out I couldn't have another biological child and was having a hard time dealing with it. She said to call if I needed to talk. Hmmm. I appreciated the offer but I'm not sure that she is someone I want to disclose my full grief with.

My world is crumbling around me right now so I've realised it's important that I do let people in as much as I can. I suspect it'll take me some time to work through my grief and it does feel better expressing where I'm at with people - especially MOTs parading around with their families of two. I am not going to pretend I am over the moon for MOTs with their new additions while my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Many of the MOTs I know through Music and Playgroup are my friends and they do care. It is very hard to let them in but if I don't I just wind up feeling alone and isolated.

I've been taking my daughter to Music as long as I have to Playgroup - almost three years. Perhaps it is all about a new start. She probably is a bit past it herself. Kindy three times a week and gymnastics once a week is no doubt enough social stimulation for her - along with two playdates a week. I think I will just take her to Music every now and then. I won't go when I'm on the verge of a cry again. I'm sad to be moving on from Music as just like Playgroup, it was where I networked with other Mums for almost three years. I guess a significant chapter of early motherhood is ending for me and it feels big because I am moving on whereas my MOT peers aren't. It is like leaving a job, graduating, and ending a relationship all at once. A very strange time indeed.

So yesterday I ended up driving out to my Mums holiday home for the afternoon with my daughter. I cried for a lot of the twenty minute drive. But it was good going out there and just hanging out, far away from the world of MOTs and bumps and getting a hug from my Mum. I went to Bodyjam last night and loved it. It is so important for me to do the things I love: that bring me happiness in this time of grief. I have booked in to do a RPM class on Sunday before work. I just feel I need to do a bit of cardio right now as I am operating in high stress-mode.

My gyno called me back (from a week ago) yesterday while I was out. His message said he was checking in with me to see where I was at. I tried to call him back but the receptionist said he'd gone for the day and that he'd try me again next week.

I feel as though I am floating around in no-mans land more than ever. I am no longer in the running for TTC so don't feel like I really belong in the secondary infertility community on Dailystrength even. I still check in once a week but I shall move on eventually. Even though the women there have been through hell and back - I find it very hard to hear about fertility treatments and BFPs. When I was in the running for TTC, it was a different story as the treatments and the BFPs gave me hope. Now they just depress me.

So I don't know where I belong - in the heap with all the other SIs whose TTC days came to an end, I guess. Trouble is - I don't know who they are so I feel incredibly alone in all this. I have to just keep chugging along while God tidies up the loose ends for me. I will find my place again.

Dealing with disbelief

Yesterday was quite an emotional day. My daughter's last day at Playgroup was quite lovely in that I turned into a bit of a celebration. I shouted morning tea for the Mums and teachers, donated a book and gave a thank-you card to the centre. It felt like we were both graduating from a significant era in our lives. We started going to Playgroup when my daughter was just six months old and left a few weeks shy of her being three and a half. So that's three years of being part of a centre that has supported me in so many ways as a first-time parent.

Although I was ready to move on from Playgroup, I have a lot of feelings stirring as the next stage approaches - Kindy. (She starts on Monday). I am in disbelief that another baby isn't in the wings. Clearly God didn't want that for me and I am killing myself with my inability to completely accept His will for me. It seems so unfair.

I spoke to a close MOT-to-be friend last night. Although it was good to have a chat it was hard for me to hear about the up-coming birth of her second child. That is obviously why I steer clear of MOTs sometimes as often interaction with MOTs just stirs up all my feelings around my loss. I had trouble getting to sleep last night as I thought about my MOT-to-be friend and the nursery for the new baby. Why her and not me God? I'm afraid I am unable to move past the green-eyed monster at this point.

I'm about due for another cry. I want to crawl into a corner and hide away today. I didn't take my daughter to Music last Friday and may not go today either. Since my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure; I just cannot quite stomach a room that I know has many bumps and babies in it.

Sigh. I know I am processing a lot at the moment. I am very much grieving the biological child I will not ever have. I guess I had fantasized more than I thought about two biological children and that's why I can't yet accept my reality. Hopefully within the month I will have the confirmation via some more blood tests for my diagnosis to be properly made. I really need this door to be shut once and for all as it is incredibly painful knowing it is all over while waiting for the full medical evidence to prove it.