There are different levels of acceptance in the SIF game. There is the acceptance that this is happening, the acceptance of where I'm at with SIF and the acceptance that others around me are supporting me in the best way they can right now.
Today I am all about accepting me and where I'm at with SIF. I realised yesterday that I fight with myself a lot within SIF. I don't like feeling angry/hopeless/jealous/hurt (and the rest!) a lot of the time. But I've decided it's all part of being an SI. Sometimes I will feel all these painful feelings and often all at once. All I can do is love myself back to a place of peace and serenity - I'll get there eventually, even if it isn't for long. The point is SIF is an emotional roller-coaster and the ups and downs are just part of the ride. As long as I'm an SI, I'm afraid the unfavourable feelings will flare up and I am still learning how to manage them.
Yesterday I accepted my shitty SIF-self on a deep level. After days of feeling riddled with these somewhat hostile feelings, I decided if that was how I was feeling, that was how I was feeling. It was both freeing and empowering to give myself that self-acceptance. I went to Bodybalance (Yoga/Pilates class) last night and came back feeling so much lighter. I watched a bit of tele with my husband last night, nestled up to him on the couch and had a pretty good nights sleep. I woke up in a state of peace and was almost smiling! I have peace in my heart today!
A lot of me fighting the way I've been feeling around SIF has been about people-pleasing. I wanted to be a better mother/wife/friend etc so I thought it was best for all concerned if I just swallowed my pride and carried on with it. But I would keep getting sucked back into SIF; my feelings more intense each time I rebelled from what I was really feeling.
Simply put, feelings ones feelings works. Dwelling isn't good of course, and there is a fine line between feeling and dwelling - that is up to the individual and not outsiders to judge.
So I feel like I am okay with me again. I am going through one of the crappiest times of my life so excuse me if I am a SI bitch every now and then. But I am doing the best I can.
I think I thought I would eventually reach some Buddha-like state where I could look at MOTs and bumps and newborns and smile both inwardly and out, with pure peace emnanting from my heart. Ah...not so! I have felt like crap that the resentments and anger towards MOTs continue to be part of my SIF make-up. I am just where I'm at. I'm not perfect yet I am willing to learn from all this and that's got to account for something. I am going to work the twelve steps around infertility and will post about that when I've completed them (could be a couple of months away).
Having self-love at this time with where I'm at has meant I've been able to think about those around me in my SIF battle, and what I do and don't want for support. The truth of the matter is I am actually receiving all the support I need and want if I look closely enough. My husband may not be able to talk about SIF on a deep emotional level, but he is my rock, quietly accepting my SIF pain whether I choose to share about it or not. Every person who crosses my path offers support in their own individual way. It isn't possible for everyone to hear about SIF, nor is it possible for me to share about it (for whatever reasons) with all and sundry.
I may have chosen to distance myself from some MOT friends right now but the majority wouldn't be aware of this conscious distancing as they are the type of friends I see every now and then. I was able to share quite deeply with a good friend yesterday about SIF and that certainly helped me with my self-acceptance because she accepted me with where I'm at, without trying to fix a situation she cannot identify with.
This self-acceptance around my feelings frees me up to carry on with my day. I am in a new phase of SIF (again!) - this one is about putting me first. If I need to go to the gym four or five days a week, I will go. If I need to not see MOTs so much, then I will give myself the space I need. Self-love equates to self-healing and that's got to be a good thing.
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