Dealing with disbelief

Yesterday was quite an emotional day. My daughter's last day at Playgroup was quite lovely in that I turned into a bit of a celebration. I shouted morning tea for the Mums and teachers, donated a book and gave a thank-you card to the centre. It felt like we were both graduating from a significant era in our lives. We started going to Playgroup when my daughter was just six months old and left a few weeks shy of her being three and a half. So that's three years of being part of a centre that has supported me in so many ways as a first-time parent.

Although I was ready to move on from Playgroup, I have a lot of feelings stirring as the next stage approaches - Kindy. (She starts on Monday). I am in disbelief that another baby isn't in the wings. Clearly God didn't want that for me and I am killing myself with my inability to completely accept His will for me. It seems so unfair.

I spoke to a close MOT-to-be friend last night. Although it was good to have a chat it was hard for me to hear about the up-coming birth of her second child. That is obviously why I steer clear of MOTs sometimes as often interaction with MOTs just stirs up all my feelings around my loss. I had trouble getting to sleep last night as I thought about my MOT-to-be friend and the nursery for the new baby. Why her and not me God? I'm afraid I am unable to move past the green-eyed monster at this point.

I'm about due for another cry. I want to crawl into a corner and hide away today. I didn't take my daughter to Music last Friday and may not go today either. Since my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure; I just cannot quite stomach a room that I know has many bumps and babies in it.

Sigh. I know I am processing a lot at the moment. I am very much grieving the biological child I will not ever have. I guess I had fantasized more than I thought about two biological children and that's why I can't yet accept my reality. Hopefully within the month I will have the confirmation via some more blood tests for my diagnosis to be properly made. I really need this door to be shut once and for all as it is incredibly painful knowing it is all over while waiting for the full medical evidence to prove it.