Yesterday I started Provera for the second time. The first time was back in February as AF hadn't arrived for six months. Interestingly so, AF came along for three regular cycles until my op in May and I haven't seen her since - she's officially two months late this Saturday.
So I picked the Provera up from the pharmacy yesterday to discover I'm to take it for ten days. My Dr prescribed this as my gyno was away. However when my gyno prescribed it, I only took it for a week. I haven't recorded the dosage I took anywhere the first time round which is annoying - but this time round I'm taking 5mg. I guess I can always phone my gyno's surgery if I want to clarify that I'm on the right dosage of Provera.
Anyway, I'm back in the TTO game. It takes me so long to get to this point. I am slightly envious of my fellow SI's that have regular cycles. But then we all have our different issues with SIF and I wouldn't wish my predicament on anyone, nor would I want any other TTC complications added to my SIF repetitore. It seems I have a bit of a handicap with TTC given that I'm not ovulating most of the time. So fingers crossed round three of Clomid, post-op works. I'm still on a low dosage at 50mg so if ovulation fails again, the dosage will obviously be increased by my gyno.
I feel both excited (in a sense) that I'm in the TTO game again - and afraid that I'm closer to getting some answers. But I shall hang in there as per God's message to me recently.
I took my daughter to gymnastics yesterday for a casual class which was totally unstructured. She loved it and ran around the gym like a mad thing! It was such a relief to be there rather than our usual Tuesday visit to Playgroup. Of course I knew a few MOTs there - Nelson is only small and the Mum circles even smaller. One MOT commented how hard it was to catch up with people now she has two children. I also saw the MOT-to-be there briefly who is a former SI but snubbed me a few months back in the sense that she didn't want to reveal how she got pregnant. She's three weeks off her due date. I still have resentments - not that she's pregnant, but that she let down a fellow SI in a time of need. I just think we ought to support each other as SIs. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with SIF, and I need to respect that some SIs are more private than I am.
Last night I wrote my last column for the local parents centre newsletter which felt good. I have been writing it for free for the last two years. It was called New Mum On The Block. I haven't felt so inspired to write the last few issues and just feel as a MOO of a three year old that what I have to say isn't relevant to the average new parent that reads that newsletter. I do think I would have perhaps hung in there as a MOT as then I would be sharing about juggling two children, experiencing babyhood all over again etc. The newsletter is riddled with articles and ads to do with (mainly) the baby years and it's just not relevant to my life at this time.
So actually it feels good to have moved on from my column. As a writer it was a good thing to do for a couple of years, but now it's time to open myself up to other possibilites. I have been thinking how all my writing time goes into this blog right now but that's where I'm at. Before I started this blog I used to enter short story competitions quite regularly. But I won't be in this SIF zone forever, am essentially writing a book about SIF as I go, so I am just going to go with what feels right and natural for now - and that's to keep writing about my life as an SI. It's part of my daily routine now - I blog as soon as I get up in the morning. It's great. I clear my head then switch off the computer and get on with my day.
Last night I checked in on the four SIF blogs I have listed here on the left. Two of the bloggers are pregnant which is amazing! I know they have both been TTC longer than I have so it always instills hope reading stories like that.
After gymnastics yesterday my daughter and I went to a cafe with a little boy her age and his MOO Mum. My daughter was tired and not interested in his company at all (just a few subtle hints such as "Mummy, home" and dragging my bag to the gate and waiting for me to come!). It was a good reminder to me that just because I have an only child, I do have to remember that she may actually want and need "me time" sometimes. I don't need to over-compensate her lack of another sibling by cramming her week full of lots of social activities. I do think my daughter and I are quite similar in that we both like to be out in the outdoors most days, just chilling together, enjoying our own company. I guess for her it is in a way a blessing - that she is able to have some personal space most days to just be.
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