Patience!

Yesterday morning I phoned my gyno's surgery in an attempt to track down my elusive blood tests results from last Friday. They were there except for the day two FSH results which were the ones I'm after. The receptionist wasn't able to offer any kind of an interpretation and said my gyno was too busy (probably) to call me yesterday about them. (which he didn't).

So next week I will have another go phoning my Dr. Clearly I am not meant to know these results right now - no matter how infuriating that is!!

I guess I've been really pushing to get the results that I think will give me some kind of a conclusion. I've decided that another baby probably isn't going to happen and I just want the medical evidence to prove it.

Ovulation could/should happen early next week so it's close to baby-making time now. So I have to push all my negative or even warranted thoughts away about me not being able to conceive for now, and act as if I believe a pregnancy is possible. It is so hard living in conflict with myself around SIF all the time: having hope versus no hope is the main battle I have constantly.

God will reveal what's going on in His own time. For now it looks as though I'm meant to just keep plodding on with TTC. It would be a small miracle at this point in time if I even ovulated and I would be pretty happy if that happened! That is afterall the big missing piece from my SIF puzzle.

I had a lovely visit out to my Mum's (holiday) home twenty minutes from here with my daughter yesterday. We hung out on the beach and soaked in the sunshine on yet another gorgeous Winter's sunny day. The whole SIF deal never came up which I was relieved about as the day before had been so intense; I just really needed to push it out of my mind for a bit. I went to Bodyjam last night which was great as usual. However, SIF is very much with me when I'm at home. It is a continual challenge to Let go and Let God with it.

Midday today I'm away with three friends to Blenheim (a couple of hours from here) for a night. I'm looking forward to it. It will be good for me to have a change of scene and will give me a chance to put SIF back into perspective again. (I hope).