What a strange place to be in. My Dr phoned me yesterday to talk about my recent blood test results. She expressed concern about my unusually high FSH levels which were at 86 this cycle on Day 2. She agreed that another cycle of blood tests need to be done after which a letter will be sent to my gyno. She said she'd always been quite optimistic for me but said things were looking pretty bad at this point. She also said (once again) I was "so young" (for this diagnosis). Well, I have been told that repeatedly for the last two years "you're too young for menopause", along with "plenty of women conceive with just one ovary". Well not me people, not me.
I am still numb and in a state of shock. I don't want to digest this horrible news just yet and I suspect I won't until I have the full medical evidence which might not be for another month or two. So in the meantime I will just carry on with TTC even though my TTC days are over. I have read that some women can still conceive with a diagnosis of ovarian failure but the stats are so very, very low. Obviously you need to ovulate occasionally for this to happen. And I suspect I haven't ovulated for a very long time and perhaps won't ever again.
Thank goodness for the human mind and it's crafty ways of protecting itself in times of strife. Because I feel okay right now. I know I will have to deal with all this soon, but I'm not going to force my grief. Plus I have been grieving another baby for almost two years, if not longer. The day my daughter was born and I lost an ovary I was told I could enter premature menopause. I guess on some level I have been preparing myself for quite some time for the news I so didn't want to hear.
Of course being me I have researched a bit on the Net. I have all the symptoms of a menopausal woman (except for weight gain - I have lost weight) and I guess that's why all along I have feared this was my fate. Sigh. But I cannot think about all this too much right now. I think the best thing I can do is keep plodding along, taking it all One Day At A Time. The answers are coming - there is no need to force them to come along any faster.
I had a stint in the sauna after my gym work-out last night. A member who frequents the sauna on a Monday night asked me how many children I had and I knew it was coming...and sure enough: Are you going to have any more? I could have just said "no" couldn't I? But I ended up spilling out my SIF story, in a few short sentences, ending with it looked like I was in early menopause. She was clearly uncomfortable with hearing the details but she asked the question and I have after all only just received some distressing news around it all.
My MOT friend up the road overheard some of the conversation when my Dr phoned as she was dropping her daughter off for a play-date. We talked about it a little bit. Her Mum died on Sunday so obviously she is going through her own grief which I am truly sorry about. (Her Mum has had a terminal illness for the last few months). I gave her a hug and will no doubt do some of the usual things we do when someone loses a loved one - bake, send flowers and/or cards.
But I cannot help but feel that my inability to have any more biological children is going to be shelved by the majority of people out there as a "that's too bad" kind of a thing rather than the huge emotional/psychological/spiritual and biological/physical loss that it is. So I am not ready to tell the world just yet. Sure anyone who reads this blog/stumbles across it is privy to this information but it is still an on-line diary - not the evening news!
I shall continue to look after me and my needs at this time. So I will be keeping my distance from my MOT friends for a bit. I feel as though I cannot face them until I have the full story. It's ironically like the pregnant women who doesn't want to disclose her pregnancy til she reaches the 12 week mark. I don't want to tell everyone until I'm told this is well and truly over, even though it pretty much is. If you read my blog and you know me in person (and therefore friends/family that don't read this blog) then you have read some very private and painful information. This blog is however anonymous in many respects (despite my photo being on here!) so I would appreciate it if you could keep my barren woman news to yourself for now. Think of it as being like a private conversation. Thanks. :)
If you are a fellow SI I hope my crap news doesn't bring you down. I have hope for you. Your ending could be a happy one. I sincerely hope so.
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