Going with God's Will

I have felt much better about things the last couple of days. Where I'm at is perhaps God's Will for me to (probably) not have another biological child isn't a bad thing. I guess I have moved into acceptance a little more, have been looking at the positives and am also over fighting something that really feels like it isn't meant to be.

To be honest, I have slowly felt a huge weight lifting off my shoulders as I have gradually let go of the TTC deal. I feel a shift going on. For so long I have put TTC first but now I'm back to putting me first. This means sorting me out - not pushing me aside in my desperate attempts to achieve ovulation. I've had a hormonal imbalance for a couple of years - it is time to get that sorted out. My progesterone levels are so low - no wonder I have such severe mood swings. If I take a step back from all this, I know I'm not normally so moody. Emotional, yes. Moody, no. They are two different things.

I'm starting to embrace life as a family of three a lot more. We've talked about taking a wee family trip away sometime soon. It's time to celebrate us. I had put a holiday on hold in case it interfered with our TTC plans. But I cannot sit around anymore waiting for AF, or ovulation to occur.

I've been thinking about the advantages of having just one child. Financially we would be better off. I've been a stay-at-home Mum for almost three and a half years. I've had wee casual, part-time jobs on the side since my daughter was six months old but never more than ten hours a week. So we've essentially been living on one income for a few years. Once my daughter enters morning Kindy next year, I will have five mornings a week to work in some form. It will be nice to have a bit more money in our family budget.

Although I have loved being an at-home Mum, I do like my space. I do so love going to the gym and working my Sunday job. I am a creative person who without a creative outlet feels unfulfilled. Strangely this blog has met that need over the last few months. But one day it will be nice to write about something else!!

I feel I need a break from it all - to push TTC aside while I wait for some medical explanations. I can't even go there about other options for adding to our family. All options involve time and energy all over again and I'm not in the head space to consider them. Besides, there is no rush in regards to the other options if we're talking about IVF via donor eggs or adoption as it's not a case of dealing with my aging eggs and time running out. If you use a younger woman's eggs you can fall pregnant much later in life. The idea of this does not appeal to me at this point - I'm just mentioning it because it is one of my options.

Every now and then I feel pangs of excitement rushing through my body. That to me is about feeling God's Will. It may be different to mine, but it doesn't mean it isn't great. Letting go of TTC reminds me of letting go of a dying relationship. It's like the writing has been on the wall for so long and I didn't want to accept it so I hung in there much like a desperate woman clinging to a relationship that is sinking fast. I am essentially letting go of love (for another child). It's like that saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."