It is becoming clear to me that there is quite a mass of emotional stuff for me to untangle that has surfaced as a result of my experiences with secondary infertility and my underlying ovarian failure /premature menopause. I am sad another baby hasn't come along for us and although I do still hold a very small amount of hope that that could perhaps still happen for us; I don't spend a lot of time obsessing/thinking about it at this point. Sure, I get triggered still by bumps and MOTs and all that, but my focus right now has to be on getting me sorted out, not pining for what I don't have.
I've been really struggling emotionally lately and have had to just pull out all the stops to survive. That means early nights - or at least earlier nights than I was having and loads of exercise. I feel like quite the mad woman right now yet from what I've read about hormonal imbalances; it is not uncommon to feel emotionally like you are losing it or to suffer from depression especially when in early or premature menopause. It is somewhat reassuring to read on the Net that essentially the younger you are when you enter menopause; the more severe the symptoms. I used to think my emotional state was a lot to do with secondary infertility - it partly is but it is mainly an inability at this point to keep myself afloat for long. It is so very hard to move past things or cope with some of the basics in life when I feel so overwhelmed emotionally most of the time.
I went to an RPM/spinning class yesterday before work. I really enjoyed doing a class first thing at 8.30am. Normally I go to the gym in the evening - around 5.30/6.30pm so it was great to go at the beginning of the day. I'm going to go again this afternoon while my daughter is at Kindy to do some weights. With my unmanageable mood swings of late, I will go to the gym earlier in the day when I can. I have noticed the afternoons are often when I feel pretty flat/depressed. No doubt because I'm tired then and it all catches up with me. Luckily now my daughter is in (afternoon) Kindy I have three afternoons a week to myself. This is an indication to me that God is here with me at this time, orchestrating things to help me a little.
I feel like I kind of know where I'd like to be at in my life in several areas but don't quite know how to get there. It is very clear there are some big emotional blocks going on. In a way my obsession with another baby for so long disguised what was going on beneath. So I suppose I now have the opportunity to look deeply at things.
It will be interesting to hear what the "healer lady" says tomorrow about things. She phoned last night to confirm the appointment. I really want to resume life as normal asap. So the sooner I start facing my issues and work on balancing my hormones, the better.
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