The lonely road of the SI

My experience has been that tragedy can either bring us closer to those we love; or drive us further apart. Unfortunately SIF has driven a big ugly wedge between me and just about everyone I care about. With some relationships the affect SIF has had is so very subtle; others painfully obvious.

Actually, I feel some relief at letting go of a friendship for now that couldn't survive SIF. I tried my hardest, but I just could not meet the friendship needs this MOT-to-be friend had and she could not accept my often poor attempts at setting boundaries around pregnancy talk. It is so very, very sad. But also not that surprising that things got as bad as they did as I do not know how former close friends with the dynamic of the pregnant woman and infertile manage to hang in there.

I know this is going to sound one-sided but I do personally think in this situation the SI should be given some slack. If she's telling you she can't handle the pregnancy talk - she can't handle it! Obviously she feels bad and so very selfish that she cannot support you during your pregnancy right now, but she has way too much on her plate to play the nurturing friend.

Relationships are of course made up of give and take. But life happens, and sometimes you gotta give people a bit of slack. I think in the case of the pregnant friend/infertile it should be the right of the infertile to call the shots. It's just part of the whole infertility deal. Only the infertile is able to express what it feels like to be in her shoes and she is communicating the best way possible, even if it is often in a clumsy, illogical manner.

My MOT friend down the road whose Mum is dying is the kind of friend I am giving a lot of slack to right now. I want to do everything I can to do to help. Of course there actually isn't much I can do - but looking after her daughter is my way of reaching out. She knows this and is very appreciative. I don't expect her to check in with me around SIF as she has enough going on. All I wanted from the MOT-to-be was some respect that I couldn't handle the pregnancy talk or disclose much at all about SIF at this time to her. That was it.

I am hurt but at the same time think God is really pushing me at this time to reach deep within and to let Him in. He is the only one who can heal me at this time - not my friends, not my husband, nor even fellow SIs. Sure comfort can be gained especially from sharing with fellow SIs around where we are at. But the ultimate pain of SIF is a personal hell that is experienced alone, and it is up to the SI to hold on tight to God with both hands.

Yesterday at Music the MOT who a week ago asked how I was and got back that I was devastated with SIF, told me she wasn't available for a catch-up in the school holidays. (which started yesterday here). Last week she was all like "we'll catch up, come round" etc but I got the strong feeling she is very uncomfortable with my wounded SIF self. I cannot seem to win within friendships. The few times I am brave enough to open up don't always result in a listening ear on the other end. Not for long, anyway. And the one of the few friends who continously tried to understand SIF has now left my life, even if it is only temporary because I could not open up to her given her MOT-to-be status. It was a mutual agreement that we give each other some space for a bit.

I feel so incredibly alone right now. But I'm strangely okay as it feels like it is all part of Gods plan. I've been here before during another personal tragedy in my life. I know these times of aloneness are opportunities to connect with God on a very deep level. That said, I still do need the support of those out there who are able to give it. All I want is for people to accept where I'm at. That's it. Not one single person can take away the pain of SIF and I don't expect that. But if you read this blog, don't feel shy about posting me a comment (you can be anonymous!). I guess I just need to know that I still have some support out there despite my SIF bitch status of late.