MOTs aren't the enemy!

I had a lovely walk with my daughter yesterday after several days of feeling like a walking time-bomb. My head has been working overtime around all this SIF crap, so it was a relief to get outside on a sunny Winters day and to get some fresh air. Feeling revived, on our way down our driveway I saw the teacher that runs Playgroup at one of our neighbours homes. She said she was there helping out a MOT who had very bad morning sickness - basically she was unable to move to look after her toddler.

When I heard that I automatically thought " Not another pregnancy story" followed by a genuine heart-felt "Oh the poor woman, that must be hell." I don't know this neighbour, but I was able to feel some compassion for her. That is always a relief - when I can feel compassion around MOTs and MOTs-to-be as most of the time all I feel is pure jealousy and resentment.

I know parenting more than one child isn't easy. Nor is it easy being pregnant when you have a child or children to parent. I have never stopped caring about the friends that fall into this category - I have just been too overwhelmed by my own stuff to be able to separate friends from their MOT status.

When I see my MOT friends in my mind as friends first, MOTs second, I get things in perspective. When I do that I know that they are more than women who have what I want and I fear I might not be getting. I have some good MOT friends who I haven't reached out to much and have distanced myself from. A couple of them have had their own infertility tragedies along the way. But the fact they have their complete families, growing up before their eyes is often too much for me. I cannot often get past my own jealousy.

But I do need to respect my need for space from MOTs from time to time. It seems I'm going through one of these phases at this time. It's school holidays here in New Zealand which is always a relief for this SI. It means my daughters groups aren't on, except for Playgroup, so we just do our own thing. For a couple of weeks I get to choose totally who we socialise with. I have only booked up one playdate this week - on Thursday with my daughter's friend from up the road. I'm looking forward to looking after the two of them again like I did last week. But apart from that, our week is unplanned and we're just going to go with the flow.

I've decided all in all my daughter is socialised really well and I don't have to put myself into situations that are going to cause me angst when I'm not in such a good space. So what if we have a couple of days in a row without seeing other children. She's okay, she's happy. It's only me projecting thoughts of her loneliness half the time on to her that cause me to perhaps overbook her week socially some weeks. Like last week I organised four playdates - two of them were with her friend up the road and they went well. But she wasn't interested in playing with the other two preschoolers on their respective playdates. All along I have known that my daughter enjoys quite a bit of time to herself or at home mooching around with me. The truth is, she'll be fine I think if she remains an only child.

Having another sibling for my daughter would perhaps make life easier for me, I suppose as I am one of her main playmates and that is hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy doing the kiddy stuff. But us adults don't play like children do. It's when I see my daughter clicking with another child or running around with a group of preschoolers and having a great time that my heart sinks and I wish she had that in her life on a more permanent basis.

So MOTs aren't the enemy. I know a lot of good MOTs aren't there. I just can't appreciate them or see them for who they are completely right now. My MOT envy has distorted my perception of them. But at least I know this much.

I talked to a friend going through primary infertility last night. It was good to have a wee chat and I was able to put it out there that talking to me about stuff must be hard given I am a Mum already. So I do get she needs space from me sometimes.

Pre-SIF days, I used to feel so helpless and useless as I watched friends going through IF on the sidelines. But I do get now that they let me in as much as they were able to. I think in many cases IF will cause some distance between the women experiencing it and her friends and family. It isn't easy watching someone you care about going through a crisis but that's life unfortuately. Sometimes we lose those we love to tragedy and all we can do is let go of them and let them know we are here and hope that one day they will return to us.