On the eve of my 40th birthday, I feel very strongly that things are on their way up from here on in. I pretty much have the answers to all the questions I've had for a while around SIF/premature menopause and now have the ASD diagnosis for my daughter. So there is so need for wondering or trying to put the missing pieces together for two very different jigsaw puzzles that I've been doing for what has felt like a very long time.
I have started reading Inconceivable (the first three chapters) and see myself in Julia Indichova as her eyes open up to the possibility of another baby coming along, despite the medical odds. The thing is, I'm now going down this unexpected route of the help of a vibrational healer (next appointment tomorrow), while reading Julia's books and the crux of it is simple - it's about focusing on the mind-body connection. The way I see it, is some healing does need to happen at this point in time for me around SIF. Two years of SIF unearthed some underlying issues and I know and feel that they need to be turned around/worked on before another baby can come along.
I already feel like something shifted this week after my first appointment with the "healer lady" (as I fondly call her in my head!). I had a couple of days of feeling so, very, very exhausted and down and then a day of releasing it all through an ocean of tears. I've felt a lot lighter ever since. I would go so far to even say I felt good - even great yesterday! When you've felt stifled by your own shit for what seems like forever, a good day is a God-send, I tell you!
I reckon I am seeing the pay-offs for all my hard work in the self-care department during what has been a very tumultuous time. I did the RPM class at the gym on the way to work yesterday. I'm really enjoying that class at the moment - all the adrendlin and sweat that comes with forty-five minutes of hill climbs and hard-out spinning on a stationary bike to house music does it for me somehow! I was on a high for a lot of the day afterwards.
I can understand why some say that life begins at 40. I think this is because once you have reached forty you have had enough life experience to realise that you win some, and you lose some. You know that life is not always a bed of roses yet at the same time, that it is so very short and it is up to you, and you alone, to make the most of what you have. For me that means turning around the major road-blocks that have cropped up in my life. It's about choosing to grow from the unpleasant experiences I didn't necessarily choose. I have done this in the past and am now doing this with SIF.
What this means for me is that two years of SIF is leading me to new territory, new opportunities. Perhaps I will not become a MOT. I believe I could, but I may not. Regardless of whether I do or not, God is opening the doors of my heart and mind to greener pastures. I have been thinking the last couple of days that it is time to do some of the things that I really want to do in life. I am ready to give some of my forgotten and stifled dreams a go. As I let go of the intensity of SIF and the powerful hold it had on me for so long, I can feel myself moving to a better place.
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