Taking it easy

I have mellowed a lot more this week after unofficially getting back on the TTC horse again. It feels so much better to believe it could still happen for me. Yet at the same time, I am able to let go of the TTC outcome and have felt more present and in tune with the rest of my life as a result.

I'm planning to stay in this space where I view having another baby as a possibility. It feels like I've really handed my baby dreams over to God. A week ago I had handed my baby dreams over to the medical world because of one simple diagnosis and that depressed the hell out of me. I essentially made the medical world my God around this - as in God never pulled the plug on me TTC - it was only my belief that the medical perspective was the right one that lead me to closing the door on TTC. (if only for a week or so).

I am being much kinder to myself. My daughter is an early riser - typically around 5am. I go to bed too late most nights so have really been trying to get to bed around 9pm as much as possible. I still read for a bit but at least I'm in bed. Getting enough sleep definitely helps things.

My daughter had her first week at Kindy this week. All in all it went well. However it may take her a little while to settle in so I am happy to stay there for a bit longer. She may or may not have Aspergers Sydrome - we are in the process of getting that sorted out. In a nutshell this means she gets overwhelmed in group situations/change/kids coming into her space. It is hard for me as a parent to witness her inability to join in at this point. She'll play with groups of three of four kids quite happily for short periods of time but most of the time wants her own space. Anyway, I am trusting that God is guiding me with this and that we will get some answers in time.

I feel so much better this week. This is a result of a huge turnaround in faith. I didn't trust God with the second baby outcome for many months. I thought the writing was on the wall and God was showing me it was all over. But it has been a big lesson in faith. I don't need to understand how such a dire medical diagnosis could lead to another baby - I am just believing that it could. That is God's job to work out the "how" - not mine.