Feeling displaced

For the last twenty-two months I have been focused on TTC. I have taken herbs and vitamins (under the direction of a herbalist), had acupuncture appointments, taken Provera and Clomid and even had surgery all in the hope of "improving" my fertility. I have also eliminated caffeine from my diet, cut out sugary foods and recently switched to foods with a Low GI. I have used the law of attraction, positive thinking, wishful thinking, and prayer in my desperation to turn my fertility around. Nothing worked of course because it was never meant to be. I was never going to have another biological child however hard I tried, using whatever methods and techniques out there. There was never a magical remedy for my infertility.

I am thawing out of my numb state a bit so the tears started last night. Well I have shed tears every day since the "news" (of ovarian failure on Saturday) but I have held them back. I think on some level I thought if I let it all out it would be acknowledging it really is all over and I don't want it to be. It is so painful to register all this. I am finding it hard to verbalise and have shut down somewhat as the news is too devastating to deliver.

Almost two years of TTC for nothing. I had hoped that God might surprise me. That somehow, even though I knew my body probably wasn't going to produce another child, that God might find some window. Even now with my ridiciously high FSH levels I find myself hoping that perhaps in my case that won't be relevant. That maybe it doesn't really mean I'm in premature menopause. Maybe my hormones are all messed up for another reason that no-one has figured out yet that is totally unrelated to fertility.

Yeah, right. That's my denial talking. But I'm afraid I'm going to be operating from this place of denial from time to time as I can't yet accept my fate. I no longer feel like I'm even a SI if I'm not even part of the fertility race. I'm entering a post-SIF phase and I don't know this place. A lot of the way I have run my life over the last twenty-two months has been about TTC. Those efforts were wasted and now I'm sipping herbal teas wondering where to from here?

The options for someone with premature ovarian failure are to use donor eggs, to adopt or just to accept the status quo. Until I got to this point I didn't realise how strongly I felt about using my own eggs to create another child and how much I wanted another biological child. I wanted another baby that we had created. I was looking forward to the similarities and differences between siblings. I cannot believe it's not going to happen.

So I don't know what the next step is. I need to grieve the fact conceiving another a biological child isn't possible for us. At this point in time donor eggs feel like a big no and it probably isn't an option for me as IVF isn't applicable to me - my FSH levels are too high. Adoption? I really don't know. I haven't even gone there with my husband. It is too early to go there really.

So for now I have to just sit tight and deal with the aftermath of SIF while waiting for further blood test results. This sucks. I'm ready to scream about it. Why the fuck me God? Why don't you want me to have another biological child?