I had a lovely day yesterday hanging with a MOO friend and our daughters. We went to the pottery gallery/ceramics studio/cafe where I work on Sundays. There is a huge area out the back which kids love that has swings, a tractor to play on, hills to roll down, a pig to pat and lots of room to run. My daughter had a ball - she was out there kicking a ball around with some older boys and at one time was roaming round with a cricket bat!! It was a gorgeous day and I really lapped up the sunshine. It was pretty mild for a Winter's day. We had lunch there as well and then afterwards all had a go at painting some ceramics - a wee bit of a challenge with three year olds but they had fun!
I gave my MOO friend an update around where things were at with SIF. She in return shared that she's started TTC her second child. I sincerely hope she does get pregnant easily, I really do. When the average woman decides to TTC there is the expectation that things should be fine - especially in the case of a the second time round when there were no problems with conceiving the first time. So I am peeved at my situation (as always!) - that there is a frickin' problem. Lots of them! So already I'm jealous that my MOO friend is fertile (as far as she knows right now) - and I'm not. Yet I do hold out some hope that we might fall pregnant around the same time. Our antenatal class peers have all had their second children and the other MOOs aren't having any more children so we are the last two left TTC.
I mentioned to this friend how I'd cut down on Playgroup as it was too hard for me to be around bumps and newborns too many times in a week. I'm not sure how we'll go if/when she gets pregnant. After the recent fall-out with a MOT-to-be friend, I am going to have to be a lot more open and honest from the start - and clear about any boundaries that I need to put in place.
Even though I had a great outing yesterday I came home and felt the SIF blues flooding in once again. I had a wee cry as I did the dishes and listened to some spiritual music. Then I went and did a Bodycombat class which always helps. But I feel like shite again this morning. I'm pretty sure I have felt more affected by the Clomid this cycle than the other two. I hope that means the bloody pills are working!!
For me some aspects of SIF get harder the further time ticks on. My coping skills are improving (albeit slowly!) but I feel like I am dragging a lot of SIF baggage around with me. This has all been a huge lesson for me in learning how to manage an assortment of volatile emotions. It seems the reason why SIF feels like it consumes so much of my time and energy is because I am constantly having to work to keep myself afloat. Remarkably there are periods of time in which I experience peace, contentment and even joy. But the overall feeling is still one of feeling very weighed down. It's kind of like being in The Bell Jar of Infertility.
In Sylvia Plath's semi-autobiographical novel The Bell Jar, depression is decribed as feeling like being trapped under a bell jar, struggling for breath. SIF is like that a lot for me. I try so hard to just carry on with my life, but I always get sucked back in. I did think I could carry on as if another baby wasn't coming but as along as I am TTC/TTO I am stuck in a time-warp. It's just the way it is. So I've accepted this is my life for now and will continue to enjoy the things I set up to help me cope such as the gym and working on Sundays. I cannot look at the bigger picture while I'm here. I can make short-term plans and goals but until a conclusion is reached, the future (our future as a family) is affected.
I worry too much, oh boy do I know that. And I feel guilty. Sooooo guilty that now it's coming up to two years (in September) of living "like this" - in limbo, desperation and on the edge of a broken dream. I have put our family life in standstill mode as I continue to hold out hope that another baby should be blessed to us. I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take/my family can take. I hope like hell that it's all going to be over soon - whatever the outcome.
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