Moving forward

Yesterday I went and did the paperwork to get my daughter into Kindy. I took her along and she had a ball running around for twenty minutes with the whole Kindy to herself (as we went in at the end of the afternoon session.) I think she is going to love it!

I feel as though both she and I are graduating from Playgroup! Although I am ready for this next stage I do feel sad that I don't have a baby in the wings to look after at home as my daughter enters Kindy. When we went to the supermarket yesterday I saw a MOT who used to go to Playgroup with her baby - her son would have been at Kindy. I used to think or at least hope that would be me - that by the time my daughter entered Kindy, there would be another one on the way at the very least.

Although I am disappointed by the non-baby outcome, I am trying not to dwell on what isn't and embrace what is. When my grief comes up around having a two-child family; I remind myself that I do have options should we want to add to our family. I have been researching a bit on the Net about donor eggs and adoption. I haven't even discussed this with my husband yet as I feel we need a period of time to digest our reality and no doubt we won't do that completely until I get a proper diagnosis. But I know there are other possibilites out there for us should it turn out that adding to our family is what we really want to do.

I talked to my sister yesterday about the positives of being a one-child family. I guess for so long I have rejected the whole one-child family concept and so I've had quite a negative perspective on it. (for us - not for one-child families in general). But there are certainly advantages of having just one child: more financial freedom, more spare time, and no sibling rivlary. For us as non-home owners it would mean we could focus on buying a two bedroom home rather than the three bedroom home that seems to be out of our reach in these economic times.

I guess it's simply about looking on the brighter side of things. I have also been thinking how shit happens in life. We all have disappointments and incidences of things not turning out as we hoped. This is one of those times for me. Yet now I pretty much know that having another biological child is ruled out; I am able to move forward.

I may carry around my maternal ache for another child for quite some time. I'm not going to pressure myself to get past it all within any particular time-frame. It is like processing a death so I'm sure there'll be a few more ups and downs to come. But I'm drawn towards the positives in my life. I went to the gym last night and went on the bike, did some weights then a Bodybalance class. The gym has been my saviour these last months - I am well and truly addicted to the feel-good factor a gym workout provides.

I feel a sense of freedom as this new chapter in our family life opens up. I was chained to the TTC mode for too long. It wasn't even two years but it was long enough for me to feel affected and restricted so that was all my life was about. No longer as I have closed the door on all that. (admittedly it's open a crack as I wait for a full medical opinion). I feel as though I am rediscovering me post-TTC. I believe I will come out of this feeling stronger and more in tune with what I want out of life than ever before.