I really feel the conclusion to my SIF experience is drawing near. And I am shit-scared.
Even though I have handed my baby dreams over to God, I am operating in constant turmoil. As I draw closer to getting some "answers", my SIF stuff is right up there. I guess it's because I cannot see how God can make this work for me. I may have handed over my baby dreams; but I don't have a lot of faith that God will come through for me. As a consequence I am reeling as what feels like a death sentence looms closer.
My exposure to MOTS is causing me more grief than ever. I cannot handle MOTs-to-be at all right now and have possibly lost what was once a close MOT-to-be friend because of my inability to manage my emotions when in contact with her.
No longer will I be referring to the friends I used to in this blog as friends no.1, no.2, no.3 and no. 4 as it has been pointed out that it wasn't appropriate. I guess I knew that but just wanted to express how SIF affects relationships. If I need to share about about my friendships, I will do so as generally as I possibly can.
I have reached a point where I officially feel like a SIF bitch. I'm going to have to find a way to trust in God or else I feel I am really going to lose it. This is so hard. I feel like I am bracing myself for some very painful news that I on one hand want to hear, and on the other hand don't. A few more months of living in TTC denial might be easier than finding out the truth.
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