One Day At A Time

My gyno didn't phone me yesterday after his receptionist had said he would the day before. I am not surprised. Communication with my gyno has felt very stilted all along.

So all I can do is take it one day at a time. I will just go with what my Dr suggested and have another round of blood tests and see what results come out of those. It is a maddening place to be - half-knowing it's all over but having to wait for the full medical evidence before I can properly move on.

I am actually doing okay though, I think. I blog six mornings a week (with Sundays off) and it is so therapeutic for me. I just write what is on top and surprise, surprise I've had some devastating news in the last week so therefore my posts have reflected that. The feedback I get from some annoys me - kind of along the lines of push it to one side and carry on with my life as if my world isn't crumbling.

Well actually there are positives in my day - every day. I just do not necessarily report them within my blog as my blog is my emotional outlet. It is because I can purge here that I can go on with my day and hopefully be as present as possible in it.

I have started my day every day for a long time with a gratitude list. I list five things every morning that I am grateful for. Even within this time there are certainly things to be grateful for. I feel very connected to the God of my understanding right now despite the fact my will and His will do not match. There is healing going on spiritually and emotionally. A lot of good is coming out of this situation as far as relationships with others go. Of course I don't yet have the perspective to appreciate that fully.

I am a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and has no issues with feeling her feelings. I always tell it like it is. This blog is firstly for me, secondly for anyone else who wants to read it. I am afterall the one experiencing this nightmare. If you choose to read this then you will know by now that it isn't always the most uplifting reading. But it's honest. It's real. And I know some women appreciate that. I am not about making light of difficult situations. That is not my style at all.

Last night I emailed out the invites for my Girls Night Out for my 40th in five weeks time. It is a fun night with a bodyjam class, dinner, and then dancing in town. I am not all doom and gloom. I have a sense of humour despite my current state of affairs. I feel I have to prove this to some out there right now and that just downright sucks. Have a heart for goodness sakes.

So just know that I am trying to make the most of an unacceptable situation (in my mind). I am in conflict with myself just about every day - do I accept my dire news or to I just carry on as if it hasn't happened? Do I believe the medical perspective of no hope for me with FSH levels of 86 or do I hold out hope that a pregnancy could occur for me despite the odds a la Julia Indichova ? By the way, one obviously needs to ovulate on occasion at least to have any kind of hope to fall pregnant. I haven't read Inconceivable but certainly wouldn't mind reading it as it sounds like an amazing story.

I feel as though I've done a lot of grieving this week but then my denial/non-acceptance of my situation creeps in and I think I maybe do still have another shot at motherhood. I simply don't know where I'm placed and that makes for some very confusing conversations with myself!

All I know is I don't want to fight this anymore. I think I will just let go of it all as best as I can as I wait for a proper diagnosis. No prenatal vitamins and no Clomid while the jury is out. I will keep charting to prove that my cycles are still annovulatory but that's about it. Although it feels odd to let go of my TTC patterns; I do feel some relief that my wasted efforts are coming to a close.