There is room for optimism

Well the Provera worked, AF arrived on day nine of my ten-day prescription. (yesterday). So today I can start Round Three of Clomid!

I made an appointment with my GP yesterday (well, she wasn't available so I saw another Dr). Anyway, I went in and talked about how I wanted to be supported with all the appropriate blood tests from here on in within my cycles. Concidentally she was the only Dr that went to the seminar Fertility Associates held on Wednesday night that I went to. So she understood exactly where I was coming from.

I went into that appointment yesterday feeling quite defeated yet, realistic (I thought) about the chances of being able to conceive again - as in, most unlikely. The Dr said she was a realist but in my situation there was room for optimism. She said she couldn't/didn't say that to all patients. She empathised this point a couple of times. She even said "Perhaps in a years time you'll be back here with a baby." Hmmm, I haven't been allowing myself to dream so much these days. So yeah, I know, I haven't been feeling very positive at all around TTC lately. I find it so very hard to find a comfortable place to sit with all this - do I give myself what feels like false hope or do I accept that it just probably isn't going to happen? I continue to struggle with accepting that Gods will could go either way. I am stuck in my black and white thinking most of the time.

I do think I am realistic in thinking that my time is nearing the end with SIF. I give it around six months. It's just based on a feeling and also the fact that after round three of Clomid, I only get another three goes. IVF seems to be the next option and I am continuing to keep an open mind around that despite the obvious lack of funds. Perhaps I should start buying lotto tickets! ;)

I feel like I've gained a small amount of power back within SIF by calling the shots around the blood tests that I think I should be having. I will make an appointment with my gyno should Round three of Clomid fail as I need to check in with him in person - rather than via letter which seems to be his style of communicating or through his receptionist. I may make an appointment with Fertility Associates within the next couple of months if I'm not happy with my gyno's "plans" for me. They have assured me they can take things to the next level, at a hastier pace. Once again it's a matter of funds. That's why I've decided to track my cycles myself as at this point that is all they would be doing anyway.

In a wierd way I feel a bit detached from SIF at the moment. I say wierd because normally I am living and breathing the bastard!! I guess I have been walking around with so much anger for so long and I have given myself some space to just be and accept my somewhat volatile feelings. It has helped. I have in fact had a lovely week with my daughter. It has just been her and I all week except for yesterday when we went to Playgroup. I've taken her to playgrounds, for walks, and on the usual errand runs like to the supermarket, vet for cat food etc so she hasn't been deprived completely of social interaction. She had a ball at Playgroup actually as I think going just once a week is better for her too. I have really enjoyed it being just the two of us.

I talked to the teacher who runs Playgroup about my neighbour (who I don't know) who is experiencing severe morning sickness with her second child. So severe, that she has bouts in hospital. I said I'd pop around sometime soon and see if I could help. Whether I can do anything or not, I'm not sure. But I could possibly look after her daughter. It is ironic isn't it, that a neighbour who is pregnant with her second child, needs support from whoever can give it right now. Perhaps it's an opportunity for me to make amends for all the hostile feelings I've had towards MOTs and MOTs-to-be all these months.

Giving myself some space from MOTs this week (during the school holidays) was the best thing I could do as I have been able to connect with my anger on a deeper level rather than just thinking it's all about being resentful towards MOTs and MOTs-to-be all the time. Although I am admittedly insanely jealous most of the time of each and every MOT that crosses my path; I am in fact mainly angry about my body failing to do what it should be doing.

I have decided to just be gentle with myself at this time. I don't need to push to prove myself out there at this point in time. I need to be nurtured so that is what I am going to do. I've also been decluttering the house a bit which always feels good. I have binned a lot of the parent centre newsletters I have. I only kept them because I wrote a column for a couple of years with them. (just resigned a couple of weeks ago). It is cleansing throwing out this stuff from a bygone era - the baby days.

I have some fun stuff planned for the weekend. Yes, fun!! Tonight I'm taking a friend to Bodyjam and then we're going to catch-up afterwards. And tomorrow night I'm going to see Mamma Mia with another friend also followed by a catch-up.