Accepting grief

Even though closing the door on TTC for another biological child has brought a lot of relief and freedom; the grief continues. For me hearing about babies and siblings and bumps is a lot like hearing about couples in love when you've recently been dumped. You just sometimes don't want to know that others are getting on with it and enjoying what you'd hoped for. I still get waves of jealousy sometimes even towards those who are still within the SIF game as they still have a chance of getting pregnant. I don't envy the pain of the uncertainty that comes with being in the midst of SIF though.

I started a group within the Secondary Infertility community on Dailystrength this week called "Adoption after secondary infertility." There are three members so far (including me). I thought it was important I created a space that was about life after SIF and adoption plans. It will help me move forward I think.

I have made a few on-line friends over the last year going through SIF but now I feel like I'm in a different league and don't want to hear too much about BFP's. Some of these on-line friends are pregnant and that is hard to hear about it too - especially following their pregnancies. I check in on them occasionally but it still hurts to read about their pregnancy symptoms and growing bumps.

I have three friends in "real life" pregnant right now - all around the twenty week mark. All of them struggled with infertility for varying periods of time so I am rapt for them all. But I still have those feelings sneak up a lot Why not me God? Why couldn't I have another child? They are fleeting feelings, but they are still there.

I'm still being very gentle with myself and seem to be able to move on from any green-eyed monster feelings of envy I have pretty fast. Accepting God's Will and having the adoption plans certainly helps. I expect the grief will linger for a while. My head is still processing moving from dreams of another biological child to dreams of adopting a child. It's exciting finding the "right" plan for us but there is still some pain to process around letting go of a dream.