My gut feeling

I guess the reason I've been a SIF bitch lately (sorry Nancy311, I know you hate this term!), is because of my gut feeling around having another baby - I don't think it's going to happen. This isn't because I'm being pessimistic; it's because I'm being real. (I think). Right from the start, three and a quarter years ago when my daughter was delivered, I lost an ovary, and was warned I could enter early menopause and that has been hovering over me ever since, but especially so since TTC.

I wish I could just give up then if this is the way I feel. But there must be a small (very small) ounce of hope there for me to continue on what seems like a hopeless quest most of the time. I guess I will keep going til God makes it extremely obvious that the end of the road has been reached. I just hope that is sooner rather than later as this whole TTC deal is getting rather old.

SIF has become a big part of my identity and I don't like it. I'm pretty sure I have been changed as a result of SIF - and not in a good way. I am much more short-tempered, sensitive and emotional than I usually am. Sure I've always been wired that way; but it's like those qualities about me have been exaggerated. It's kind of like having permanent PMS - not good for those in the firing line, I tell you!

Yet thankfully I have my Sunday job and the gym to go to. So for a few short bursts during my week I am more than just a SIF bitch. It has been really good for me to be in these environments that are out of the Mummy circles and family life. It means I am reminded that I do have positive qualities that are given a chance to shine while SIF is pushed to one side, if only for a few hours here and there. I am focused/fun/up for a challenge in these roles. I can connect with members of the public/gym members from a place other than my SIF bleeding heart - and people like that side of me. I like that side of me.

I truly feel a bit like Jekyll and Hyde a lot the time; as do those close to me, I'm sure. But I'm really just doing the best I can with where I'm at with SIF right now. From what I've gathered about talking to other SIs, when you are in dire straits with SIF, it is so very hard to manage the turbulent feelings that come up. I'm not making excuses as I am well aware of my behaviour. That's the thing, I feel like I'm always having to pull myself back from reacting to stuff that triggers me around SIF. I'm kind of like a terrier on a very short lead - I cannot be trusted, even from myself!

I was able to talk with a SI I know in person yesterday. I am not going to say much more about that as I am trying to ensure the anonymity of those I know is respected in this blog. But there is nothing like being able to exchange the woes of SIF with another SI though I sure wish this member didn't have to recently be added to the SIF club. No-one deserves to be in this hell-hole.

I am not sure how to share my SIF story when relationships with MOTs etc are a big part of it all. I appreciate I have crossed the line with that before. I even tried searching the etiquette of blogs and did find a post that said not to blog about anything that could cause you to lose a relationship. Shit. I did that didn't I. I was only trying to illustrate how difficult relationships/friendships can be for the SI.

SIF is one big shitty state of affairs. There are so many layers to it all. My stuff (as in emotional stuff), the biological/infertile aspects, relationships with others, and the spiritual wrestling matches with God. No wonder at this point I feel as though I need several weeks holiday on a tropical island with massages every day!