Well I went to the free fertility information evening taken by Fertility Associates last night. It has to be one of the strangest social experiences I have ever had. I walked into the Rutherford Hotel here in Nelson and wondered what all the other infertiles were going to look like - broken or hopeful, tired or energerised (by new possibilites)? Of course they were just regular men and women and infertile was not stamped across their faces like I often feel it is on mine.
I suspected I might be one of the few experiencing SIF and as soon as I walked into the room I wanted to bail! I felt like my infertility was exposed for the world to see - or at least, twenty/twenty five people and I did not like it. To have a blog about SIF is one thing, but to be exposed like that was not fun at all. Although I felt like a hypocrite turning off my mobile phone as the screen-saver photo of my daughter flashed before my eyes, I wanted to simultaneously scream "I've had one child! I wasn't infertile once!!" It goes to show there is a part of me that is ashamed of my SIF status. I so hate that my body has given up the ghost on me. It's like my mind yearns for a baby, but my body has closed shop - perhaps for good.
The seminar was informative and was taken by the gyno/reproductive medicine subspecialist from the Wellington branch of Fertility Associates. It is a North Island company and they are taking appointments in Nelson for the first time as of August. The idea is Fertility Associates will hold once-a-month clinics here in Nelson and all the bloods/ultrasounds/surgeries will be done here but those being treated for IVF will have to travel to Wellington for part of the treatment - to begin with, at least.
I had actually come across this company during one of my internet searches but didn't think at that time I wanted to look into it much further. It wasn't until a MOT at an antenatal class catch-up the other week mentioned them and then I saw the ad for the free seminar in the paper, that I thought perhaps it was worthwhile checking them out. There is a South Island company in Christchurch - The Fertility Centre as well which pretty much offers the same services. Interestingly, public funding is only available through The Fertility Centre, and not Fertility Associates for Nelson patients.
I knew a lot of what was covered in the seminar as I am a rather obsessive SI and have searched the internet way too much along the way. However I gained a greater understanding of IVF and got some confirmation around what I need to do around my ovulation problems. I wanted to burst into tears a couple of times and when I occasionally looked around the room, my fellow infertiles looked like they had their emotions in check. It certainly wasn't an infertile bonding experience. It was basically just about getting the cold, hard facts. But there were a few laughs as the gyno/reproductive medicine subspecialist who took the seminar tried to keep things light.
I had a wee chat with the guy after the seminar about where I was at. He made a comment that provincial towns seem to lack the speed and the expertise around treating infertility (as I suspected) meaning often one is left in limbo like I have been. He also indicated that IVF might be the next step for me (if Clomid fails). That thought offers both comfort and dread as we do not have the money for IVF. I cannot see how that could work out for us. I said I just really wanted to know whether or not I was in early menopause - to get me out of my misery, as such. At the initial consultation with Fertility Associates (which is NZ$190) they ask you to bring along the results for a day two FSH test and a day 21 progesterone test. In a nutshell those tests can reveal a lot about ovulation, hormones and egg quality.
What I've decided is I'm going to have to be a lot more proactive with my SIF battle. All along my blood tests have been taken irregularly. My feeling is I should have been monitored a lot more closely. I am scared shitless as I might be close to finding out the truth about menopause or no menopause. But I need to know. So I am going to phone my GP this morning and see if I can get her on side. She's pretty good, so I hope she will support me in getting those blood tests taken every cycle from here on in.
I feel quite stirred up by it all at the moment - in a shit-I've-missed-the-boat kind of a way. During the seminar last night it was pointed out several times about how a woman's fertility drops, the older she gets. One of the slides even read DON'T LEAVE IT TOO LATE! Yeah, cheers for the reminder but us infertiles who are around the forty mark are only well aware that we're in with a very small chance. No need to rub it in, now is there! There were loads of stats on the overheads too and I closed my mind to those. I am depressed enough about things without telling myself I've got a thirty percent chance of conceiving or whatever. I don't even have a chance at conceiving right now do I given that I'm still not ovulating. Sigh.
I have been wondering if I have just been deluded for the last 21 months. What was I thinking TTC given I have one ovary, I'm not ovulating and I'm forty next month?! I think wishful thinking, hope and denial have kept me going throughout my SIF experience. But I'm now at the point where reality has cancelled out all my hopes and dreams of having another baby. It really feels like it is impossible at this point and that I have been kidding myself all this time. Yet I still can't let go (silly cow!) I have to let this SIF tragedy play itself out to the bitter end.
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