This still sucks though

Yesterday I went and had a day 21 progesterone blood test. The woman who did it was quite a friendly sort and noted I was on Clomid. Then she proceeded to tell me how she had conceived on Clomid twenty years ago with the same gyno I have and went on to say how wonderful he was. I know she meant well, but given my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure and the unlikehood of Clomid working in my situation; I really didn't need to hear it. Also my experiences with my gyno haven't been quite so wonderful. I didn't know what to say so just kind of nodded and smiled. She was attempting to be sympathetic around TTC and the pressure around it yet obviously thought I was still in the running - not that I had been sent off the TTC field!

I'm pleased that Clomid has worked for so many women. But not me. I guess I had a sinking feeling right from the start that Clomid might not kick-start ovulation for me. I have known my infertility was permanent I suppose on some level for quite some time.

But it's not getting easier accepting my fate. Sure, I might be in a better space with it all. I'm trying to look at the positives and to just follow God's lead. However some days are going to be better - or worse - than others.

I received the final copy of the parent centre newsletter that I wrote a (voluntary) column for in the mail yesterday. I was already feeling quite triggered around my infertility after my blood test so shouldn't have done it - shouldn't have opened up the newsletter as sure enough it is riddled with stories about pregnancies and growing families. The knife really went in when I read that the editor's second baby was now four weeks old and she was relishing motherhood for the second time, including breastfeeding in the wee hours with her bundle of joy.

I have been thinking again why God, why me? I just don't understand why I had to be one of the "chosen" infertiles. Today I am hurting and not so okay with the way things are paning out.

Yet I'm trying my best to move on and accept things and will get there in my own time and way. Even though I am looking forward to the next stage - the Kindy years - within parenthood, I am also sad to say goodbye to the toddler years. A part of me is more than ready to move on from Playgroup yet another part of me will miss it. We have afterall been going twice a week for almost three years. This next stage in my daughter's life only empathises the fact there isn't a babe in the wings. It seems so natural that I should be looking after a younger child at this stage - and so unnatural that I'm not.

Anyway I'm choosing to see our last day at Playgroup this morning as a celebration. I've bought a book and a card and will do a bit of baking this morning for the Mums. I want to say thanks to the centre but in a way, I'm doing this for me. It's my way of embracing change in a positive manner.